Getting out of an abusive relationship: Is it normal to want to run back to them?

Question

I'm trying to get out of an abusive relationship that I've been in for 13 years. But there are so many times where I think "We listened to this" or "He hated me doing that" and tonight I was out and just felt like I should run back home and wait until he allowed me out. And apologise for daring to think I could survive without him.

Sort of like a puppy that runs away, then sneaks back into it's kennel, waits for the master to come with the lead, and licks master's hand and wags it's tail apologetically, then follows him around again, trying to please him.

Is this normal? And how do I get past it?

*Supportive answers only please.

Answer 1

It is hard, very hard. My husband whom Im currently divorcing finally, made it so hard to leave him. For so long abuse was all I knew. It became kind-of-like a really messed up security blanket for me. At least I knew what to expect. Everytime I tried to leave him, the world seemed too big and frightning. I knew what my idiot wanted and liked and disliked, but what would the next man do? Would it be worse? Could I go through someone else treating me like a door mat? I ended up snapping the last time he laid his hands on me, and I let in to his a**, and gave him what he diserved. It's been 2 years since i saw him last, but even now,in a stable relationship, I sometimes feel that I should be there for him. Like Im letting him down or something. Its just the sick control abusers put on us. I found streangth in my children. my son told me one day that he hadnt seen me smile in so long and was glad we were gone from the idot. I knew then and there, that no matter what, that part of my life has to be over. Be strong for yourself first and formost, but if you have children, there is no way you can keep goin back, for their sake leave and never look back.

call your local police department for a number for a womans hotline. they have people 24 hours a day to help you get through this. Most of the time they are ladies that have been through the same horrible ordeal you are living right now. There are support groups out there that also help you.
If you ever need an ear, just hit me up anytime. take care and be strong, your nightmare will end one day.

Answer 2

I've been there Calisto.

Yes it is very normal - it is because we develop what is called a co-dependant relationship with the men who abuses us - matter of fact - they count on it. They break us down to the point where we begin to accept that we aren't good enough, that we are unwanted, unworthy & useless. We start to believe that we can't actually survive without them! BUT it is the opposite of the truth - we actually can't survive WITH them.

You are doing the right thing & when I first left I had the same moments creep in. Those moments of panic & uncertaintly where you feel like running & crawling back into the little hole you came from...but it is a lie.

When I left the first moment I had was at the corner store. I wanted to rent a movie so I went down to the store & stood in the movie aisle. I began looking at the selection when I felt a twinge of panic strike my belly. What movie was I going to rent? Which actors did I like? What would be my choice?! I felt embarrassed - I no longer had the ability to choose...
I stood in that aisle for 25 minutes until I forced myself to make a choice. Since I hadn't been able to make a choice in so long & I punished whenever I did excercise freedom of choice I had actually forgotten HOW to make choices for myself. And it was scary. And I wanted to run back.

But I didn't & everyday I faced challenges - going through domestic violence court was severely difficult but now ... now everything is good. I have a wonderful husband & healthy relationship. Being a free person is the most wonderful feeling in the world & I know now why soldiers fight so hard to keep our countries free. Freedom is everything - & soon you will see - you will be free. Not just of him physically but mentally & emotionally. When you stop looking over your shoulder & stop worrying about what if he was here what would he do...you'll be well on your way. The hardest part os over - you left - now the rest will be rewarding.
Reach out to supports in your community.

Here is a poem I wrote & had published a few years ago:
OVERCOME
You pushed me down, I got back up
You pushed harder, I called your bluff
You hurt my feelings, I fixed them myself
You took the credit, for how I felt
You tried to hurt me, those wounds healed
You cried hate, my lips stayed sealed
You made me cry, every night
No more tears, I know I'm right
You taught me sorrow, I showed forgiveness
You took it for granted, my tears dismissed
You took away, all that I love
I took it back, I rose above.
(Coyright Diana Bedard 2001)

You can do this - I know you can - because I was you & now I am me. Good luck & God speed.

Answer 3

Yes. It is normal. One thing that an abuser does it to make you feel like a loser, like you are unworthy, and like you could never do better. Throw on top of that the fear of being alone, and it is natural you would be afraid to leave. Of course, it is a big lie. You are NOT unworthy or a loser, but if you hear it long enough, you'll begin to believe it. That is how abusers get their prey, and that is how they keep them.

The key is to recognize the lie, to understand that you do NOT deserve to be treated that way, and to get out and find support. Talk to your family and friends. See a therapist or counselor. Talk to a trusted teacher or a pastor. Call your local women's shelter for advice. And educate yourself on domestic abuse (the websites below are a good start).

