is this poem good?!! be honest!!?

Question

Every time you come around my cheeks turn cherry red,
I don’t know what to say and I have no clue what you just said,
My stomach fills with butterflies,
As I stare deep into your deep blue eyes,
I start to shiver and my hands they shake,
When I think about you as I lay awake,
You make me feel warm and whole,
If only you understood the heart you just stole.

Answer 1

Wow...I don't believe I'm doing this...but I'm actually going to disagree with Todd! Sorry Todd...it was bound to happen sooner or later :)

Your poem isn't all that bad. Are the lines a bit cliche? Yes, but I don't think that it matters all that much considering you're writing it "to" someone...and that's pretty much what people do who are young and only have what they've heard to draw upon. So, that being said, you can clean up your poem a little by doing a few simple things:

You need to drop some beats from the first two lines...try this:
"When you come around my cheeks turn cherry red"
"I don't know what to say, I don't know what you just said"

It only drops a few words, but I think it keeps the meaning and tightens it up a little.

think about changing the line "I start to shiver..." so you drop the "they"...make it "I start to shiver and my hands start to shake"...it's what you want to say, so just say it.

The next line...drop the "when" so the line reads "I think about you as I lay awake."...only make it "lie awake" you can't really "lay" awake...add a three to even the beats and invert the two lines so that the whole thing reads:

I think about you as I lie there awake
I start to shiver and my hands start to shake

then the last two lines... "you make me feel warm and whole"...it has too few beats...and "warm" is a little soft...but we'll keep it for now...moving a few words around, adding a few to even out the beats...try this:

"you make me feel warm, safe, happy and whole
...If you only understood the heart that you stole"

Put them all together and see what you think. I think your poem shows promise. "Next" time you can write about something a little less personally directed, something we can all connect with a little more.

Keep writing

Answer 2

From 1 to 10, it is a 5

Answer 3

Hello, hey here's the thing. Pick up your poem again and ask yourself, how many of these images have you seen before?

Cheeks turning red

stomach with butterflies

deep blue eyes

The answer is you've seen all of them. For a poem to be good it has to be more unpredictable than this. That doesn't mean you can't write. It just means you need to stretch yourself to write better. I think you can. There are some seeds in this that can be developed into something that is entirely your specific view of life. Try to find that.

Answer 4

The beginning is weak and is kind of akward. Cherry is not the word u need to use. The end of the second line is misleading and kind of out of place and is not the tone of the poem. It's pretty good, whatever u do just be yourself and it'll be great no matter what anyone says.

Answer 5

needs some structure -like my hands they shake(not correct)-shorten the first and second sentence-
When you come around my cheeks turn cherry red
Can't speak and have no clue to what you just said

I start to shiver and my hands begin to shake

Answer 6

yeah i really like it, it really says something that the character was nervous around a guy and fell in love and their heart was stolenQ if that makes any sense!lol

Answer 7

Good!, Babe, I even wish that I was the guilty one who stole your heart.

Answer 8

Lol, I relate to it. I, personally, believe it's pretty good. Aw, shucks, and I was all ready and raring to come in and go "Simon" on your poem's ***.

Answer 9

If you scratched this out in a few mintues, it is great. If you sweated over it, it is good. I like it either way.

Answer 10

Aw, so cute. Lucky guy...just hopes he realizes it!!
With just some minor tweaking, it will be great.