How do I overcome male dependence and figure out who I am?

Question

I am 18 years old and recently broke up with a guy I was dating for almost four years. I am okay about the break it, it was for the better, but it made me realize that I am dependent on other people, particularly guys, to feel happy. I am unhappy without a guy in my life, not necessarily a boyfriend, even just a guy I might be hooking up with. I think this is because I was with this guy and had stability in my life since I was a freshman in high school. I am going to college in the fall. I know that this dependence is a problem. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and trying to figure out who I am independently and it is very difficult. Any words of wisdom?

Answer 1

Break ups are painful regardless of whether or not you are male dependent or not. From what I have read I am not convinced you are male dependent. So what if you are happier with a guy in your life. Most of us do feel more satisfaction when we have a romantic/and or sexual attachment in our lives. After we had been dating for 3 months, my husband broke up with me for a month and believe me I was an unhappy, though still independent, assertive woman, with plenty going on in my life. But you are young and certainly wise to be concerned about not becoming male dependent before your life has really begun. You are at a time in your life when you are supposed to be figuring out who you are and that process really will continue for the rest of your life as your change and evolve with the circumstances of your life. You will not die completely the same person that you are today. At 44 I am eternally grateful not to really recognize the dim-wit I was at 18. Based on how far I have come, here is my wisdom. Avoid the hookup. Just don't do it. You probably think you can handle it but my hunch is that most girls delude themselves into thinking they are cool with casual, uncommitted sex with friends or guys they met at some crazy party. I just had too many girls friends who thought they were way more cavalier than they really were (as evidenced by all the late night crying sessions I participated in when when that hot guy from art class didn't call after he spent the night). I wasn't as cavalier as I thought I was either so take it for what it's worth. Next thing, the most important thing is to take a look at your standards. Most girls I knew (including myself) had pathetically low standards when it came to dating and allowed guys to make all the rules. I am not a "Rules Girl" by the way so this is not from some moralistic stance. If I guys doesn't call within a reasonable amount of time when he says he is going to call or isn't so completely obviously thrilled that you called, forget about him. If he spends all his time talking about himself, his workout, how much money he is going to make and never asks you questions about who you are, what your hopes and ambitions are, where he can cheer you on when you run your first 15k, or volunteers to take care of your dog when you have to leave town to attend your great aunt's funeral - ditch him. Don't hang in there. If he calls you names or hits you or gets drunk and ignores you in favor of flirting you girlfriends then dump him. Develop a strong inner-French girl who knows she deserves way better than to be treated like that. If he is not really in to you above all other girls then don't cry because someone else will be walking through the door when you least expect it. Next pearl, don't wait to live your life until you meet this great guy. Complete you education in subjects that you are passionate about. Live your life with goal of one day having the most interesting obituary there ever was. Take fabulous trips with friends or by yourself. Learn a second language. Participate in a sport you can loose yourself in. Learn to make a really amazing 4 course meal with will earn the praise of your mother and all your friends and co-workers. Read at least one newspaper or news magazine a day (the Enquirer and People are not news magazines, BTW). Have an opinion about political and social issues and events and don't hesitate to express it. Say what is in your heart and in your head and don't play stupid to look cute or dumb yourself down to play up to some guys ego - trust me the best men are proud to be with intelligent women because smart is so sexy. Look toward older, accomplished women for inspiration rather than celebutants. Forgive yourself when you screw up and don't just vow to do better - be better, learn from your mistakes and let it be evident in your choices. That is all the wisdom I have grasshopper - oh, yeah, don't leave home without birth control and make sure you know how to use it and use it every single time. Buying a copy of The New Our Bodies Ourselves would be a good investment, as well.

Answer 2

Recognizing a problem like this is a big step. People can spend years in therapy before ever having a breakthrough on such an important aspect of their life and what is causing the problem. I would try my best to focus on why I am going to college. To have goals for your life is very important. Write them down and what you expect, and as you reach each goal see if you have or have not accomplished it and why. When in therapy this is what a therapist has you to do. Do not hook up with guys as this is not beneficial for self respect. Do nothing that is going to effect you negatively. When faced with an issue that is important, make a pro and con column. List the pro and cons of the issue. If you have more cons than pros, then you need to rethink the outcome to the situation. The bottom line here is that only you are responsible for the outcome in any situation that you become involved in. Only you have the controls to your destiny. Good luck.

Answer 3

You don't need to connect with dominant alpha males, they're ***** most of the time anyway. There is no need to bond with everyone you meet, as a male you'll be lucky to have a few close friends and a lot of acquaintances. Most women you meet will be needy and have low self esteem regardless of father issues (you'll need to change society if you want to change that). If you're worried about coming on too strong try reading "love tactics" by McKnight. If you decide to see a psychologist, first write a list of the things you're trying to change, keep track of those things over time and see if they're changing, if it works do it.

Answer 4

I think you're really smart to know that about yourself at such a young age. Most people never understand their dependencies, no matter how old they are - you're way ahead of the game.

There's a good way to know who you are - if you like it, it's you. If you like hanging out at home, that's you. If you like hanging with friends, that's you. If you like purple, that's you. Whenever you want to know if it's really you making decisions, just look inside and ask yourself if that decision makes you happy, or if you're making that decision because someone else would think it's a good idea (your family, friends, etc).

Most of all, trust yourself. You're probably experiencing a lot of doubt, not knowing if you're doing the right things. I promise you you'll make mistakes - we all do. But at least you'll know you followed your heart the whole way, and you'll be proud of yourself for doing the best you could.

As far as guys go, there's nothing wrong with wanting intimate relationships - we're social beings. Just be sure the men you choose are the kind of people you are proud to be with. Make sure you're looking forward to seeing them. When you stop looking forward to seeing someone, it's time to move on.

Good luck, sweet girl!

Answer 5

well u dotn need anyoen i fpr opne was a loner for a long time i got myself a girl right now i love her but im not dependant on her i love beeing with her and i will cheerish her forever if i have to but noone NEEDs anyone it only that u WANT someone ur just a bit naive to understand i might be youngh also but i think i understand that at least good luck



kidanis + bianca

Answer 6

now that you know what you have for a problem look forward to learning something new. go forward with studies and try and focus with this in mind time for meeting new men can wait and this you shoudl do when youa re completely ready not for stablity you are stable you can have time later when you are stable and can look at what you may need then.

Answer 7

Read:
Acts 2:21
Eph 2:8-9
Jude
John 3:15-21
Romans 1,3,6,10

Answer 8

you well be ok it because of the love that not in you life at the momemt but you well find your ture love he is out there somewhere and he well find you one day.
p.s you well be happy for ever

Answer 9

get an education you are headed in the right direction.... best wishes... be without a man for at least 6mos-1yr to dedicate to you getting your power back.....focus on you.....

Answer 10

I have the same problem and I need help with it too... good luck =]