My wife and I have a sometimes tumultuous relationship and I need some advice...?

Question

My wife and I have been married for over 5 years now. We often have brutal verbal agruments where we say horrible things to each other to prove how mad we are. I feel that this is some immature way of trying to be right on both of our parts. When we finally work things out, things are great until we butt heads again and then the "pissing match" begins all over.

This was easier to deal with before we had kids but now we have a 1 & 2 year old. I love these kids more than life itself. She knows this and constantly threatens to take them away which infuriates me to unspeakable levels.

Why do women present an image (that deserves an Emmy) when you are "wooing" us in the dating stage? Why do women change when you slip that wedding ring on? And why do they abandon all things pleasant when they finally have you in their grasp when kids come into the picture?

I am deploying soon and worry about what will be left of our relationship when I get back. Help me please. I really do love her.

Answer 1

Bro, do what ever it takes to work it out. Your kids are your everything and your future too. All women suck. The next one will drive you nuts in the same ways so suck it up and learn to love what you got. Best of luck and thanks for serving.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Don't participate in verbal battles. As soon as she starts an argument, look directly into her eyes and tell her that no matter what she is saying or doing you still and will always love and need HER. Remind her that she and your babies are the very best part of your entire life, because it is true. No woman will be able to resist those words. I promise you that.

I have been happily married for 17 years now. I would like to share some of the wisdom we have discovered through the years ( some of it the hard way ). Here it comes:
1. Learn to see things from your lady's point of view ( that might give you a better perspective and save you from getting angry for no reason ),
2. Show her affection all the time ( it will help carry you through some hard times ahead ),
3. Keep asking how you can help her with kids ( for the same reason ),
4, Remember: it isn't important being right all the time... not in your marriage anyway. What is important here: peace of mind as much as you both can provide to each other and your children. If both of you remember that, you will devote the time left before your deployment to cherishing your family. I think this is exactly what you all need right now. May God keep you safe and bring you back home to your family, where your heart lives. God bless.

Answer 4

You to need some serious counseling and coaching to learn how to fight fair and how to compromise.

You BOTH are strong headed individuals and no doubt competitive spirit so you are naturally inclined to want to win the verbal spars and neither one of you wants to loose. And before you know it your one ups-manship has turned into a verbal barrage intended to squash your advisary.

Spouses are not advisarries, you are a team and have to learn to work together as a team. You both need help, your style of finghting is so destructive, Horrible words hurt, they bring down, and once they come out of your mouth you can't get them back.
Conflicts that will enevitable arrive should be an oppertunity to find a solution, solve a problem together as a team, air a problem , voice your opinion, your feelings. Conflicts that arise call for a solution, not a call to haul out your verbal weapons on your enemy.
Love is like flower, if you take care of it and nourish now and then it will grow. On the other hand if you sprinkle it with weed killer it won't last long.
Get your wife on board with the two of you going for marriage counseling . It is well worth the time and effort. We invest time and money in many things in life, but what really could be a better investment than your marriage? If both of you want a happy marriage and want to stay married to each other, get help, it will payback much in benifits of a closer more loving relationship and an enviroment where your children can learn how to communicate openly and with respect . Children LEARN what they LIVE, set a good example mom and dad of what a loving marriage should be! Godd luck to you.

