Teenager Advise Please!!!!?

Question

I have a 13 year old girl. She is a person that my wife and I marvel at most of the time. She is smart and studies hard. She is good to her sister, willingly babysitting when asked. She has a big heart and is willing to help people. We go to church and she volunteers and plays volleyball. Here comes the problem....She is VERY pretty and mature (looking) for 13. Like most teenagers, she is interested in sex and curious about alcohol. We have caught her having sex and know she has been dipping into our liquor cabinet (marked bottles). Her mother and I are at our wits end and don't know what else to do. We have caught her having sex before and thought that we had said and done the right things to get her to think about the consequences of her actions, but we have caught her again. The alcohol is a new development.

Any advise for a father that doesn't need to pull his own hair out. Mother nature is taking care of that naturally.

Thanks

yes, we are punishing her. She is grounded until the second coming of christ. No computer, no phone, extra chores, etc.

We are also obviously taking extra precautions with the liquor cabinet. We had already marked the bottles, but now it has a new lock and we have hidden the key. When this happened to me, my father sat me down and got me drunk to the point I was throwing up. That cured the problem for me for a few years.

Answer 1

Isn't this age fabulous? No one gets raising teenagers until they have one.

First, you don't mention your religious or cultural beliefs on safe sex. Well, the issue is now here, and no punishment you can effect will put the genie back in the bottle. While education shouldn't be a punishment, this is a fantastic time to make the punishment effective in at least one regard. It is time for you to have Sex Talk 3.0 with your daughter.

We learned that there are many versions of the sex talk. It seems Sex Talk 1.0 is when you explain to your little child that babies do not come from any of the other species or methods they hear about at television and that they're called "privates" for a reason. Sex Talk 2.0 is when you tell your child later on that sex is a very serious deal and that now that cable television has shown then it may not be as gross as they thought it's still not the recreational choice you would prefer. Sex Talk 3.0 is THE BIG ONE, in which you need to make sure that if they have it (or have it again) you don't need to get ready to have Sex Talk 1.0 Redux with a grandchild or check your medical insurance to see what STDs are covered and if you will have to mortage your house for AIDS treatment.

Your daughter will not find this talk entertaining or recreational. She does not want to hear this from her father, which is why you must reach deep down into yourself and find that mischievous, evil part of yourself you hid when you became a parent and bring it back out. Feel glee at the fact that she's going to be deeply uncomfortable, and get your supplies.

FIrst, get a copy of The Guide to Getting It On, and see if you can also find a copy of a medical manual that has great pictures of warts, Hepatitis C symptoms, AIDS symptoms, childbirth and domestic violence. Make sure those pictures are as grisly as possible, and include patients near her age. Then find a few nice pictures of people who are clearly grownups with solid lives.

Make a little "Are you ready for sex" quiz. No one really is at her age, but this is a great object lesson. Here are some good questions:

1. Can you recite the middle names of everyone you've had sex with? (If not, that also means you wouldn't know your baby's father's full name.)

2. Did you use a condom, and if so, did you check the expiration date?

3. Did you worry about getting caught and getting in trouble? (Adults only worry about being caught and getting embarrassed.)

Have the talk in a comfortable place--for you. Large dining room tables are great, living rooms aren't. She can get comfortable enough to zone out what you're saying, and you can get comfortable enough to ease up on her. Things you need to cover:

1. She now needs to see a gynecologist. She engaged in grown up behavior, and grown-ups need to see to their own health. She could have contracted something; schools are rife with HPV and chlamydia and she wouldn't even know she had either. let alone something more serious.

2. Her mother should cover what to expect at the gynecologist.

3. You can cover circumcision vs. non issues with her to prepare her for encountering them and add to her misery at having her father say these things.

4. Together, you should cover every single option for birth control in extreme detail. This is for her health, and to reinforce that adults actually face their decisions before they make them. Methods to cover are in the book I mentioned.

5. She can't hang out with boys at all until she's sufficiently mastered the information you've given her, take the steps you've demanded and earned back your trust. How does she earn back your trust?

