Am I the doormat here?

Question

My wife and I are going through a divorce. She is financially irresponsible and I have proof of adultery. I still live in the house with her during the split only to be close to my three kids. I am the sole breadwinner,she does not want to get a job yet. I have always provided for my family, my kids have never done without. Now, whenever the kids need something she spits out 'They need this or that and I'm taking them to get their back to school clothes and they want me to take them'. So while I'm at work all day, she's with the little ones all day at the movies, shopping, whatever..... Now I cut her off from the money when I found out about the affair, but do I force my little girls to go shopping with their Dad for their clothes. Do I play hardball and put my foot down and just tell her if you want to take the kids shopping then get a job. I resent every time I give her money to buy the kids something when I have to be at work. I feel that the kids are seeing 'Mom is fun all Dad wants to do is work.' Do I tell the kids that if mom wants to take you shopping then she needs to get a job.' Am I being immature or a jerk for not wanting to get stepped on or am I going about this the wrong way.

Answer 1

what would I do?? well, let's see. I would go to your children and tell them, "you know, it seems like all I ever do is work anymore. I want to take you to make sure you get the things you need for school." if your children are old enough to dress themselves, as I assume they are if they are in school, there is no need for you to be in the dressing room with them. send them in with decent clothes, or something you can agree on, have them put them on and decide which ones (this depends on age and responsibility level) or have them model the clothes for you. make a game out of it, and tell them you would really like to do this with them. chances are, you'll get a nod of approval for your participation. and, promise them after you are done that you will stop for ice cream or pizza, or something fun to do to bond with them.

if you don't want to do that, stop by the stores you would like to have your children shop at, and buy them some gift certificates, write their names on them, and tell them they get to spend it on the clothes they want. that way, you have a say in how much money is spent, and you don't have to give your wife access to your account.

if I had to render a guess, I would say your daughters will look forward to shopping with you if you make it fun for them. also, girls need daddies as much as boys, and sometimes more so. go, be with your kids, and be a jerk about it to your wife if you have to. you have just as much right being there as she does. moreso, if you ask me, for the simple fact that you're working so hard to foot the bill and make sure your kids have what they want and need.

Answer 2

First of all, you are the main breadwinner and have always provided school clothes for your kids, that is your obligation. How you do it is entirely up to you, either go with them or give the wife the money to buy the clothing. Secondly, don't even dare to involve your kids in the fight by telling them "If mom wants to take you shopping then she needs to get a job". Its not fair to them and they didn't ask her to be unfaithful or cause your divorce, so involving them in anyway will just kill your relationship with them. If you want to seem fun take them to a movie after work or on the weekend, where there is a will there is a way. Don't lower yourself to your wife's level and get down and dirty, its really not worth it to lose the respect of your children. Good Luck !

Answer 3

Speaking of being a doormat, I am also seperated only I do work and he was the one being unfaithful. We have four kids and now I have a new boyfriend that has moved in with me and my kids. My ex doesn't pay a dime in childsupport. Hasn't since we split up. I never pursued it because I wanted him to be able to help take care of the kids, shared parenting , a mutal agreement between both of us. Yet now he doesn't come see them except for maybe one day out of two week period and spends an hour at the most with them. When I asked about help with school clothes he said you have a man tell him to help you buy them. He is their father, I am their mother 3 of our kids are already in school and our 4 yr old is going to headstart this year. so as a mom , Yes I think you should take the kids shopping your self or if she wants to pick out their clothes , you should take her but you should be as involved as you can with your kids or they will resent you. My kids know that I am the one supporting them and trying to work extra hours time away from them so that they can do all the fun things that kids should be allowed to do. So think of the big picture right now mom is fun. but as they get older mom is gonna be a lazy no good woman who spounges off who ever she can. Good luck and pick out cute clothes that are stylish. What was the style for you is not exactly what they might like. You'll be the hero in the end

Answer 4

One thing you can do is start trying to do fun things with your kids - and your wife, for that matter. You don't have to have a miserable divorce. Don't expect your kids to want to do ordinary things with you like shopping for school clothes when that is something you haven't been doing before. Three kids are a lot of work but they are your kids and she is doing the work, even if you think her work is a lot more 'fun' than what you do to be the breadwinner.
You sound like you see the option of forcing the kids to do these everyday things with you, too, but I doubt that you were involved in those things before. You are not being immature; you sound like you are genuinely ignorant of what a mother does to keep children in line and clothed and fed and groomed and active. You only see the dollar amount it takes, not the effort and the time.
If you really want your kids to stop seeing you as the 'money guy', then stop acting and thinking like all you are is a 'money guy' and be the interested, involved dad they probably want you to be.
No one is stepping on you by expecting you to support your kids financially. It's up to you to stop demanding that they change their perceptions of you. That changes when you change your behavior. Try to appreciate what family life is.

