Controlling Husband?

Question

My SO is out of town working for 2 weeks and I am so relieved. I love him, but he is such a control freak that its a blessing to get a break. Problem is that he still tries to "plan" my day for me while he is gone. He has a list of things HE thinks I should be doing. I lost my temper with his list and he just sees it as me being lazy. He has no concept of the fact that I am capable of keeping myself occupied, because the things I may choose to do are not the things he would have me do. Whew! How do I get him to stop trying to plan my every minute with out ending up in a fight and him hanging up?

We have been married since Dec 06. And yes, I have a full time job, pay my own bills, raised my kids, own my own home (of course we live in his and I am expected to sell mine).

Did I know he was like this before I married him? Never had anyone try to control me before, I've always been extremely independant so I didn't know the warning signs. Now I'm just trying to deal with it and still keep my identity intact.

Answer 1

Yeah.

Well, either you are capable of independent thought or you are not. While he's gone just ignore the list, do things your way, and if something on his list gets done, great. If not, great.

Next time he starts with a list write it all down.

Then

Give him a reciprocal list, all written out and ready to go. "oh, Hon, here's yours."

.... Change the oil, mow the lawn, empty all the trash cans and replace the bags, put the trash out, wash the cans....etc...

If he wants to know why He's getting a list, just look amazed and tell him you thought you guys were going to start giving each other lists.

If he insists, no, only He gives You a list then tell him, no, if we are going to do this then we need to do it right. I get one, you get one.

Or you can take his list and put his name on it. Give it back. Say, I don't want it....you take it....Thanks anyway....

Approach it with the attitude that you are training him. All sweetness and understanding, "Honey, this is how it is done, ok?"

Maybe he'll figure it out.

Do monitor his behaviors. He is training you for abuse. This is the baby step. Raising his voice is next. Then raising his hand. Then he'll actually hit you. See if you can keep the cycle from completing itself.

Take a look at his parents and his family history and see if your marriage is heading down the tracks toward domestic violence.

Good luck, dear.
And God bless you and yours.

Answer 2

Can you not see the giant red flag waving in front of you, girl? The very fact that you could even say you feel relief that he is not around is huge sign that all is far from well. This man is a controll freak and in a big way but he is going to change. He is going to get worse and if you marry him he will believe that now you belong to him and he has the right to controll your every movement and he will always want more and more controll over your life until you have no life outside of what he choses to allow. At this point there is no telling just how far this is going to go, especially if you make this legal in marriage. Are you gonna wait for him to get out the leash and star to tell you when you can eat and when you can go to the bathroom

If you feel relief with him away for a short time, think how grand you will feel with him out of your life. Trust me it is going to get worse and you are not going to like being cut off and shut in and worn down. Wait until you are married or worse have a few children and you will be trapped and you will have given him more tiny victims that will stand less chance against him and his behavior. Get out while you still can girl, don't be no fool, no amount of stroking is worth what you are gonna pay for it.

Answer 3

Honey, I understand... You can't stop someone from having their insecurities. You do understand, it's not you, it's him. It's him showing you that he is in control of you, even when he isn't their. He can manipulate you from a distance. You are bucking up, when he tries to put the reins on you. It's normal, especially if you are an independent woman. I am in a similar situation that I am legally forced to be in for about another month. Trust me... if I could say what I wanted to him right now, Oh.. he would know that I don't love him at all. I can't stand him trying to tell me that "you don't respect me" when you say that' and or telling me I need to leave now, because he said' Everytime I stand up for what I think, and or feel, it causes a fight. That is all we do now. Enough now, where it became violent. He was hitting me because I didn't do what he said. Well, I called the police, and because I was at his house, and I smelled of alcohol I got arrested. Trust me.. he knew he was going to jail that night, so he threw me under the bus. Get out while you can.. trust me. I've already spent over three thousand dollars. And, I have to see this man every day because "he loves me" and wants to see me. He is the witness for the state...so I have to suck up until this is all over..

Answer 4

Sit down with him and ask him what things are really important to him that should be done, eg. the house should be vacummed once a week. Then tell him you will make sure that this gets done sometime in the week but you will decide what time and day you do it. This should be workable for both of you. The key is to make him see that he can have the living conditions that he wants without scheduling everything..

Answer 5

You are probably goin to fight until he gets the picture. A person will only do what you allow them to do. Are you a stay at home mom or wife? Maybe he thinks he has a right to give you a list if so. Start slowly puttin an end to things you dont like. Try talkin to him about it. The longer you let things go on, he's goin to assume you are okay with it.

Answer 6

He's your EX-HUSBAND!!! The day you filed for a divorce he lost all his rights to have any say about what you do or don't do. Stop being such a big push over and stand up to him. I tried really hard to be on friendly terms with my ex after the divorce, but he took advantage of my kindness and was a complete jerk towards me. Finally one day when I was on the phone with him and he was doing his usual complaining and giving me a really hard time. I had all I could take of his attitude and screamed on the phone for him to F*** OFF!!! Then I slammed the phone down. From that day on, I refused to take any crap off him. When he called, as soon as I heard his voice on the phone, I put the telephone down and called our daughter to the phone. I stopped letting him come in my house to pick up our daughter for his visits and made him sit in his car and wait for her. I told him, I divorced you so I didn't have to put up with your crap anymore and being nice to you seem to only bring the worst out of you. From now on, I want nothing to do with you. Don't call for the purpose of talking to me and I don't want you in my house anymore. Life got a whole lot easier for me, once I refused to have anything more to do with him. You have to let your ex know that you are not his wife anymore and he needs to find some other woman to boss around, because you are no longer available to him anymore. If that doesn't work, then you may have to get a restraining order against him.

Answer 7

Tell him that you have your own list of things to do in your head and you know it well! Tell him that while he's working, your at home making sure the house stays tidy. If you have kids, you help the kids. Tell him that he isn't the boss of you. When your married, it can't be that he's the King and your his maid. Tell him, you love him and that you don't want the realationship to end. Tell him that you know what you need to do.

Hope this helps!

Answer 8

tell him you are partners in a marriage, you were capable living on your own before him, try to gently explain this, if that doesn't work then, try giving him a list and let the first item be for him to stop making lists for you!
BTW what happens if you don't do whats on this list?

Answer 9

Plan his day for him see how he feels. You are right you have right to plan you own day. As long as you know what you are doing and, you have all your stuff you plan for yourself done then he has no room to complain.
Have him stay home and do his list...lol You are not a child you are a married woman not his child! Tell him if he wants to treat you as a child you will start acting like one.

Answer 10

he knows perfectly well you can take care of yourself. he has a disturbance i bet is linked to OCD, compulsive disorder. dont sell your house. look ocd up on the internet. is that him? he is not gonna change. and he is calling you names? and making llists for you? dont take his calls for the next two weeks and look at your question after that time and this answer and ask yourself, after 2 weeks without him how do i feel? lazy? stupid? dirty? of course not, you will probably feel normal. it is a dance that he is doing with you with your permission. it is a fear on his part and it is soul killing for you. you will never end this fight because he cant control his need to do this to you. see how you feel after not taking his calls and not seeing him for 2 weeks. i bet you feel normal and relieved. when he comes back and starts up, see how you feel. then choose which way you want to feel, how you feel when he is around or how you feel when he is away. it is up to you. he has already told you you are lazy so you know where he is coming from