What you offered straight to me
With a smile for the last time
Was just so beautiful
That I gave way to tears
Surely, that day
The two of us touched love
We sought for each other
Lost ourselves at times
And found each other at last
So whatever result may be waiting for us
It's nothing but
Destiny
In the sky you set out for
Stars are shining tenderly upon me
Stay by my side, my love
Crossing over time and changing your shape
You see? The future we haven't yet seen
Remains here like this
Stay by my side, my love
Crossing over time and changing your shape
The future we haven't yet seen
Remains here
Trust me, my love
You live within me
So I'll never
Say good-bye to you
Surely, that day
The two of us touched love
2007-08-05 16:17:18 · 14 answers · asked by Chris 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
the sentiment is great, but it could use a little tweeking.... there are a few spots that could use some word choice changes, and other spots where the langauge is a bit awkward. but, with a bit of effort, you have a winner here.
2007-08-12 18:37:08 · answer #1 · answered by smileyd 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, editing time...third stanza, first line..."sought for each other...", no good. Try "searched for..." or "tried to find...". "sought for each other" implies you helped someone look for something, not that you were looking to find one another. Then, in the last line, "so whatever result may be waiting for us"...sorry, doesn't work. "result"? "whatever"? why not try, "Whatever God may plan for us" or if you're not religious, "whatever fate's in store for us"?
"nothing but destiny"...hmmm, makes destiny seem too trivial...what about "just our destiny" or "only our destiny"?
Next stanza, "in the sky you set out for"...poor grammer, dangling participles...etc. Looking at the next line I truly do not know what you meant by this line, so I'm unsure how to recommend fixing it...other than to say, fix it so it's clear. The next two stanzas you lose it...they say the same thing, just a little differently. Pick one, toss the other. Stanza 8...where did the subject of you "not" staying with her come from? Why wouldn't she "trust you"? Rewrite this line so that it implies that the two of you are really one person in your togetherness, and end it by commenting on that day you found each other, so that you can then say, "surely that day, the two of us touched love."
keep writing
2007-08-13 22:23:54 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are in the age group of somewhere between twelve and sixteen, ok.
If not, so not ok.
OK, that was my other self.
The other self says, humm, you used some techniques here that are worth looking into. repetition, for example.
You also have a way of expressing time past as time present.
Frankly, you struggle to speak poetically, but I think you can.
I'd like to see you edit this. If you really want to write, edit it.
2007-08-12 00:26:50 · answer #3 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It doesn't rhyme. It has no meter. It's not even a poem, it's just rambling. I think you'd do better to just find a poem and give it to her, or hire someone to write one.
I read the whole thing, and it was painful.
2007-08-05 23:24:44 · answer #4 · answered by kimmyisahotbabe 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, I like the poem. I most especially liked 'Trust me, my love You live within me'. Very potent.
2007-08-07 21:43:36 · answer #5 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very much
2007-08-05 23:20:58 · answer #6 · answered by GBMC 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
a little long but beautiful
2007-08-05 23:32:43 · answer #7 · answered by @88Ý? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Beautiful.
Love is many a splendor thing...
2007-08-06 00:38:54 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
very nice poem it is really appreciable.
2007-08-05 23:20:37 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think it's rather sweet!
2007-08-05 23:22:52 · answer #10 · answered by <33 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