By completing her punishment MATURELY--no arguments, tantrums or misbehavior. A trustworthy person doesn't whine about what they've brought upon themselves! You might want to add volunteering at a hospital's maternity ward or a local homeless shelter for teens to the list. If she's as bright as you say, information is everything. She will experiment, and the best you can do is give her information and demonstrate consequences.

**ADDITION**

Drinking is, unfortunately, something you can't innoculate her against. The best thing you can do is to give her the information she'll turn to when she's made mistakes, and SHOW her as much as you can. Drink responsibly in front of her; if one of her parents has one drink away from home, let her watch you hand over the car keys to the other as a matter-of-fact mature decision. Let her get used to seeing that now, so she does it later as habitually as she buckles up. Drink responsibly with friends, but also drink non-alcoholic drinks when you feel like it and VOICE THE CHOICE. In other words, actually say, "The wine here looks good, but I think I'm in the mood for a soda/coffee/water/tea." This is how she learns how a responsible adult with the opportunity to drink behaves in the presence of beverages. She can't read your mind when you make these decisions every day, and it's necessary to show her.

Also, don't shield her entirely from behavior you don't want her to see. While I don't think using friends as examples of poor behavior to your children is the right thing to do by your friends, strangers are fair game. If she sees how idiotic people can get when intoxicated, she won't associate intoxication with coolness or fun. Teenagers are more sensitive to noise and light (ask a doctor), and dislike bars. That's where much of the alcohol is, so going to one (especially a sports bar) for one good sports game, even if only for one drink and some appetizer, is a good way to see the animals in the zoo. Don't announce it's a lesson; that way, she will observe without feeling schooled.

Answer 2

Well first make sure at the very least she is protecting herself.Then if the consequences of sex haven't sunk in perhaps you could have her volunteer at the hospitals nursery or a day care center, lots of crying smelly children may make it a bit more real,than just the abstract notion that sex can lead to kids.

As for the alcohol lock your liquor cabinet and find a good hiding place for the key. Don't put it somewhere too obvious, as in somewhere you as a teen would have looked. Talk to her about how the alcohol can effect her schoolwork, which it sounds like she cares about, and even how it can effect her volleyball playing. The diagrams they show at school of what an alcoholics brain looks like does nothing to stop a kid, so if the problem persists then let her see what alcohol can do to a real person.

Mainly talk to her about both and don't just tell her about what can happen, but show her the reality if the words don't seem to be getting through.

As a teen I know kids like her who started off like that and their parents would either pretend like it wasn't happening, or talk but it wasn't getting through. For teens we need to see the reality, not just the pictures and the statistics.

Good luck, you sound like you're a good parent trying to do the right thing.

Answer 3

If your daughter is not ready to discuss anything, then I would leave it be for now. However, something is bothering her. If this is going to be her 2nd year in this school, then maybe she was a victim of a bully or had something really embarrasing happen to her last year. You indicate that your family is vitamin-conscious. I would make certain to exercise together as well. Just riding bikes together would help raise her endorphins and give her a feeling of betterment. Once school starts, make certain you ask her every day how her day is going? That way as soon as a problem arrives, then you can take things a step further by making a visit to her guidance counselor or school social worker. This should be a last resort because you don't want to embarass her further if she has already been embarrased. However, don't spoil her either. Make certain that you give her daily house chores to do besides her homework. Make her contribute to the family. I wish you the best!

Answer 4

i honestly think you're doing all you can by grounding her.. coming from a girl who grew up with only her father, i know my dad would take away things just like you have until he felt i was being responsible again.. but the second he saw me slipping off the right path he would ground me again. basically he was firm on me. it really worked because everytime i started to do something wrong i would be thinking, what will my consequences be for this. and most of the time i wouldn't do it because i figured i'd rather not be grounded.

basically i learned the phone, computer, friends, car, going out, and having fun are all priviledges that i have to earn and in no way just deserve.

good luck

Answer 5

The sex thing...
You can't do much about it, but perhaps maybe put her on birth control? At least this way, you know she's at least protected no matter what.

