The youngest said ''daddy!''
he just ignored..
the oldest said ''daddy!,
..daddy im bored''
he yelled leave me alone.
-dont talk to me.
-get outa my house,
-and leave the key.
the gurls were homeless.
didnt no what to do
so they called there mom,
she said ''i dont wantchu!''
they sat under a bridge
cold and hungry
fell asleep in tears
saying daddy were sorry
2.) what can i do
to make this come true.
he is my everything
my nickname is boo.
he does not understand
i want this to last
i broke his heart once
he needs a cast
iv told him im sorry
he dont seem to care
**** this ****
lifes not fair.
2007-08-04 14:49:59 · 10 answers · asked by nicky 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Well, poem number one was "okay", poem number two wasn't as good. The good news is that you're writing poetry and you'll get better as time goes by.
One thing to watch out for is sounding too much like you're just "talking", even if it rhymes a little. The other thing to watch out for is trying to rhyme so hard that the words don't really fit...but they rhyme. The next thing to watch out for is slang and spelling errors, such as "wantchu" in stead of "want you" or "outa" instead of "out of". If you're going to use slang to quote someone, as in "get outta my house", then you need to put the statement in "quotes" and make sure you spell the slang word correctly. "We're" means "we are", "were" means the past tense of "was" (or the first half of "werewolf"). "girls", not "gurls"...stuff like that.
Poem number one ends on an odd note...it doesn't have the closure, nor does it sound like it has closure, to the poem that proceeds it. Maybe another line that says "In spite of their fears"...something, but don't end it "saying daddy we're sorry"...it's not enough.
Poem number two is different...it just isn't very good. I can feel what you wanted to say, but it's almost as if you changed your mind half way through the poem. I think you feel that too. Plus, do NOT say "this life is not fair" or "life ain't fair", or anything that means the same thing. We "know" it isn't fair, and if you say it, it will sound like you're pouting...so don't say it. Okay? You're not alone in doing this, many other beginning poets say this, but it is something those who have written and read poetry, plus lived any time at all on this planet have come to accept...and it doesn't need to be said. You can "show" us how it's not fair, but don't "say" it...there's a big difference.
meanwhile, keep writing and don't be afraid to edit your poems.
2007-08-04 15:02:17 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the first one. That one uses a lot of imagery and it pulls at my heart strings cuz I know that feeling. It's sad and I really really love it. It sounds like it came from the heart and if this is one of your first poems, I applaud you. It's very good. I started writing poetry when I was in the 6th grade(age 11) and my poems weren't nearly as good as this one. I still have poetry that I write today that doesn't math up to this one. There are some spelling and punctuation errors that would need to be fixed but other than that, its very well written. Great work and keep it up!
2007-08-04 15:04:28 · answer #2 · answered by nocries121 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. Paul was writing because certain sects were still trying to force the Jewish ceremonies and laws onto believers, thus denying the power of Christ's sacrifice. If people chose to go down that road then they are back to relying on the law, which could never save them. If you were already circumcized when you became a Christian (as all the disciples and Paul were) that was fine. But do not get done after conversion.
2016-05-18 02:27:32 · answer #3 · answered by polly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like #2 better because i can relate to it, it was sincere, and funny at the same time. the only thing is to be mindful of the puctuation when you write poetry because it allows the reader to know when to pause and how to read the poem. I thought the first one was good too, but i was waiting for more....like you left me hanging. i think it's a good start for a really good poem..even if you just add one more stanza. i think you're doing good for your first time writing though! :)
2007-08-04 17:19:47 · answer #4 · answered by it's_love 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first one, because i've written ones about feelings before (2) and they seeem really gay if you read it from another person's point of view
2007-08-04 14:55:32 · answer #5 · answered by askingstuff 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love the first one. It's full of pain and desperation. Are you in real pain?? Heads-up, check your spelling unless you are taking poetic liberty, then I guess is ok!!! xoxo
2007-08-04 15:07:21 · answer #6 · answered by nena_2b 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly they are bad. Not just bad but horrible. There is a lack of insight, lack of lyrical stance and intelligence.
2007-08-04 14:55:58 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
have you ever read the peom of the ravin. mydad did and he
can quo te be heart. it is the shakeppear, i think i read it. it is about the bird.
2007-08-04 16:57:01 · answer #8 · answered by linda t 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
#1 wuz not bad. i did not enjoy #2, though.
2007-08-04 15:22:18 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like #2 its so deep!
2007-08-04 15:42:10 · answer #10 · answered by Wafflehouse Yum! =) 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