Is it okay to be involved with a straight married man if you are gay?

Question

I have been on the downlow with a guy for six years. We have been on and off, mostly on. He got married and had a kid but we have recently began kicking it again. I love him with all my heart. He says he's serious about leaving her, but I am not so sure.

I also wanted to add that I met him 6 yrs ago and they've only been married for 2. He is miserable and I just want to see him happy even if it means not being with me.

You guys are giving great advice.I know the right thing to do at times, but it is so hard to break it off with him. I have tried to hate him. He will ALWAYS want girls on the side. I know that. He did even before he met his now wife:(

DONNA W. Oh he plans on taking care of his son with or without being with her. YES, I am the first guy he's ever been with. I met him at 19 almost 20. He still thinks he's straight

Rashida_16. you sound young, don't knock me for something you know NOTHING about. You have yet to live.
I have a relationship with his son and his son loves me. He may be too young to understand what is the deal with his father and I, but he will NOT be shut out of my life either.

He got MARRIED AFTER we had been together for almost 4 yrs. He is trying to live the family, straight life for his family and still can't come to terms with his bisexuality.

I meant to live the straight life for "appearances to his family(ie: mom, etc.)"
He obviously has some feelings for me, or he would not keep coming back into my life after six long years. I am always on "hold" for him for when it's convenient for him. I am so mixed up in my head and heart about this.

One last thing( I think) that I forgot to add is that he finally TALKED to his wife recently about their lack of communication and the way she can't even cook, clean or anything while he busts his *** all day long at work. He made it pretty obvious to her that it's falling apart. Shouldn't she even realize it?! I mean you can't keep mistreating a person and expect them to stay around. I don't know what is wrong with me to endure SO much for SO long!:( Love makes you do crazy things.

Answer 1

No and that is not because of your sexual orientation. It is not right to be involved with anyone who is involved in a committed relationship (doesn't matter if the relationship is perfect or has issues).

The fact that he was with you prior to committing to another is wrong and cannot be justified by him stating he does not want his lifestyle publicized. Nothing justifies anyone to be mistreated as you and his wife have been.

Here is some extra advice to you -- Do not listen to anything negative he has to say about his wife because he would probably say the same about you if given the opportunity. He does not deserve you but I suspect deep down you already know that. You have been honest, open hearted and he is totally taking advantage of you. Don't block your blessings. Move on and leave yourself open for the person who was created just for you, truly deserves you and who would be proud and grateful to have you be a public part of their life.

The ball is completely in your court at this point as he already told you (and has shown you) that he is not willing to commit to you or to anyone. So even if he were to leave his wife see the situation for what it truly is (to include that his wife's housekeeping abilities have nothing to do with his handling of the situation in his marriage. I bet you cooked and cleaned up your place when he was with you and it resulted in the same thing. So . . . the point is what??? EXACTLY.

Recognize that he is small enough to use a woman and child as pawns to hide his sexual orientation without any remorse and refuses to accept any responsibilities for his decisions over the past 6 years and that he is a poor excuse of a man to complain to you about it when you were there for him prior to him deciding to ask someone else to be his wife).

Do not accept the pitiful excuse of wanting to live the life his family wants him to live because he is supposedly a grown man and is no longer living in mama's house. That is nothing but a crock of crap especially when he is still living his life of choice but in secret. Clearly he is not mature enough to make his own life decisions and stand by it. He is not ready for a committed relationship with you or anyone.

My take is you deserve more and that he is a weak, insensitive, pathetic, disrespectful, and selfish jackass . . . but you already know that. You stated that he will always want women on the side. That says to me he is totally incapable of fidelity. I bet you can tell I am pissed off and that is because I have four children of my own and I would hope my kids would think more of themselves than to allow an idiot to make them accept less that what God has provided for them. Ask yourself this question. What do you want in your life partner relationship? Things are great now but if you were to lose a limb, get a long term sickness . . can you depend on this person to be there for you, care for you and support you?

Anyway, to answer your question -- it is not okay to be involved with anyone involved in a marriage or a committed relationship. Regarding the rest -- if he were to leave his wife -- the final decision is totally up to you and what you are willing to accept regarding whether to allow this piece of trash to take up space in your life. Good luck to you.

Answer 2

What a terrible situation. Did he get married in an attempt to deny his sexuality? A lot of men do, and they do live miserably because they are not being true to themselves. I dont believe a person can be bi-sexual........I think they have a preference for one sex but go with the other sex because its more acceptable. If your love is miserable, then it doesnt matter whether you are on the scene or not. The marriage will not survive whilever he is denying his sexuality. He needs to come out of the closet.....admit he is gay and start living honestly. It is his decision to leave his marriage and you can only do what feels comfortable for you. You are the only person who knows what this man is going through, so you would be the best person to decide what to do. It is unfair to everyone concerned to be living a lie. He either wants to be with a woman or a man....he's got to start being honest. Its not fair to his wife and its not fair to his children. Just because he is gay doesnt mean he cant be a good father and his children will love him regardless of what his sexual preferences are, but he has to start being honest.

Answer 3

How in the world would you get involved with a straight man, if he's straight. I would think that if you have been on the downlow for 6 years, on and off, how does this mean he is straight. I would say either way, he needs to leave his wife for good, and take care of his end of the finances with his children. She does not deserve to be in the a victim of your relationship.