The alcohol...this one you have a bit more control over. I don't really know what to do, but you ARE punishing her right? Like no computer or grounded for a week, unless she already stays home all day and that'll have no effect.
Either way, for the alcohol problem, you do need to punish her.

Answer 6

well.. when the kid reaches the adolescent stage.. its pretty much a NORMAL thing for an adolescent to be curious about SEX... but the alcohol.. i dont know about that. but to me, the alcohol is more of a peer pressure thing, or a way to "fit in" believe me, ive been through that.. but the SEX thing.. she is very young to be doing that.. and there isnt pretty much anything to deal with that, except talka bout ways to keep her away from unwanted pregnancy, and HIV and AIDS.. i was caught before from my parents having sex when i was 15..im a guy.. but my parents councelled the girl after we got caught.. and she listened.. my parents were really supportive and very understandable.. they told both of us about aids and hiv and how pregnancy could be hard.. and also the consequences.. and after awhile.. we had sex again, and the girl asked if i had a condom, luckily i did, and so we both learned our lesson.. not that sex is bad for our age, but we learned a way to prevent from STDS and HIV ..but right now.. im kinda not into all that.. soo just tell the situations in a way they could understand. and a way they could feel a little emabarrased...

Answer 7

Im a teenager 13 and i dont have any interest in sex. but i guess everyone is diffreent. i would suggest that you show her the consiquences , bring her to a homeless shelter and tell her or show her where other peoples lives had led to from alchohol. You could also tell her all the diseases she can get from having sex and ask her what she plans to do if she gets pregnant. Give her a reality test. She will realize the consiquences and hopefully stop or atleast use a condom.

Answer 8

this is very normal for her age. a lock on the alcohol cabinet is a great idea. you really can not do anything about the sex except make sure she is not home alone! keep talking to her and telling her it is wrong. if it continues, take her to a councelor. if she gets EXTREMELY defiant, there are wilderness programs that are 1 month long that will straighten her out. it worked for me. i went when i was 14.

Answer 9

You need to take her to the GYNO and put her on birth control ASAP. If she's had sex and you've told her not to and you've caught her at it again, it is unlikely she'll stop. It's better to be safe than sorry, even if it does mean that she is having sex without your approval it is better than her getting an infection/disease or even getting pregnant.

As for the drinking, keep your booze locked up as you are doing now.

Answer 10

i think you need to do the same thing that your father did with you.
you need to teach her that if she is going to be "mature" and responsible enough to drink and have sex, she better be ready to handle the consequences.
make her drink to the point of throwing up repeatedly.
who wouldnt want to do shots of vodka with mom and dad?
get one of those fake pregnancy things that you wear and make her go on errands with you for an entire day while everyone stares at the 13 year old teenage mom.
better yet, get one of your neighbors to let her babysit the kid at your house [with no parental help] for an entire day!
and make sure its a baby who constantly screams, not one of the docile ones.
then, teach her about the devastating effects of STDs.
if she still wont catch on, let her try to get a date when she 'has' herpes or gonorrhea.
not too easy is it?
show her the liver anad brain scans of people who started drinking at 13.
what does she aspire to be? shes never gonna get there if she keeps drinking, because by age 25, she'll probably have the mental functioning of someone who is just beginning to go senile.
you need to shock this kid.
since shes very smart, just talking to her or grounding her will get you absolutetly nowhere.
im sad to say, but you're going to have to take it to the extreme if you want her to stop doing these things.

Answer 11

to be honest there really isnt too much to do about her having sex i mean she started and she is going to continue whether u know it or not. the only thing you can really do i know this is going to hurt to do it. but you have to teach her safe sex. i know i am dreading talking to my daughter about it. but it is worse to think about her not having safe sex than having sex. or maybe there is hope just try other things look up some ideas online or maybe even show her teens who have gotten pregnant at a very young age hey you might be able to find quite a few on here there are alot of kids around 14 that are asking if we think they are pregnant on here. that might work. or even show her what diseases can do to her. show pics of it. those are really the only suggestions i can give you. i am sorry you have to go through this. good luck.