What do you think of this poem?

Question

i wrote it all by myself

you shine like a wonderful star
up so high and yet so far
you went up there in may
while i was by the rivers bay
i will never see you anymore
because i am stuck down here on the earths floor

on a scale of 1(being worst) and 10(being best) what do you think??

Answer 1

10- It's very good, Touches my heart.

Answer 2

This was a good attempt...no doubt. However, Todd brings up some good points, here are some more:

You're using "rhymed couplets"...which means that each line rhymes with the line just below it. This is a very tricky style, although many new poets try to use it. Why is it tricky? Because it creates a very sing-song, or "rhymy" pattern that makes the subject sound childish if the lines are too short...which yours are (only because of the couplets). Listen:

twinkle twinkle little star
how I wonder where you are

Do you hear it? It has the same meter and rhyme pattern as your poem...and it sounds just as simple. Now, compare that to this:

I cannot help but think of you as a shining star
Who on a comet's tail will travel, oh, so far

It's still a couplet, but because the lines are longer, your brain doesn't hear the rhyme until a few beats later, so it doesn't sound as "rhymy".

The other thing to keep in mind is that star-far, more-floor, etc. are common rhymes, and you don't want to sound too "common"...you want your images to be "fresh" and "new"...right?

Another item: your last two lines have different numbers of beats and a different meter/pattern. When you write couplets, you need to be consistent with your pattern. If you're having trouble making rhymes and getting what you meant to say into the available words...then just forget rhyming and write what you need to say in free verse...free verse can sound very beautiful and poetic, it just doesn't rhyme.

So, you get a 4. One point for being brave enough to post, one point for writing, one point for trying to rhyme, and one point for asking for honest feedback.

On the other hand, you should try writing a few lines of your own thoughts, and forget about the rhyme for right now. Put them down, work them over, then let us see them.

keep writing

Answer 3

Forgive me for not giving a rating. I want to give you honest feedback ,and none of this, I mean none of it, is meant to be harsh ok. Just want to go over something with you that might help your poem and your poetry in general.

I think you have a bit of forced rhyme here, that is when you say something because you need to make the rhyme work without worrying about the content. Look at line 2: Up so high and yet so far. That doesn't really make sense. Yet implies a contrast. If you were to say, "Up so high and yet so close", you would be contrasting the ideas of far and near. The way you have it here is like saying: "I love you yet I am attracted to you". Do you see what I mean. Rhyme is a technique you can use, but what's more important is considering the precise words you need to say in your poem. Please just give this some thought as you sit down to write. Don't worry about rhyme focus on content.

Just my thoughts. Keep writing.

Take care.

Answer 4

I think I'd have to give you a 1 1/2, or two.

I really got the impression that lines three and four have not had much work put into them, and therefore, aren't very good. It seems like with this poem you really went against the "sacrifice the rhyme before you sacrifice the idea" rule.

I hope that this was helpful, and best wishes--keep writing. I hope this didn't sound really harsh--I wanted to give you my opinion. :-)



******Note to Todd: Great answer--100 thumbs up for you!

Answer 5

It's around 6 or 7. The rhyme scheme is basic, yet the thoughts are complex.

Answer 6

I give it a 5. You should shorten the last sentence to make it flow short and sweet like the rest of it; i.e., 'I'm stuck here on earth's floor.' That's what I think baby... But nice writing!

Answer 7

a 10! I liked it!

Answer 8

10 love it

Answer 9

It's a tear jerker! I give it a 9.999!

Answer 10

i give u a 7....its pretty good poem