another poem i wrote...how good or bad (honest answers only please)?

Question

Days go by so quickly
Nights go by so slow
Laying awake in my bed
I wonder why you had to go

You never looked back
The day you left me like that
You said you’d never forget
Our ride to the moon

Way up high
Above the heads of our friends
We were the only ones there
Way up on the moon

Your eyes were diamonds
So sapphire blue
Your smile sent me somewhere
I think it was the moon.

So far away that was
So long ago, too
I wonder if it has changed
As I stare up at that moon.

Answer 1

Okay...it has promise. You echo the word "moon" on all your last lines except the first stanza...and it's conspicuous by its absence...fix that...put it in. The last line on the first stanza is weak anyway, so this might make it right. Check your beats. You've decided to do unrhymed verse, that's fine, but you need to keep the cadence moving...and you don't, you drop beats here and there and they wouldn't be difficult to fix. So fix them. Have someone read the lines out loud to you so you can hear them in someone else's voice. I can tell by the tone that you'll be able to hear the problem areas and I have every confidence you'll be able to fix them on your own. Be careful on under/overstatements..."way up high" is obviously "above the heads of our friends", so you need a different example...especially if you're going to refer to the moon again. Also, I sense your version of "long ago" is probably only a few years...so be careful of sounding pretentious. You can say that it "seems" so long ago...that would be fine. I hope you see the difference. Otherwise, it had an even tone and like I said, possibilities. Work on it a bit and post a revision if you think it's been improved. meanwhile...
Keep writing

Answer 2

You based this poem from tiny cellular In a a fashion formatted to harm like hell Now look at a rainbow , look at it variety Or the frost on a window, won't keep you heat A poet's word's are measured , they harm no greater effective than a million/a hundred twenty five of an inch . and then it sounds like no longer something in any respect even below the main effective microscope it won't harm anymore. and then the poet gets lonely and divides himself up into 3 comparable poems After his practice , he likes a combat and then he s followers think of he's solid in spite of the shown fact that , the artwork of a poet and his techniques cells, possibly to-day he's questioning . Did he harm you ? 5 million words afloat understand greater will you harm it could basically be a postmortem . understood basically as a shaggy dog tale Edit ....My poem basically is clever to me you will no longer understand what i'm talking approximately yet it incredibly is okay You poem is extremely solid , maximum extraordinary and not hardship-free to examine you have a ability poem thank you HD

Answer 3

Take this as you will . . . it's a poem I can see getting published someday, and I would be the one writing the letter to the editor saying "Why in the name of all that is sacred and holy did you publish this mess?"
I guess what I'm saying is that I can see how a lot of people might like it, but I consider it an overdone topic with nothing new or special added to it.
No offense intended. Seriously. But you should've ended the first stanza with "moon" somehow, in any case.

Answer 4

Actually, as a poem, I think it's kind of mediocre. But, have you ever considered writing lyrics? These seriously could be passed off as words to a song, and good ones as that. Try your hand at it, you seem to have quite a knack. =)

Answer 5

This must be a jest. If it is not, I feel empathy for the emotion described in the poem however, I would suggest that you not quit your day job at this time...

Answer 6

I like it but it makes me really sad. I hate feeling sad and need to stop thinking about the one that left

Answer 7

Cheesy as a ham and cheese sandwich.

Answer 8

I think it's a rather nice poem

Answer 9

seriously i think u should try writing a few songs please! these are great i tried singing it, and if it were made into a song it would be great!!

PS. its great as a poem too

Answer 10

i like the poam