Cry…
I fell.
I fell for you.
Why can’t I get up?
When I can’t cry.
I feel like crying.
Tonight I can’t help you.
But could you help me.
For one last chance,
Can I be saved?
Can I cry tonight?
In your arms.
Can you take my pain away?
Away from me.
Wipe my dried tears from my cheek.
Let me cry for you.
Let me die for you.
Can I hate you once again?
Or do I just forgive and forget.
I don’t want to be numb.
So I cry.
Cry for the broken.
Cry for the shame.
Cry for you.
Cry and try to forget.
My anger is purely sympathetic
But never has this cut been so deep.
So why feel nothing.
If your blood is already running.
If I cry much longer,
Would I hurt much longer?
Could you save me?
‘Cause this numbing won’t last much longer.
The drugs wear away.
My heart does the same.
Cry please.
Without your tears, I have no one to blame.
So I cry for the broken.
And I cry for the shame.
So I cry for you.
And I cry for me.
Without you’re love, I will cry and embrace.
As I fall.
As I fall from grace.
2007-08-04
08:07:54
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11 answers
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asked by
Anonymous
in
Arts & Humanities
➔ Poetry
it is supposed to be a long poem!
2007-08-04
08:26:35 ·
update #1
yeah. i actually wrote it when i was 12. so it's not perfect. and i don't think it's perfect or good. i guess it is a little depressing. but i just wrote this way. all the poems i wrote were depressing. i guess you write one depressing poem, all of them start to become depressing. at least thats how it was for me.
i would LOVE tips for this poem!
2007-08-04
08:31:58 ·
update #2
and yes i'm older than 12 now. not much older. (not going to give out my age) but i'm at least (lets say) a few years older! =)
2007-08-06
19:49:49 ·
update #3
OMG that's amazing! i love it! and just coz it's depressing doesn't make it a bad poem - i love dark/depressing poems!( just look at mine that i've posted, some of them are very dark) if you have anymore, post them on here or email them to me please, i would love to read more! And i can't believe you wrote such a good poem at 12! wow
Anyways, i love it, keep up the good work!
2007-08-04 21:15:13
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answer #1
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answered by pullthetrigger 6
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You wrote it when you were 12...so I assume you're not 12 anymore, right? That's good...you survived :)
Now, if you want to write a good poem from this one, think about how you felt during this time...don't pay so much attention to how the poem says it now, think about how you "felt" back then. Write down ten lines that describe how you felt and why...just 10 lines. look at those 10 and see if they really cover everything you felt. If in the process of doing this you realize that you can't think of "10" lines worth of feelings...that's good! stop when you don't really think you're coming up with new stuff. Now, connect those 10 lines with words so that each line will flow one into the other. Remember, you are not trying to "tell" us, you're trying to "show" us...by this I mean you shouldn't say "I felt bad or sad", you have to say "my heart stopped beating" or "my eyes refused to shine"...something that conveys the emotion without "saying" or "telling". It should be something that when we hear it, we know "exactly" how you felt. "Sad" doesn't cut it.
Try this and when you get something you think better describes how you felt, post it. Don't try to make judgments on a poem you wrote when you were 12, it's not fair. You are not that person anymore and you need to use your hard earned wisdom to better express yourself.
now...start writing :)
2007-08-05 01:47:55
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answer #2
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answered by Kevin S 7
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It sounds like a bit of a rap to me.
The one set of lines in here that I think is worth writing about and expanding is:
When I can’t cry.
I feel like crying.
There is a good poem in that thought. If you have some time, you may want to approach this again starting from that idea.
Take care.
2007-08-04 17:49:03
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answer #3
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answered by Todd 7
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Hey,
I havnt read the whole of your poem its a bit too long, well yeah...its loads too long and it sounds a little depressing. I dont think you've actually used that many words its just all the short sentances all going down in one big collum. Maybe you should try tweeking it a bit, or shortening it. If u wanna write more poems, make them a bit happier. Good luck <3
2007-08-04 15:11:16
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answer #4
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answered by Anonymous
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Absolutely brilliant. You are an excellent poet, and you've got a great future ahead of you. I would suggest publishing on Poetry.com where you could win a prize. This was well thought of and very creative. You have a great style of writing poetry. Keep it up, superstar!!!
2007-08-04 15:31:07
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answer #5
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answered by djb32067433_1 4
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thats really good. er, um...maybe you could add more adjectives in there to help it flow better. like used different words for the same meaning i really like it. if you worked on it ...it could be a song!
*will star*
2007-08-04 22:57:03
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answer #6
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answered by xXx*MuSiC=LiFe*xXx 3
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This is my least favorite form of poetic expression...but, since you made me read all the way to the end, there must be something to it...
When you get over "What's-his-name-I-can't-remember?" you will look back at this poem and laugh...
Write about something that millions of people care about.
2007-08-04 15:23:00
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answer #7
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answered by TD Euwaite? 6
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It is really good and has a great flow to it but it lacks slightly on imagery. : D
2007-08-04 21:05:59
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answer #8
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answered by Miya Miya 5
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i really like it. You should make a song out of it. Ã keep writing!
2007-08-04 16:10:50
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answer #9
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answered by Anonymous
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so plain, no description, no symbolism. It's great you are trying to express personal feeling for this person, but make it more subtle
2007-08-04 15:24:42
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answer #10
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answered by Chara Pointshot 4
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