the darkness inside me flows free
thought my pours
thought my mouth
thought my eyes
what am i
the anti-Christ
spawn of Satan
the feeling make
me wonder can i be saved
i know god exists
because i exist
my father exists
but am i doomed
or can i be saved
from eternal damnation
2007-08-04 03:11:20 · 7 answers · asked by bik_ko 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
NO ...I DONT THINK SO
2007-08-04 03:14:08 · answer #1 · answered by JENNIFER W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The poem's okay, but you really need to do some editing:
"through", not "thought"
"pores", not "pours"
"I", not "i"
"makes", not "make"
"me wonder if I can be saved" or
"me wonder, "can I be saved""
Drop the "but" and just say "am I doomed?"
It's dark, but not deep, but you need to be careful because it is mighty close to be prose in disguise. Remember, short line breaks do not a poem make. The fact that you could have run all of your lines together and formed a paragraph indicate that this could easily be mistaken for prose:
"The darkness inside me flows free; through my pores, my mouth, my eyes. What am I, the anit-Christ? Spawn of Satan? The feeling makes me wonder "can I be saved"? I know God exists because I exist, my father exists. But am I doomed, or can I be saved from eternal damnation?"
Looks like prose to me...
Keep writing
2007-08-06 17:27:27 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It invokes feeling certainly yet additionally provides a view of hopelessness, victimization, and melancholy that are self serving and instruct actually no experience of self-satisfaction. The rhyming is sophomoric yet at a par with maximum "poets" immediately. human beings might desire to take duty for recuperating their very own lives and their plenty in existence. If one builds up his wellness, coaching and his fortune by utilising problematical artwork and dedication to stable issues then Park Hill will grow to be in basic terms a memory. yet whilst they stay their lives blaming others for his or her misery and doing all the failings that wreck character, morality, and distinctive characteristic they themselves grow to be the eyesore, the scar, and the monument to melancholy.
2016-10-09 04:59:26 · answer #3 · answered by fauntleroy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I'm a self-published poet. My book is entitled 'Reality Check'. The poem is great, but next time check for type-o's.
Take Care and Keep Writing.
2007-08-04 12:08:10 · answer #4 · answered by LilyGem 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I only like it because it's dark.
2007-08-04 03:14:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Eeh...it's okay. It sounds a little amateur. Keep working on it!
2007-08-04 03:14:22 · answer #6 · answered by DeltaKilo3 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i really honestly like it
2007-08-04 03:14:11 · answer #7 · answered by tie-tie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