Can you give me some advice on abuse in marriage?

Question

I am in a 4 yr marriage,and my husband refuses to say he loves me,he is also very rough during sex and afterwards I feel used,and start crying and immediately want a shower.He says fck love just have fun,and sex is fun.He won't even comfort me when I cry.
I have a severe health problem and he has taken all my financial stability,I am so shattered as a human being and do not know where to go for help as I have been turned away by everyone.
No one can understand the pain Im going through or feel what I feel,they just scream at me leave if im not happy but its not simple.How can I support myself when I am sick?where do I live???/these are things no one is willing to advise me on and I am so confused.
sometimes I think if I am a better wife and do what he wants he will give me what I want because thats what he tells me,but no matter what its never good enough.
I feel like a slut because he never takes me out for fun he only wants to have sex with me never take me anywhere.

i feel dirty and ashamed as if I have been rapped....the feeling will not wash away.I am so tired of people saying get out of it without giving me practical advise and tools on how to make that possible.Remember I am not well and cannot do what a healthy person would do.I need some real help I called shelters and I didnt feel like they were really listening to me so now I feel helpless and hopeless.On top of that no matter what he does to me I still love him and want to be with him and its really hard to stop that.

Answer 1

I know how hard it is to think of leaving. I'm dependant 100% on my husband for financial support. I've left him before, and tried to get a job, but because I don't have any experience working, I usually get passed over. Then when I do find a job, it's usually just a minimum wage job, and I get the bad hours because I'm new. A lot of the time, the hours don't work for me because I am also a mother. I can't very well leave my two children to fend for themselves 5 nights a week. Even though my daughter is old enough to babysit, it's not fair to her to have to be responsible for her brother's dinner and homework and bedtime routines, 5 nights a week while I'm at work. And finding that job that works you while they're at school is unrealistic. I've tried. We were apart for 2 years, and I was out 3 days a week for several hours at a time applying for jobs. One employer hired me, but the hours were 2pm - 8pm. That did not work for me. So I feel your frustration.

Answer 2

Well I can almost bet that he would refuse counseling. You go to counseling by yourself, there are places you can go that will base your fee on a sliding scale. Talk to people at a woman's shelter tell them what you are going through and ask them if they can guide you to better options. If it were me, I would leave him and go to a woman's shelter. Then I would sign up for low income housing stating you are being abused and need emergency assistance. Sometime they can get you a place immediately. There is much government assistance available to you even if you do not work. You are not alone. You can overcome anything you set your mind to even if you have a disability. There is always a way out, you just have to be willing to take the first step. It is not always easy or a pleasant experience but as time passes by, you will look back and be glad you made those sacrifices.

Answer 3

Are you in a city? Most cities have shelters where abused women can you. And you are in an abusive marriage. A partner is supposed to help and support you, not belittle you. It isn't your fault, and you are right - you could do a million things and it wouldn't be enough for him, because he is the one with the problem.
Look in your phone book under Associations or groups and see if you can find a shelter where you can go for help. Or perhaps a church or the police can direct you to a shelter. You are right - it isn't easy to leave. So you have to make sure you are emotionally ready to leave this guy and then take the steps to do it, because it probably won't be easy. You say people won't listen or help. Who have you asked for help? Because you need to ask other people who will. Again, look through your phone book, do a search online for shelters in your area or for a women's group. Hang in there and good luck.

Answer 4

I am so sorry you are going through this! Nobody deserves to go through what you are.

You asked for tools.
Take some time to visit : http://www.safehavenforwomen.com/

There are a LOT of tools there and resources for you to tap into.
If there is something else you may need, don't be afraid to make a post over there. I know the people over there will do everything they can to help you research and come up with solutions.

Take time to look thru the LINKS section.
Then go into the message board and go through the resources folder. There are resources ALL over the message board, also.

Hope this helps some.
My prayers for you to live the happy life you deserve.
I also pray for your health and for you to get well.

Answer 5

You said that you have called shelters but you felt that they did not really listen to you... BINGO.... that reminds me of myself. When I was deal ling with the pain and smashed self-esteem from a verbally abusive/put-down partner, I felt the same way... NO matter how much I talked about it... I never felt like they understood and then I was talking about it SO much that everyone around me got tired of listening.
I don't know if a shelter is right for you, but I think you definitely need professional help to take care of yourself. You must have support. If you are broke, there is LOTS of help out there!!!
BUT for me, I had to shut my mouth and listen a little bit. I had to understand that NO ONE but me can feel this pain... no one will ever understand 100%... but I had to move on with my life and I had to have help. Please let the professionals help you even if you don't feel completely heard. This horrible pain you are in is probably making your health problems worse and worse.... I know it's frustrating and I know you feel very alone.... you've got to start somewhere.
ALSO.... the way you feel in this relationship/ sexual life, etc. is 100% valid...... abusers like to confuse the situation and make you feel CRAZY... please trust yourself and trust the professionals.

Answer 6

Contact a local womans help group for immediate help. Explain your situation with the fact that you fear for your life and dont know what to do. Theyllhelp you get away from him by putting you into hiding but you must follow their directions perfectly and willing to do whatever it takes to change your situation. They can be found in the yellow pages. Also file for a protective restraining order against him for your own good and Good luck

Answer 7

There are many organizations that help battered, and abused women. I volunteer at a shelter, and they help people all the time. You are depressed, and feel hopeless...but there IS help out there, you just have to look for it. Try United Way, or just start calling any organization you can think of that MIGHT help you. Never give up! Get away from your abuser!

Answer 8

The first thing you need to do is go to Social Security ... and file for SSDI and/or SSI ... that takes 120 days to be approved ... and they turn everyone down the first time ... you just reapply until you get it ... that will give you income ... and then you can make plans to leave him ... at which point you can check into Section 8 Housing ... and get your own place ...

Answer 9

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

http://www.rainn.org/?gclid=CL_juZrN3o0CFQllHgod1RJGcw