This is the last time I will post this... Todd, kind king of the pile of answers, are you still around?

Question

I'm sure it still needs work, but I think I'm getting closer! Any advice on stanza breaks?

How like voices
the rain sounds tonight,
like the hard whisper of prophets,
the truth of the finite
in each breaking drop.

How sobering,
to feel yourself
at the center of this:
Blossoming Death.
How strange
to be within
That which grows
within you,
and the scent is not sweet.

The whole reach of death.
The slipping of skin
the cracking of bones,
the accumulation of creases,
between
the burden of knowledge
and the terror of mystery
we, in darkness,
lie.

What words are there
for a mother who must
release her child?
She sits even now,
empty, open arms
longing to embrace
that which left them empty.

To hold it gently,
There was a bird
fallen, and you held
its shivering flesh
in your child hand,
too young to know
what name to give this
sadness,
but alive enough
to feel the change when the
small body stiffened.
You knew you had touched
something more permanent
than life.



You learned of burial
and gravestones that day.
your empty hand
a child’s no more,
and something was left behind
as you moved from this moment.


A Passing.
Your passing
into this knowledge.

my last revision, though a good exercise, didn't feel right or authentic. I think I salvaged some of my original ideas from the clumsy words they were trapped in. I also included more than the savagely cut last version. Todd, my most recent edits were almost exclusively due to your time and tolerance spent on my work, thank you ever so much, your critique was excellent.

You may plant a kiss on your computer screen, Hassan, I'm sure it will reach me some how. Also, you needn't be Todd to comment on the poem... I'm glad you found it interesting enough to read.

Answer 1

I can see someone's been editing...and doing a good job at it. The first stanza is very, very well done. I'd look at "breaking" though...maybe "fragile"? do drops "break"? You might be able to find a better word, but the stanza flows very well...nicely done.

Line breaks in the 2nd stanza need work....try this:

How sobering,
to feel at the center of this:
Blossoming Death. How strange to be
within that which grows within you,
and the scent is not sweet.

this mirrors more closely the pattern of the first stanza, and by dropping "yourself", which is unnecessary here, you bring the beats back in line.

Stanza three has similar problems...maybe this might work:

The whole reach of death.
slipping of skin, cracking of bones,
accumulation of creases, between
burden of knowledge and terror of mystery
we, in darkness, lie.

Again, it better mirrors the previous stanzas, although the 4th line takes the place of the 3rd line in beats. Dropping of the "the"s helped remove the repetative sounds and more focus on the beautiful counterpoint you thought up without distraction.

Finally, the last stanza...try this:

What words are there
for a mother who must
release her child? She sits even now,
empty, open arms longing to embrace
that which left them empty.

The poem is beautiful...really, it is. My editing recommendations are just that, recommendations, but I believe they keep your poem true to itself and resolve some of the line break issues you'd been wrestling with...or at least I hope they've pointed you in the right direction.

again, beautifully done..keep writing

Answer 2

Willow,

I like the inclusion of “the terror of mystery” that seems to be much truer to the point you are getting at here. I also like that you went back to your original thoughts on the mother strophe—much better. It feels like a more complete image there. Oh, you got the magic back! (I didn’t realize it had left until I read the revised child and bird ending). The end here is so much stronger. Really beautiful! Stanza breaks seem pretty solid. You could go through the line break exercise Margot discussed earlier in your first draft question, and that may suggest something. Maybe a stanza break after blossoming death, but that’s purely a style choice. I think you are probably at the point where you can set this down for a month or so, and come back with the new perspective of time between revisions. It looks fairly solid to me.

Thanks for developing this poem. It’s really wonderful.

Todd

Answer 3

This is beautifully done
I like how it talks about
a number of things like
voices, weather like the rain
and embracement but love is empty
I think you did much work on this
and did it very well.

Answer 4

Whoo! I concur! (except fer the kisses lol but, would gladly "high five" ya *^_^*)

Where did you come from? loved this piece!

Todd is a very diligent critique and a wise one at that, unlike my self who is so very wrapped up in my busy world...

Your words chosen in imagery put me at awe hon, great work here...


All the Very Best, Shad @)~>~

Answer 5

It sounds like this was inspired by someting real, which is always a good thing.


Todd,
You are great.

Answer 6

I wish i was Todd

...............................
..............................

Once upon a distant time,
a passionate poet used to
cast a reflection in my mirror
till my pains have stopped rhyming
yet, i still carry a lot of respect & gratitude
to those who still spill their petals of thought
in a vertical tower of black & white

Allow me to plant a kiss on your cheek