My husband and I are separated, he said he would move back if I lost 20 pounds.?

Question

He moved out three weeks ago. He is really depressed. He isn't seeing anyone else. He said today if I lost 20-25 pounds over the next two-three months then that would prove to him that I was serious about working on our marriage. Currently I'm 5'6'' and 157 pounds. What should I do? Divorce him? Or lose the weight? My weight has always been an issue I use to be 193 pounds.

Answer 1

I guess he must be perfect in every way,eh?......

Answer 2

He married you for you, not your looks. And if you have lost that much already, then you should not be required to lose more. That is shallow of him to ask you to do so. He isnt worth being with, I would divorce him. It doesn't prove that you will be willing to work on the marriage bc if you two are separated, there were more issues other than your weight. He doesn't deserve you. That is just rediculous. You are at a good weight and should not lose any more anyway. I would tell him flat out to go to hell.

Think about this as well. If you came up with a medical condition in which would not allow you to lose weight, but make you gain it instead, and you were with him, do you think he would leave you again? I mean c'mon some things you cannot do anything about and I do not believe that he would be there to support you if anything like that happened.

Answer 3

OK.
Here's the real issue.
Your weight is something that has long term effects on your health, whether you're with him or not. It's not a good thing to be that much over weight and it will hurt you later in life.
You already know this. Enough said.

Now, let's turn the table.
Suppose your husband woke up one morning and had a serious drinking or drug problem. You left him and told him that you would come back if he corrected the bad habit. You told him that the drinking would have a serious long term effect on his life.
What would he think? What would he do?
You married him for better or worse. OK, now it's worse. Does that give you reason to divorce him? Better or worse, remember?

I think your husband is a jerk, not because he gave you an ultimatum, but because he walked out without helping you resolve your issue. You're married. Partners.

Yes, you should loose the weight. It's the right thing to do. He should stop drinking for the same reason. See?

Tell him to get his butt home and stand beside you and offer support while you resolve the issue, or he can stay where he is at. For good.
Not because he is shallow for thinking about your weight, but because he has left his spouse alone to resolve a very important issue all by herself, when you need his help the most.
Do it for YOU.

Answer 4

I'm sure more problems exist between you two than any issues he has with your weight. That said, I think the first thing you need to do is ask yourself whether or not you love this person now, as he is right now. He has decided that an arbitrary number is more important than everything else about you, which I find entirely offensive. Changing your appearance won't prove that you're serious about working on your marriage any more than walkihg out of the house the way he did proves it. It will only prove that you'll meet any goal he sets in changing yourself to keep him.

Prove you're serious about improving yourself in a way that affects the marriage by getting yourelf in to a marriage counselor, even if it's on your own. Personally, I think this man would be great at raising bulimic or anorexic daughters.

Answer 5

F*ck him. He sounds like an A*shole. Here's what I would do. First congratulations on losing weight. Do you want to lose weight? If so then lose the 20-25lbs., and then tell him that you didn't do it for him you did it for yourself, and because you let 20-25 lbs dictate whether or not we stay married then I want to let you know right now that I want a divorce. When we got married it was for better or for worst, not how I maintain my weight. I'm just sorry I wasted so much time with you, and now I will have the time to love myself and have a good time. It was good knowing you buddy, but I need to find someone who will love me no matter what my size is. I hope you have a good time finding a size 1 wife, but you won't have me to kick around anymore. Find a way to get your self esteem back, because I'm sure your weight lose must have been a result of him being on your back about weight. Good Luck, and really examine if this is the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. What happens if you gain weight again? Drop the loser.

Answer 6

Do you realize that your weight is not the issue? It would be great if you could lose the weight and I would say go for it if that is what you want but don't do it thinking it will fix your marriage. It would just be a start.

Even though it sounds harsh for him to ask that of you, the bottom line is that it is important to alot of men. What was your weight when you met? If you were thin when you got married then gained the weight, it can be hard for a man to accept. I have joked with my husband and said, "you wouldn't love me if I got fat would you?". He says "yes, but I probably wouldn't be as attracted to you." Weight is important to him which is why he married someone thin. There is nothing wrong with that.

That being said....that will not make or break a marriage. Is he willing to go to counseling? Is he willing to do the work it takes to change the relationship? Is he willing to look at his faults and work on them? If not then forget it! Good luck!

Answer 7

When you guys were dating were you thinner? If so and now you have changed then he maybe feeling like you've short-changed him. Like if he said before marraige that he had a strong work-ethic and then all of a sudden he doesn't hold down a job and couldn't care less about employment, you'd feel like "what in the world happened to your work ethic".

Maybe he is concerned about you living a long time and being healthy.

It's completely lame that he would move out though. There are much better ways to get your attention on the matter.

Figure out something you want him to do for you like plan a vacation somewhere this Fall and say, "I'll lose the weight for you and you need to plan this trip for me" You'll have a great body to show off for the vacation. You could look at it as a complete choir and what a jerk he is, or you could see that you can get something out of this that would be a positive.

If he still finds things to complain about afterwards, dump him.

Answer 8

If you lose the weight, lose it for your self not for him. Losing that much weight in so little time is not healthy. A pound a week is a healthy way to go. Your health does not seem to be high on his "list"(and trust me there is a list)of concerns. He obviously has issues other than your weight. There should be no conditions placed on a loving relationship. What will be his next condition, "I will come home if you change your hair color, or if you have liposuction or breast enhancement or reduction surgery". I am sure you love him and want to save you marriage, but you can't do it alone, it does not all fall on you. Marriage is a partnership and it is not 50-50, 25-75,1-99; You BOTH have to give 100%. You have my best wishes.

Answer 9

If this was tied in with both of you to lose weight and to use that as a conduet to create change to spark up the marriage then I would say work on it. He sounds like a pig just to make that demand and gives a hint that his motivations may be more physically driven which isn't a way to carry a marriage. If he doesn't have a good excuse why he wants you to lose weight I say divorce him.....and no, "so you would look better/I would feel more attracted to you" isn't good reason.

Answer 10

He is really shallow to demand you lose weight to be with him. He is breaking his marriage vows. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. Why do you have to prove you are serious about working on the marriage. He is the one who moved out.

What are his physical short comings? I'm sure he has a lot of them. Like going bald maybe, or belly over his belt, or false teeth or crooked ones or missing ones? How's his nose? Too big, or too narrow or turned up to far? Is he short or too tall?

I would tell him that he needs to prove he is serious about working on the marriage, by not bringing up your weight issues any longer. That is the biggest crock I have heard lately. He should love you no matter what weight you are, and should encourage you to keep losing weight for your own health's sake, but not make that a condition on the marriage. You will never resemble the young skinny gals he fantasizes about any way, no more than he will turn into prince charming.

I would also tell him, he needs to seek counseling for his depression problem and marriage counseling for his abandonment issues. He needs to work on his own problems and leave yours to you. What a toad.

Answer 11

OMG! That is so ridiculous. So you are just a few pounds over weight. Big deal! You have lost 36 lbs so far...Is that not enough proof that you are at least concerned about your weight? Why doesn't he want to move back into the house and start working on your marriage? Why lose weight to prove anything to him? What a jerk!