Answer 4

What u are doing is no different than what females do everyday. u love him and that is why u wait. Please do not sell your self short by waiting on this man. He seems very confused and unhappy within his self. His wife pry doesn't even know he is unhappy, if he lies to her he pry lies to u as well. I could bash u and tell u how morally wrong u are but why? I am sure u have already done this your self on more than one occasion. they say we are our worst critics rite.
Leave this man and get happy with in your self..even if he leaves her, can he really come out of the closet, will u be able to live a long happy life with this man, will he take u to family BBQ? Probably not. U as a person deserve more than him!!

Answer 5

How could you let anyone to manipulate you so? He is having the time of his life with you on one hand so to speak and with his wife and a child on another. At least they have no idea about the real story. There is absolutely no reason for him to change anything at all: he already has all of you exactly where he wants you. This way there is absolutely no reason for him to open up to anyone about his sexuality ( accept you, the man who loves him already ). He keeps you like his dirty little secret. Cowardly business... The point is: you are wasting your time. He isn't worthy of love and devotion. Six years is way too long to be sitting around waiting for him to call. Be strong and be proud, and true love will find you sooner than you think. Good luck sweetheart.

Answer 6

No, I would say its not okay. Its not okay for his family and I really don't think its fair to you as well. He may be serious about leaving her, but will he do it? It sounds like from your posts she may not work outside the home; will he be able to leave her financially? Or would most of his income go to alimony and child support once he leaves her? Not to mention the fate of the children. Not to say they can't be well-rounded individuals, but financially I imagine it would be a struggle for her. And he may want to leaver her, but how do you know he wants to leaver her for YOU? This, unfortunately, sounds like a situation that nothing good can come of. If you are openly gay, and he is not, there are a lot of complications that can come up with that alone. Sneaking around the restaurant to not be seen with him; you going one way and he the other at Target once he sees a family member is in the same store. Is that how you want to live your life? I don't know you but I doubt it. We, as a gay community, have made strides in being honest with who we are. But its almost as if you are turning back the clock as if its the 1960's. Your friend may have issues with his own sexuality. But that is something he needs to work out on his own. In the meantime, he is married with children. And that, my friend, means he is off-limits.

Answer 7

Regardless of his indecision over his sexuality, you have to step back for several reasons: 1.You don't want to be considered a home wrecker (even if you've been told that home is on the verge of wreckage on its own); 2.Stepping back shows how he can no longer just reach out to you whenever he wants you, like you're at his disposal anytime; 3.It may force him to make a decision regarding his sexuality and/or devotion to his wife. Don't be that "other woman", or in your case, that "other man"! Good luck to you. Hope YOU find happiness.

Answer 8

i kno exactly how u feel!!! (i'm straight though) i'm currently with sum1 4 the past 2 yrs wen I jst found out that he has a wife and son back in the Philippines. He did tell me 4rom day 1 bout her but told me he was divorced n yes love does make u do crazy things n makes u blind cuz I believed him. Now i found out that he still has feelings 4 her as he does 4 me n we been through sooooo mch together. It is hard because u dnt rlly kno wat he rlly wnts n wat u can do 2 try 2 help mke him decide. 4 me i rlly do luv him n he does evrythin he can 2 show that he luvs me but 2 know that she's still in his heart is hard. I say do wat ur heart tells u but don't let it live out ur life because if God made u 2 meet it mst mean sumthin rite? Take care n gud luck!

Answer 9

God that must be really hard on everyone involeved. Not going to lie to this is a toughie.

I know you love him but think about this. Are you getting what you need from the relationship? Do you feel loved and cared for and secure? You sound like your put on hold a lot by him and I dont think that fair. Even if he was super afraid of coming out love is love and he probably would have started being with you exclusivly if he wasnt messed up about a whole lot. I mean dont you want a guy you can got out with and just hold hands in public and call at home anytime you feel like it and just love 100 percent 100 percent of time?

Im a women, but I cant help but feel like we have something in common. I totally fell for a married guy and waited for him to. I was head over the heals for him. I never thought he was going to get a divorce and we didnt do anything but he kinda cheated on his wife emotionally. And he got a divorce and guess what he still didnt have enough guts to know if he wanted me or not - great guy to this day I still care for him but some men, dude they cant decide and that breaks people like me and your hearts. They feel like the one because they come back they have that spark in thier eye everytime they see you but they never will get rid of the distence and commit. I suggest you figure out what you want. If its a casual physical your great in bed thing its his responcibilty to be moral. But if you want to settle down and have a relationship full time with him talk to him and see where he is coming from but then move on if he cant choose. Real men choose and if he doesnt he will suck you into his drama and his unhappiness because you love him. You deserve to be happy and in a secure relationship.

I scanned a few answers and a lot of stuff came up about hiv/aids. Is american in 1980 still? You know aids isnt a gay diease people .............

If you want to talk with me feel free to email me and I can share my horro story and perhaps you can just feel better your not the only one to be in a place like this or I might be good for a few laughs. Good luck honey, go out and find that man who is really straight out of your dreams hes so good !

Answer 10

No!!!!Why would you do this to a friend of yours.There are other butterflies that you can catch,and when you do make sure that person is just like you without the attachment of a women on the side.I'm sure your radar might need a Lil fine tuning so you won't make this mistake again Madame butterfly fly away now.