Do you think this is good for a song that i wrote?

Question

I know that it's sort of dreary and stuff but personally i kind of like it... um i can't really explain the tune so i guess you're gonna have to make one up! sorry! THANKS!!!


All American Girl Gone Tragic

There she goes with her cigarette smile
I think it's cute but she's in denial

She couldn't find her way out of a crayon box
I'd show her the way but she'd still get lost

Chorus

She cries in her room
And she tries to hide it
It's easy to see
And she can't deny it
Its hard to imagine
But she's... the All American Girl Gone Tragic (oh x2)
She laughs at herself and she falls to the floor...
She screams about life because
She wants MORE...

She never goes to parties on friday nights
She's crammed in her room and she turns off the lights

Though she thinks its the end
It is just the beginning
She's tired of losing
She wants to start winning...

Chorus

She's sitting there... starving for love
If she can't get some then she might as well give up...

Answer 1

wow that is a great song!you rare very good!i hope you become famous!

Answer 2

Don't be so afraid to express a little more. I feel it's holding back a little out of fear for sounding awkward?

it's a little to broad. Just using simple words (look into a thesarus), you'll be surprised how much more feeling you'll get across with the correct vocabulary.

you should speak of what this girl has to "offer"

Why is she so uncomfortable steeping outside on a friday night? What bothers her so about what she sees and the people she encounters?

it's not bad, learn a little more about the girl(yourself? I am not sure) and repair the lyrics a bit.

Answer 3

I'd like to change a few things about your song poem. I like the intent, but the reader has to understand what you have to say. A lyric is not like a poem so I have changed it a bit so it can be put to music, although there are missing pieces to your work:

There she goes with her insecure smile,
She thinks she’s cute but in denial.
She hasn’t find her way out of a crayon box,
I'd like to show her the way but she'd still get lost.
Though she thinks its the end, but only begins,
She's tired of losing; She wants to start to win.
She's sitting there; starving for love,,
If she can't loose, then she wins…

Chorus:

She cries in her room, and she tries to hide it,
It's easy to see but she can't deny it.
Its hard to imagine the “All American Girl,
She laughs at herself and she falls in a whirl.
She screams about life because she wants more,
Never goes to parties on Friday nights.
She's crammed in her room and she turns off the lights.

Chorus:

She cries in her room, and she tries to hide it,
It's easy to see but she can't deny it.
Its hard to imagine the “All American Girl,
She laughs at herself and she falls in a whirl.
She screams about life because she wants more,
Never goes to parties on Friday nights,
She's crammed in her room and she turns off the lights.

[I need another paragraph to complete the song]. It is not enough to make this a lyrical poem. Give me more and I will arrange it for you.

Answer 4

The idea has potential but your vagueness leaves me empty and unable to relate to what the emotion is that you are attempting to express. My suggestion is you tell a story and stop the sporadic scenarios that make the songs message choppy . Try to imagine that this is how you feel and convey it poetically find the passion that drives you to write and make us feel her pain.

Answer 5

It may help if we knew the tune 'cause without it its rather hard to understand it.But i have to say the words and the story too the songs great !

Answer 6

No offense, but I feel like I have heard it before. It is good but a little overdone.

Answer 7

i recognize me in parts of ur song...
its good but would be better if i knew the tune

Answer 8

sounds good

Answer 9

it's corny.