can you FEEL THE STORM COMING?!?

Question

Can you feel the storm coming?
Do the waves splash water all over your sacred land?

Do the winds make you glance
Into
the sky
Oh, My!

Can you feel the storm coming?
Can you feel the storm coming?

Do the once calm breezes
Show signs of all the seasons
Is the wind like a riot
Is the sky up for grabs?

Do some birds go one way
Do other birds go other ways

Who stays?

Is the sky just like a screen
Is the wind just like static
Do the animals see then flee
Does the sea seem erratic?

The shutters get shut
By the winds that are flapping
The shutters go both ways
They don’t know what’s happening

The storm owns the body

And the storm can hush the mind

SURVIVAL IS KEY!
IT’S SHELTER ONE MUST FIND!

Unless you the have guts
To stare down the wind
But let’s be real
Do you think you can win?

Either way, all is refreshed after the storm…

© Johnny Lopez
2007

Answer 1

The poem is poor, Johnny. The use of the adjective sacred seems an attempt at thoughtless majesty. It is impossible to take the poem seriously after that word. The bird lines are good, the best of the poem. In fact those two lines alone would make a better poem than the conglomerate you present.

Answer 2

Your poem lacks structure...or at least a consistent form. However, it isn't all that bad. You need to drop "sacred land"...it's a trite phrase and far too extremist. You cold replace that entire 2nd line with "Do you fear the coming waves?" or "Do you worry of the coming waves?"
Then second stanza, try,
"Do the winds make you glance
High into the sky............oh, my!"
rather than break it up into too many lines
Then you repeat the "do you feel the storm coming" too many times without relief, when you should just put it out once, then follow it with the next two lines.

Here's the thing...you can't use those lines like a club or like filler. If you used that line, followed it up with three or even four other lines (rhyming or unrhymed), then used it again as a reminder, it would be fine...but you don't, you use it until it's lost its power...its mystery.
Also, when you follow up a pair of lines with a short rhymed line, you break it...use extended ellipses (......) to drag it to the right, then use it...like this:

Do some birds go one way
Do other birds go other ways......Who stays?

You have potentially some good lines, but you break them up and scatter them about...and no, that is not a good device to immitate a storm or a storm coming, it just distracts the reader. Fix it. Consolidate some of your images so they say more with fewer lines and make this poem "go somewhere"..."either way, all is..." what the heck is that? certainly no way to end a poem filled with ominous forboding of the coming storm...it's what they call an "anticlimatical phrase"...fix it.

keep writing

Answer 3

I have always had this I can be fine clear sunny day then suddenly I'll turn around and say I think it'll Thunder later on I get worst Anxiety levels joint/muscle pain and pins and needle feelings before a storm sometimes I smell this metallic electrical smell sounds crazy then bang storms roll in in the hour. Don't know why but my Anxiety is a pre-warning system to storms probably as I am astraphobic so get a good time frame to leave the scene. :-)

Answer 4

Yesterday and the day before, yes.

Answer 5

you lost ur focus.
you ran out of creative steam.
so now who knows if you can write or not?

Answer 6

u wrote it????
it nic....