I am (for practical purposes) a gay man, but I want - or want to want- a girlfriend. Can I be cured?

Question

Should I ask to referred to a counsellor? I feel so lonely, which is a pity, as I have found women who are interested, indeed one who wanted to marry me.
My obstacle is that I am not interested in them. Not because I am too fussy, eg in terms of looks. I just couldn't, as I am now, be interested in any woman in that way.

Answer 1

Sure you can make different choices in your life. People make changes to their lives all the time. The fastest way to make change is to change the people you hang out with, and to change the places you hang out at.

Start making friends with people who have the qualities you would most like in yourself as good traits do rub off of others.

Set goals for yourself. Write them down. Be specific. Specificity is the key to success. Do those things that bring you closer to your goals, and avoid those things that keep you from your goals.

Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 2

Can you be cured?

That assumes that being Gay is a disease. There used to be a category in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders but it was removed a long time ago.

There are people though, who claim that it can be "cured" and that the subjects become "ex-gays". Most use either aversion techniques, whereby the subject is "conditioned" not to act on impulse, or rely on some form of religious faith. What are the results? If you believe the people promoting such cures, they work, but where are the independent and reliable statistics?

I would dispute your claim that "I am (for practical purposes) a gay man". From what you've written it seems that you're assuming that your gay because of your lack of interest in women - generally that's not how it works. Gay men are (as a rule) interested in other gay men. You may just be Asexual.

Answer 3

You are, by nature, a true male. All males are looking for a mate. In gay relationships, most males have a dominant and a submissive. In those few gay relationships that find their life mate, there is never a role reversal and it stays constant so then there is no need to look for his natural mate, a female.
You, on the other hand, are looking for your natural mate, a female. Your relationships with other men are not what you grew up learning what a normal relationship should be, one submissive and one dominant, so you are lonely and unhappy. You may not be able to "connect" with another male, only sexually, which actually puts you in a bisexual category. You are looking for your "natural" mate and will not be happy till you do. Maybe, you will not be attracted physically to her but spiritually you will and be much happier in the long run, because sex is only a small part of a true life long relationship. Emotionally happy is better than sexually satisfied any day. Maybe you will luck out finding a woman you can be happy emotionally and mentally and she may not mind you having your "sexual" needs met by someone else. Good luck in your decisions - I know my answer is not clear cut like you would like but neither is life. I just thought that the answer you needed was a little more of an organization of your thoughts and feelings to help you make a clearer decision on your life paths. Have a great day.
And also, your natural mate can be a woman or a man or anyone you want it to me. A natural mate, in my statement is the soul that you connect with, the person you feel naturally bound to not like man/ woman natural I am talking about your soul mate. Natural compatible feelings. It is not what you love but who you love and loves you in return.

Answer 4

You can't change who you are.
Its all a matter of accepting yourself.
A counsellor will probably tell you the same.
If a man or woman is not happy with the colour of their skin, they can use makeup or skin colouring products, but alas they are the same underneath.

Sorry you feel so lonely, maybe you should look for other guys online to chat too.
There are gay counsellors out there, try these or look for a local one near to where you live.

http://www.pinkpractice.co.uk/intro.htm
http://www.queery.org.uk/StaticPages/Advice.asp

Answer 5

Honey, I'm very sorry to hear of that...yr question seems to indicate you're going through a lot of internal struggle...yet in a way, it kind of reflects what you already KNOW whether getting a girlfriend is any better for you. Though I personally don't agree with yr decision, I will not judge you ...bt please, spare a thought, if not for yrself, then @ least for the poor gal...why must you bind her in a loveless relationship/ marriage to protect yr respectability? It seems you have a very clear idea of who you are & what you want yet couldn't face it- & it's understandable, given the often hostile circumstances facing gay guys. Bt remember- forgoing who you really are is just a temporary fix- NEVER a permarnant solution to yr dilemma. Chin up- face it like a MAN :)

Answer 6

Cured? You are the way you are. Now accepting the way you are is a totally different topic. My g/f is homophobic, she loves me and I love her but she finds the world a tough place to live in when we can't hold hands in public, kiss in public, hug in public - in joy or sorrow. There was a death in my immediate family recently and she could not go the funeral because of her internal-homophobia. If you can work that out in your head you'll be a much happier person. If it takes counselling to figure it out, find the best counsellor you can with experience "internal homophobia".

Answer 7

I don't think homosexuality has a cure because it is not a disease. I know what mean by wanting to want to have a girlfriend, some years ago I've tried to change myself by dating guys who were interested in me but it only made me more miserable because I was fooling and hurting myself all the time, nothing I was doing I was doing with my heart, I was with a guy but my mind was in somewhere else, specially when sometimes walking hand in hand down the street gays and lesbians passed me by, it was horrible to see that I was so unhappy and also messing with someone else's heart, because he liked me but I could never give what he was willing to give to me.
I don't think you should try having a girlfriend because I think you will wound up even more lonely, unhappy and not in peace with your inner self.

Answer 8

The only cure I think there is for your situation is the cure to stray away from what society tells you is acceptable. The conforming lifestyles is what makes a boring life of uniformity. Don't act the way society tells you to act in result of fear, but remember you only live once, live it the way you want. A few suggestions I can make is to seek a suitable region where gays are accepted (SF) or perhaps even find a girlfriend who shares qualities you seek in a man whether it be personality or appearance.

Answer 9

Perhaps you need to state cause, if known, for these feelings, else particular reason for any aversion/discontent with a female companion/lover/girlfriend because you denote some particular motivation. Simply, you state that you are gay, but desire a girlfriend, else want to desire a girlfriend... Why? Have someone placed guilt upon you? Do you feel out of place? Desire a role-change? Are you certain that you are gay? Would it really matter if you desire women? Likely preponderance of your answer will lie within root cause for these feelings.

Answer 10

All you want is acceptance, not a girl friend. You see having a girl friend as being the "social normality", "the social acceptability".

The real problem is not with how others perceive you but how comfortable you feel with yourself. Trying going out in public a couple of times as an open gay man, your perception of what you want may change.

Answer 11

You can't change your sexuality. And why do you want a woman companion if you have nothing to gain from it; can't a homosexual companion do?

The reason why you are gay is because there is a change in your brain anatomy due to undetermined factors. Apart from very risky brain surgery (which is still in its experimental stage on sheep!) there is nothing you can do except live a lie if you marry a woman.

Besides, is homosexuality a disease that needs to be "cured"? Semantics, but still relevant (like X-Men 3).

And I came upon this site: http://www.hetracil.com/index.html
Quite hilarious!