Answer 5

You both need help with conflict resolution skills.
Buy a few books on the subject, read them over and over again while you are gone, marking them up with things that you relate to your marriage and things that you want to read again and want her to read.
Bring them home with you when you return, and let her see what you have done. Don't make it a point to bring them to her attention, just unpack and have them sitting out where she can see them. Her curiousity will get the better of her.
Meanwhile, you need to think about the rollercoaster aspects of your relationship. I have a strong suspicion that these brewing arguments are about the same topics over and over again, else why do they keep coming back in the same manner? Identify the specific areas of concern that both of you have, and and figure out how much either of you is willing to bend on those issues. Then you can figure out which issues can be resolved easily, and which issues are going to need a lot of work because neither of you wants to budge. Write this stuff down while you are deployed, I'm sure you have time to think during your offshift periods.
Now! To address your accusations about women changing with that wedding ring!
That's a simple question, and simple questions are the worst because they have complex answers.
Your wife had an idea in her head of what she expects when married, and that idea is not the same as when dating. Why? Because you told her that you love her and want to spend your life with her, therefore, she thinks that you should be wanting to meet her needs and serious wants, which may or may not be reasonable.
The rules changed with marriage too. While dating you were taking life lightly together, forming love and fondness for eachother, and once married women want to find the best way to do household things, not just any old way. We're incredibly picky about minor details sometimes. We also, and perhaps naively, expect you to know what we want, lol
What happens is that we find out things about you that we didn't know before we lived with you, and we don't like these new surprises. Men too show their best side while dating, and save the little nasties for later, lol
"Abandon all things pleasant" sounds like you're complaining about sex? If so, remember that her body is not just a sex machine, it's been turned into a baby making machine, and between the sex and babies, she would just like her body to be her own body and nobody else's sometimes. If you went through pregnancy you would understand, I don't know how you can otherwise but to imagine it. Either something is living inside you, or the man is trying to invade you again, and it becomes overwhelming, as if our bodies are used too much by others. It's also a feeling that you can help her overcome by treating her like gold, by the way. Simple back massages and caresses instead of always wanting sex, change a diaper without being asked, do the dishes without being asked, cook a dinner without being asked. House chores and kids can destroy a woman's sexual desire, and her romantic feelings too. Realize that! Because most men don't. When your life is filled with practical concerns all day, taking care of other people, and staring at all the things unfinished around the house, it's really tough to turn on the sex goddess.
I could write for pages on why life changes after marriage and kids. I think you could too, if you think long and hard about it.

Answer 6

OK, well I've never been married, BUT I've been in more live-in relationships than I'd like to admit, so here's what I've learned.
Men are just as guilty of the "wooing issue" as women. We all put our best feet forward till we get secure and comfortable. Relationships take hard work on both parts ALL THE TIME.
You are absolutely correct in saying that it's an immaturity on both your parts to want to be right all the time. The things we say in anger are often impossible to erase, so STOP IT NOW before it's too late.
Find a good time soon to talk to her and tell her how you're feeling. If you feel the conversation getting heated, then STOP! Tell her you don't want to argue. Walk away if you have to. It's not healthy for either of you and least of all for your children who hear and are affected by everything you yell at each other. You may want to try couples therapy.
It's hard to have a good relationship, but it's not impossible. Talking to each other is key. Relationships are not built on love. They are built on TRUST and COMMUNICATION. If you trust and have good communication loves comes without effort.
Good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

It takes two to get into match of verbal abuse to each other. You both need to just speak positive and loving to each other and when you both sense that you might say things to hurt each other then start to diffuse the emotions by telling each other how much you appreciate each other and support each other because you both bring strength to the relationship. However, at times each of you can get frustrated, tired and feeling of hopelessness but this is when you give each other postive reinforcment.

The saying that goes "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"; is false. Words does mean alot and can either build your spirits up or break your spirits down.

My husband and I fortuantely don't have heated arguements; but we have stimulating discussions and opinion about what affects us and other issues. One thing we promise each other is that whatever feelings or concerns we have about our relationship or each other would come from a spirit of love. Yes, there are times we both get frustrated, upset, concern; etc. However, we make a point to use words that are uplifting, objective and not blaming or pointing the finger because we understand we're in this together forever.

He's my breath and I'm his heartbeat...If I were to say something to hurt him I would be hurting myself and he feeling the same way. If there are concerns or issues about anything I would suggest you both discuss them not when you are both upset but when you both have calm down and able to discuss in a health, constructive matter that will have a solution or process in which to resolve whatever the concern are regarding you and your wife and your kids. Remember, your kids being 1 and 2 are smart little people and know what is going on by your heated emotions and a stirr regardless whether they understand the reason for it is besides the point. Your soon to deploy so you both cherish each other like it's your last time. This is how you both should live regardless if you were being deployed or not. God Bless.

