I hurt and can't get the feeling that my marriage is over what to do?

Question

I found this past week that I CAN'T place trust in my wife no matter what I do!
She had a cyber affair, and it almost became physical if I had not gone with her to high school reunion!
She even lied to me when I became concerned about her involvement with the the guy who just so happen to be her 1st love but she said that is was innocent nothing to be affrad of!

I read the emails she left on and decided to nip it in the but with the guy and told his wife at the reunion, to say it was a disaster would be a kindness.
We separated for 3 months and got back together in part because of the children but because i thought I was ready.
She asked to go on a road trip and I almost flipped out in front of the kids!

I instead said I thought now was not a good time and said we could talk about it later on but I find myself not trusting her!

I honestly think our marriage of 16 years might be coming to an end what can I do to TRUST AGAIN, and save the marriage?

4 post in profile on subject!

Answer 1

It takes time and lots of work by both of you to rebuild after a betrayal like this. There is NO quick fix. Trust is earned. What takes just moments to destroy, can take years to rebuild.

I wasn't comfortable with my husband traveling for about a year after discovery of his affair. He was very remorseful and stopped all contact with the other person, but it still took time.

You cannot just 'forgive and forget". Lord, I wish it was that simple!!

Many marriages that survive this kind of emotional trauma report that real healing can take as long as two years. Not saying that it is always so intense for that time period, but a gradual process.

You need a support group of others who have also experienced this and will support your efforts to rebuild. This is something that no one really understands just how complicated it is until they are faced with it!

Here are two support sites that are helpful:

http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/

The following yahoo group site has many helpful articles in files and links about affair recovery:

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

Answer 2

No you are not being picky. I used the diamond from my first wedding in my second engagement ring setting and I tell you.. that must have been a sign of things to come. And I am not sure how I like the fact that you assume marriage is hard. It shouldn't be. Sure there are adjustments but with cooperation and understanding.. it should not be hard. And he is being way to secretive about everything.. and protective of his stuff.. gives me a bad feeling. I would get him name off your bank account. He could be some sort of con artist with the way he is so closed and secretive.

Answer 3

OK I'm confused,... "it almost became physical"... They were talking on line? was it serious talk, was she talking about leaving you?? Or are you being over dramatic?

Is your conscious clear? have you looked at other women or talked to other women in a manner which would make your wife concerned? be honest!! If the tables were turned what would you want your wife to do? just give up because she could not handle the thought of competition.
Cowboy up!!

Answer 4

Obviously have a long talk with her. Ask her what her intentions are for the relationship. What plans does she have for the future of her life? What plans does she have for the future of your two lives together? Ask her if she can answer these questions. If they cause her trouble, or if the answers cause you trouble, seriously consider couples therapy. Please note, couples therapy is not designed to necessarily keep a couple together, it is designed to help a couple discover what each of them really wants...and sometimes what they really want is to not be a couple any longer. So ask if she is willing to explore your future together...if she sees any future. And ask if she is willing to work at making a future. If she is, given your family history together, you may want to work at maintaining the marriage.

Answer 5

I feel for you! Hopefully she'll attend counseling with you so you both can decide what to do from here. Good luck!

Answer 6

it's a hard one. 16 yrs of marriage deserve your best effort to save it. seek professional help.

Answer 7

save the marraige.. all 16 years is golden.. and save it for the children.. i as a child of my parnets would really hurt to see them part.

get some counselling, talk to ur wife and ask her what she really wants.. tell her if she really want that guy, u will set her free.. she has to know what she wants so u both can go on with ur lives...