You are not alone in going through this. It happens to many women (and even a few men) all over the country. The key to escaping is to understand what is happening, understanding yourself and your feelings, believing you can do this, and then building up the strength to just do it. As I said, many women just like you have gone through this. Many of them have succeeded in getting out. You can too! Good luck!

Answer 4

If you start off your romantic career putting up with this sh*t you'll never get out of it. It'll become a pattern and you'll get so used to being beaten up you're automatically drawn to abusive bastards like the one you've got now. Break up with him. You need to do it now, every day you're still with him makes him think he's got permission to treat you however he wants. Take a male friend if you want, it's probably a good idea, and firmly tell him that you're leaving him. Tell him why, he might still be young enough to learn a lesson. But never take him back, no matter what he says.

Answer 5

First, it takes a lot of courage to leave an abuser. (been there done that) so good for you. Second, believe or not it is entirely normal to feel like you want to go running back.
Abusers control and break down a person until their self esteem is non-existant so that we depend on them for every thing. So don't beat yourself up over it, he's done that enough for you.
You should seek counseling so you can express what has happened to you and slowly you will work your way past what has happened. I won't lie to you, it hurts and it takes time, but you have to take a good look at yourself and remember that you are worth it. You are important and you deserve to be happy. At your own pace you will heal, but remember not to become bitter because of what he did to you.
Look for as much support as you need, from whoever you need it from. Family, friends, a therapist, and cry when you need to. Scream out loud if you need to. Just remember, you are your own person, and you deserve to be in control of your life. You are not alone. Be strong and be safe.

Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 6

Yes it is normal to want to go back, it is all you know, it is for a better lack of a word "safe" to you. As in, comfortable because the unknown is scary for everyone.

What kind of abuse? No one should tolerate that. Please talk to a supportive parent, or an outreach group for women or a women's shelter. Make a plan, start preparing yourself mentally and physically to leave. Have a friend for backup and to help you through it if possible, if not I'll try and keep my pc on, but for gosh sakes, he can read this easily, please be careful.
Once you leave, leave for good. Know that NO ONE deserves to be abused. HE has the problem, HE CAN'T love you if he doesn't love himself.

Please find close help and as much support as possible and start looking to relocate A.S.A.P. Too many women wind up in the papers dead because they didn't leave. Please dear, do what you believe deep down in your female intuition's gut tells you to do, and that is LEAVE or else you would not have written the question.

big hug and lots of courage sent to you by a "sister", u can do it.
MJ

Answer 7

Hon,it's perfectly normal. It takes time to get over it, but you can do it. Just hang in there. There is hope. You've got abused woman syndrome, and it's not easy to get over it. I know how you feel. I went through it myself. It wasn't until I met a good man that I was able to go on without wanting to run back all the time. No, I wasn't looking for someone, but an acquaintance set me up on a blind date to help with my depression. It was supposed to be a one night stand and we're still going strong almost nine years later. Do it for yourself. You are stronger than you think. You already took the first step by leaving. Continue in that direction and you'll be fine. Lots of luck in your future and know you are loved. Here is a hug to help you over the hurdle.

Answer 8

It is NOT normal. Maybe the reason you are that way is it’s just a habit after 13 years. Everyone knows we can have bad habits as well as good. That doesn’t mean they’re good for us or even that we like them. You must stay away for your own safety and to have the freedom to see a counselor to find out why you do this to yourself. You don’t just erase something that took 13 years to build, even if you hate it. But for your own safety and sanity you have to stop this. Don’t you want to be happy? Don’t you want to be treated right? Then do something about it! I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but your life may be at stake, and I don’t play around when it’s serious. I’ve been there, done that, and the best thing I ever did was leave. Yes, it can be hard to go out on your own, but there are lots of people willing to help you. It seems you can’t imagine what a good life you can have as if you’ve given up. Please don’t give up. You deserve better and it’s out there waiting for you.

Answer 9

Is it normal, unfortunately yes. Is it smart, no. When a man is abusive and treats you like a possession its because to him, you are a possession. If he thinks he owns you then he will never willingly let you go. Most abusive men would rather kill you than let you go. You are in a very dangerous situation and my advice is that you get out. Contact a woman's support group, get counseling and do whatever you need to to get away. I hope this is helpful. Please don't become another statistic

Answer 10

I don't know you at all...but I bet you deserve better than you are getting. Do you realize how many men there are that treat women with the respect and love that they deserve? This man evidently has no idea how to treat a woman. You should let go, seek someone else, and hopefully you will find someone more appreciative of you...You deserve better, I promise!