If she says 'its my decision and thats all matters', is my marriage over? I thought relationships were equal!

Question

She wants to stay 'friends' with me - after four years of marriage where she has emotionally, and now violence - throwing handbag into my face - is okay 'because i am a man and can take it.' Time to cut and run ? She keeps saying how strong she is, she ain't gonna be teh weak one - sometime you have to compromise in relationships don't ya?

She has been loving - but I do not measure up to her ideal of a husband. I agree she likes chaos. I like peace and quiet. I am not soft just because I don't pick fights with her - at the same time I don't want her to feel she can put me down and get away with it. I am looking up hotels in the hope I can get some sleep tonight, which I have'nt had for ages. I just was'nt up for sex last night, our sex life has never been that great and i hope she finds teh real man she wants. I hope I can find a decent more compassionate girl, a lot later when I feel I have recovered.

I have supported her decision to quit her job and return to her home country for afew months - while I take care of the mortgage and other stuff - I could'nt stop her anyway because she made the decision to do this - she asked me if I could manage, it will be tough buti'll have too! But I think she is fighting with me because she is not happy with herself - but threatening to sleep with other men, well I guess I would be angry about that, yet powerless to do anything!

Answer 1

Yes, relationships should be equal and without compromise, they won't work. The sad part is, though if one person is not willing to compromise, there is not much you can do. I am a little confused. Are you saying she has been emotionally abusive and now is becoming so physically? If so, that definitely needs to be worked on, but it doesn't sound like she is interested in doing that.

I would say try talking to her rationally and calmly. Try to get at the root of this problem and why she is saying she doesn't want to be the "weak" one. Offer to go for marriage counseling. If she still wants to leave, let her.

It will be hard, but try to keep all the ugly hurt feelings at bay and don't lash out with ugly words. There would have to be some sort of settlement or separation agreement involved. That means there will be contact between the two of you. She may see in the long haul, the grass wasn't greener on the other side. And if not, there is nothing you can do but move on even though it hurts.

The sad thing is that yes, it takes two to decide to embark on a relationship, but if one wants out badly enough there is not much the other person can do.

Oh, and btw, it is not all right for a woman to assault a man any more than the other way around. Your wife's comments about a man being able to take it and that she is strong and won't be the weak one suggests a problem within her that has nothing to do with you. Is there some reason for her to feel insecure or inadequate?

I really think your best bet is to seek some counseling. A third party can be neutral and help you both see some things since there seems to be no clear cut problem here such as adultery, etc.

That's my best advice-talk to her, try to get her to go with you to some counseling. If she gets hysterical or something, then you walk away until she cools off.

Being "just friends" with your husband right after a break-up is a silly concept. Being amicable as possible and reasonable is more like it. Friends could come later, but I wouldn't even worry about that right now. Just take care of yourself, try talking to her and go from there.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

Do you love her?
Can you imagine being without her each and every morning?
I live with someone very selfish and has got aggressive in the past although never hit me directly and it turn out to be his own insecurities and the closer they got to me the more difficult he found it to express his fear of us splitting up which would then feed into the insecurity of being left, normally coming from the past, I'm not saying that this is the case for you but give some thought into why she behaves like that there are always underlined issues that are never right in front of you. but the questions is communication if you don't talk and be honest with each other how can things go any further. So if she doesn't know how you feel about her going away and leaving you with the responsibilities and how hard it is on you with her behaviour how can things change???
Why is she running away?

In my experience of Mental Health and the mind when someone says they are strong, ask yourself who are they trying to prove that to... themselves mostly to fight there own emotions of being hurt.
As for the compromising in a marriage I agree it is a bit of give and take but that's difficult when you feel the person in front of you will leave no matter what you do, nowadays most people find it easier to run and hide than deal with emotions

So I ask again can you see yourself without her smile or her sleeping face each and every day?
Do you love her as if you walk away to soon there may be no going back, so what is the relationship worth to you?

Answer 3

if she's throwing stuff at you, it would only get worse. you're probably a nice guy and women like men who are violent can't be with nice people they need constant chaos. that's the only thing that feels right to them not a regular life. just say you're right the marriage is over. she'll come back but do you want her back. in this day and age is it appropriate for women to be violent and it's acceptable because a man can take a lot more. i don't think so. move on.

Answer 4

It doesnt sound very 'friendly' to me. Sometimes in a marriage sombebody has to take the lead and make a break. It looks like its her. We dont know the details of your relationship so its impossible to take sides and give you advice. Suffice to say, if there is a possibility this marriage can be mended and you want it to then do something about it. If not, then walk.

Answer 5

Sorry about your problems but I'm not gonna make this a long answer.

Your marriage, sadly, is over. Your wife wants out. If she throws bags etc, in your face, this could mean she's also violent. Better you find yourself and nice warm, caring woman and divorce this one.

Tell her it might be better to sell the house, split the money and go your separate ways.

Answer 6

Pack your bags and get out of there! Men do suffer from Domestic Abuse! If she reckons she's a strong woman, let her get on with paying all the bills! You won't be thought of as weak by getting out. It takes a lot of mental and emotional strength to admit there's problems and for help!

Answer 7

If she feeds on chaos and creates problems just for the sake of having a problem, she sounds psychotic and you should get as far away from her as fast as you can. Yes, she'll blame you for everything from Cain clobbering Abel to Katrina because, God forbid she should accept any responsibility for her own problems. You've had a heaping helping of grief, my friend. Time to excuse yourself from the table and tell her you're full.

Answer 8

Is she leaving you? She says she wants to "stay friends, but that its your decision". Sounds like manipulaton and a psychological game she's playing with you. Sounds like if she really did want to leave you and she has already said let's "stay friends" then it should be over, but instead she is asking you to make the decision. I believe it is because she cannot and does not want you to end the relationship.
Is the relatioship savable? If so, try to work it out. Is the love stronger than the problems your having, then its savable.

Answer 9

First things first.........if you are a victim of domestic abuse (emotional, physical or psychological)...you need to seek proper help to deal with that..Men are just as likely to be victims of abuse as women, it's just not talked about as publicly...but it's just as soul-destroying for men as it is for women...Search on the net for a mens' support group in your area..there are plenty and they are helpful and discreet...Trying to work your head around the future of your marriage while in the middle of a chaotic and stressful situation is impossible..I've been there, done that and have the t-shirt as they say...Please, please walk away from any argument that is likely to lead to abuse, for your own sanity...go for a walk, go into another room, anything to avoid the situation...As to your intimate relations in the marriage...unlikley you'll feel like physical intimacy with someone who is degrading and abusing you, so don't beat yourself up too much on that front...

Answer 10

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