My boyfriend slept with a whore in amsterdam...?

Question

he did this a couple years before he met me...and no i dont want people telling me its nothing to do with me, it was before me, whatever...point is it does bother me and i feel he should have told me before we were intimate together because the way he described himself to me when we met was he wasnt even into strippers, he found them degrading so imagine the bomb this felt like when he told me...
i find it completely against his character of the man i fell in love with that he could do something so digusting and degrading, he said he just wanted to try it cause its what all guys do (hes from england)...im number one, upset he didnt tell me before we got together especially considering we talked about things like this and two i just consider it a sign of character for a man to be able to do that...and its not the kind of guy i want to be with..how do i get past this or get over it or should i? he said he didnt enjoy it, he hated it, felt disgusting and wrong but that didnt help..HELP!

ive been reading some answers and i guess i should explain why im so upset about it...my ex did alot of stuff to me along the lines of strippers, threatening to sleep with whores etc ( very abusive) me and this boyfriend (we've been together two years now) talked at length about our previous relationships, so he knew how much this stuff hurt me...so how could it slip his mind to tell me until after we were intimate...we were watching hostel and i mentioned how sick that was and he was like well ive done that...WTF?? this couldnt have come up when we were discussing things like this BEFORE we had sex? i was dumbfounded knowing that he knew how i felt about this stuff, i felt very betrayed and like a chump basically...he said honestly i didnt even think about it till u just mentioned it, i was like huh???

Answer 1

You are over-reacting. We are all allowed to have a past. Give him a break, it was before your relationship. Both my wife and I did stuff before ours, but we can't go back and change it. Even if we did or didn't enjoy it. Just let it be.....or you will drive him away. If that's what you want, stay angry at him. The only thing you should do is get yourself tested, and so should he to clean the slate.

Answer 2

Yes, it is disgusting to do this. Yes, you have a right to be bothered by it. The fact is though, unless you have proof that he is cheating on you at the present time, then it is YOU he cares about and wants. The fact that he shared something that he knew would upset you, knowing he could possibly lose you over it, should say that he is either trying to drive you away and doesn't want to be the one to end things, OR he cares so much about you that he is risking losing you in order to come clean and be honest so that there are no barriers to a healthy relationship.

I would tend to think that he may be telling the truth about not enjoying it, because deep down inside, most guys don't want to have to pay for sex and they want it to be a beautiful thing in addition to being pleasurable - not something cheap and sleazy. If he is telling you this stuff, I'd try to figure out if the qualities your boyfriend brings to your relationship far outweigh the negative icky thing he did a couple years before he met you. It may have been a reflection of his character back then, but it doesn't sound like it is now. Take a look at yourself and ask if there are things that your boyfriend would not have liked about you if he had known you some years back. We all make mistakes. As long as your boyfriend doesn't keep making the same one, I'd cut him some slack and try to move past this. He cared enough to be honest with you. That took courage.

Answer 3

The past affects who we are today, but it isn't who we are today unless we don't become more than it. So a part of him might be that man only because he is connected to him through it being his past self, but he might not be that man in any other way. So just because he did that type of thing once in his past doesn't mean he'll do it again. And as he says it, having done it has probably made it so that he thoroughly doesn't want to do it again.

You don't say how long the two of you have been together. I do believe he should have told you sooner if you've been together for a long time, or before you ever engaged in having sex with him. Either way, at least you do know so that you can decide for yourself how you ultimately feel about him.


Additional: I read your comment. You know that he isn't your ex and so can not and should not be held accountable for anything your ex did.

That being said, his not telling you before you had sex with him isn't reasonable on his part. Anything he might say about being afraid of losing you I don't find to be reasonable, as it ultimately comes down to him caring more about himself than you in this matter. Since he knew how you felt and you had the right to make a decision of whether or not to have sex with him based on his past sexual encounters, then he should have told you. Unless the experience was so horrible that he had blocked it from his mind, then all he is saying about not remembering it seems like an excuse to me.

Answer 4

Just remember that it was in the past and because of the situation is probably why he changed his mind about such things. I don't think you should get too caught up in it, it can cause a lot of stress, especially since it doesn't matter anymore.. But I do understand your want for him to tell you ahead of time incase he got an std or something. Just try to tell your self that you're with him now and some stupid whore doesn't matter.

Answer 5

Almost EVERYONE has stuff in their youth they wish they could change. It sounds like this is one of those things to your bf. If it were me and he was a good and trustworthy man in every other respect, I'd let his past be past and get on with today.

If you can't let his past be in the past where it belongs, then you need to leave him now.

If this one instance of poor judgment is beyond your ability to forgive, you're not ready for a permanent relationship anyway.

Try to keep in mind that not one of us is perfect, not you either. If he can live with your judgemental POV, maybe you should try harder to understand WHY he didn't tell you and let it go.

People who do stupid things don't generally like to brag about it years later, do you?

Answer 6

I'd try to get past it,
if you love him then it should be no contest
sometimes people make mistakes
if you believe him that's the only thing that matters
but if you have any doubts think this whole thing out

P.S. i would get checked out for any STD's

Answer 7

All men do this when they travel to Amsterdam. The first thing they do is vist Red Light District mostly tourists. In Dutch it called De wallen winkel=Means Red light District Look this was years ago your husband did this. Get over it. Mike said these girl's in Amsterdam could have STD etc. No in Amsterdam they checked monthly in order to keep their license to run their business. It law in Holland.

Answer 8

I think you are over reacting a bit. He made a mistake and he was on vacation but it was before you. The whole point of taking a vacation is to let loose and have fun

Answer 9

I suppose it means a lot that he told you. People are often tempted to decieve the object of their desire. People!

Think of this Blur lyric, from the song 'Sweet Song':
I believe I believe I believe, love is the only one,
But I decieve I decieve I decieve cos I'm not that strong.

Answer 10

It happened.

You can either:

1) accept it and get over it
2) break up with him
3) stay with him and hold it over his head for the rest of his and your life

Decide and act.