Let Jesus Christ be the center and fore front of your lives and you both will get through everything. God Bless

Answer 8

Well, I know women change after children just because of stress and fatigue. Having a 1 & 2 year old is very stressful!! I'm sure she loves you too by the way. Do you and your wife go to church? I know of a couple who used to fight all the time and found help through a relationship with God. Good luck with your deployment. I'll say a prayer for you and your wife.

P.S. Try saying some nice things to her and she may respond positively.

Answer 9

Sweet Pea it is not just women that change in the marriage it is both parties. I think it is wrong for women to use the children as a ping pong ball. You have to come to one realization and that is how do I make my marriage work? See it takes two to fight when you learn to close you mouth in a heated arguement you will find that the damage is less on your part. No one person can argue by them self. You are the head of the house so you have to love and protect the sacred marriage you have. When you start to make changes so will the Mrs. You both have to come to a common ground before you leave and make sure you leave with a pure heart and a good understanding between the both of you. One thing i have learned about my marriage it's not all about me, what can I do to make sure my hubbie has all he needs to take care of this family. How can I make my King stronger this day? When you stand up for your home the devil flees and your wife will follow your way. She is your princess learn to treat her such and i promise your reward will be greater than you can and will ever imagine. Good luck and God bless!

Answer 10

That's a really interesting way to understand what the two of you are doing when you say horrible things to one another--proving "how mad we are." What would it take for you to change the way you tell your wife how mad you are? You can't change your wife's behavior, but you can change yours. If you change how you fight with your wife, she will change how she relates to you. Unfortunately, at first, she is very apt to say even more horrible things as if in an effort to get you to fight in the fashion that is familiar to both of you. However, if you can avoid the emotional reactivity that the two of you have been relying on, she will eventually have the opportunity to calm down and talk to you in a different way also. Of course, there is no guarantee what she will do in the face of your change, but think about it. If your wife continues to say horrible things to you, how easy will it be for you to relate to her without saying the usual horrible things back? That should give you some clue about how difficult it will be for your wife to change her behavior if you continue to say horrible things to her. Keep in mind that you may have a slight advantage over your wife because you are thinking about what motivates your behavior and about changing it. Your description of the problem doesn't indicate how your wife is thinking about the fights.

Sometimes it helps for a couple, when they aren't fighting, to talk abut how they fight and spell out the rules of engagement that they will adhere to regardless of what the other one does. I suspect that such a discussion may be pretty difficult for the two of you to engage in without the help of a neutral third party. If I'm right, consider having that discussion abut how you fight in the presence of a good marriage therapist. At any rate, I wouldn't delay trying something new. As the time for your deployment draws closer, your fights are apt to intensify. As they intensify, the distance between you and your wife will widen and the chance of repairing the marriage will decrease.

The psychologist, John Gottman, has done a great deal of very thorough research into how marriages work. You may find it helpful to read his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Pay particular attention to what he says predicts whether or not a marriage will succeed or fail.

Answer 11

hi, i'm lady. i'd basically opt for to state this commonplace and supreme as i'd opt for to supply you genuine advice. in the beginning, are you specific she has an 'dependancy'? i'd comprehend if she have been observing everywhere from 3-6 movies according to day, in one sitting, that would desire to be slightly a situation. notwithstanding, frequently while women human beings turn to Romance movies/novels, they're thoroughly bored with the relationship they're in and that they opt for something exciting/romantic of their existence. which ability you are the situation. no longer her. somewhat of masturbatinf and crying like a sprint woman, take her someplace. If she's somewhat bored with each little thing interior the relationship she would be able to no longer innovations. If certainty she'll be pleasantly stunned, i'm no longer telling you to blow $one hundred funds on a date or something i'm saying take her to a park, a playground, something as properly abode, WITH YOU!!!! connect along with her and he or she would be able to no longer pass finding for romance everywhere else. this is genuine advice, no longer despite the hell those idiots are telling you. attempt IT!!