Answer 5

Your trying harder than I would thats for sure okay so the girls need clothes buy a gift cerificate or give her a certain amount of cash get a receipt because you are providing this not her and who knows in the end what she'll say in court I have one thing to tell you keep a receipt for everything you give her you want to make sure the money is going to where it needs to in order to not be the doormat I dont see why you have top live with her sell the house buy two smaller ones like 2 townhouses or something where you will be close but not close enough to have to see her cheating face again make sure the other property you buy for her is under your name so she just cant have any guy move in with her that you dont aprove of and you could make sure she doesnt pull a second mortgage when she needs your money your goal should be to make sure the kids each have a place of their own in the future to help with school or whatever comes property is always a smart thing but she needs to get a job she cant live off of you forever unless you let her she needs to be able to provide for her kids if she cant problem solved you get custody she can live under a bridge for free got any near you?

Answer 6

you need to play hardball in order for her to understand that the gravy train is running forever. your wife will have to bring money into the home at some time soon so now is as good a time as any. I dont think you should be still sharing the house if you dont want to fix the marriage, it only confuses the situation and your children even more. there are laws making sure you are still able to see your children when you arent living in the same house. eventually you may have to come to some arrangement regarding child support anyway so why dont you just go ahead and sort this out now. if your wife is school shopping with your children how is she able to afford the fun stuff she is doing as well? if your children are young they will not understand that you are working to ensure they have enough right now. you will be seen as the person thats not fun and she may say bad things against you to them right now, but eventually they will work out who is responsible and why you have to do what you do anyway. you can tell your children that clothes shopping is a chore they have to do with dad but dont try to stop them from doing the "fun" things with their mother - she will have to find a way to pay for them or explain why she cant! i really think you are half way to where you want to be - keep strong!

Answer 7

You need to explain to her tha tshe needs to get a job because soon you wont be marrid and she will have to provide for her self! You should tell your kids that until there mother gets a job you will have to take them shopping! Or if you have any close women family members you could ask them to take the girls shoppping! I think you did the right thing by cutting your ex-wife off from the money and sooner or later you were going to have to put your foot down! So might as well put your foot down know and take a stand for your self! You are the man of the house anyway!

Answer 8

Go to an Attorney and they will help you out with this even before the court does. There is a list that determins the amount roughly that you should be paying so you might want to have a look at this instead of your wife demanding all your money. You sound like a great Dad so keep your chin up and try to just enjoy your kids when you see them. It seem like it goes on forever but believe me it does come to an end and eventualy everything will be resolved. Good luck

Answer 9

Don't use your kids to get back at your lazy, cheating, ungrateful wife. It probably feels like the kids don't get it that you are the breadwinner and mom is lazy but they will figure it out when they are older.

As long as she uses the money you give her for stuff for the kids, let it be. You will give your children a good example of what a responsible parent does for their children.

I think it's more that you are resentful of the time she gets to spend with the kids while you are working. That's natural and there may be things you can do to get more time with them.

Answer 10

Wow! First things first, You filed for divorce but still live together? Do you really want a divorce or is this marriage salvageable? She has to have your money? Could try, next time she wants for the kids to have her make a list and you get it or maybe arrange the time to go together? Limit what you tell your kids about your relationship with their mother....remember it's their mother and they love her. If the divorce is a sure thing, I strongly urge you to move out. Check with the court in your county for a mediation. Costs a few dollars but very well worth it. They can help you get visits and work out child support for your kids and temporary alimony for your wife while the divorce is pending and try to keep the namebashing and insults off the table.

Answer 11

As a husband and father it is your job to provide for your family. Regardless of how horrible your wife is, you have to take care of your children. With a divorce, an order of support will be filed. So if you're still living with her, you can do this:

Determine what her 'share' of the housing costs are, and deduct that from the amount of child support you are ordered. Then give her the child support money (get a receipt!). Dont give her any more money than that. Take the kids shopping yourself. And for God's sake, get your own place to live.