Poetry by Touche... I would appreciate your feedback.?

Question

My Storm

The clouds appear motionless, in the sky,
As shades of blue and gray, go by,
My mood, swings,
Like wings,
They take me to a distant place,
A sense of calm, a tranquil space,
To ease my mind...
How kind,
The gentle rain, caressed my face,
Removed the dirt (the hurt), without a trace,
To set me free...
As you can see,
The drops roll down, across my frame,
Reminding me, this is no game,
Life is for living...
Ever giving,
Simple pleasures of the heart,
A pulse in time, a refreshing start,
It's time to grow...
Let go,
Hold fast to the wind, and fly,
Be free, the thunder cries,
It rains for me...
I see... the possibility.

Prose written by - Touche

Answer 1

Ecellent!

I've been touche'd...

**

Answer 2

"The clouds appear motionless, in the sky,
As shades of blue and gray, go by,
My mood, swings,
Like wings,"

Too many commas. It would be easier to read without any punctuation at all.

"They take me to a distant place,
A sense of calm, a tranquil space,
To ease my mind...
How kind,"

I like the breaking up of the rythm with one short line of two syllables.

"The gentle rain, caressed my face,
Removed the dirt (the hurt), without a trace,
To set me free...
As you can see,"

Get rid of the punctuation again. The line "as you can see" is just filler to have something that rhymes with free. You can do better.


"The drops roll down, across my frame,
Reminding me, this is no game,
Life is for living...
Ever giving,"

Get rid of the punctuation again. Maybe strive to keep those breaking-rythm lines to two syllables and delete the word "ever."

"Simple pleasures of the heart,
A pulse in time, a refreshing start,
It's time to grow...
Let go,"

I like the repetition of consonants with pleasures and pulse (the p, l, and s) without being alliterative.

"Hold fast to the wind, and fly,
Be free, the thunder cries,
It rains for me...
I see... the possibility."

Get rid of some more commas. You might put Be free inside quotation marks. You can't really do much about the last line having more than two syllables, but perhaps you could just leave it at "I see" or drop it down to just "Possibility" - or even "Possiblities" - which would hold onto that p,l,s repetition you have going on.

Answer 3

Touche! :) this is NOT prose...it is poetry, you got it right the first time. And what a job you did. The uneven cadence was perfect to the pattern and form...and the commas? leave them in...they told us where to pause (grammar is secondary to accuracy in poetry), and it read better with the pauses. You could have used line breaks, yes, but it would have chopped it up too much, so I think you did right by using commas instead. I wouldn't change a thing except that word at the end..."prose"...which it certainly surpasses.

nicely done,

keep writing