Is it just me, or does this poem I wrote sound VERY uneven? It seems to speed up so much!?

Question

The clock stops ticking. I
Stand her listening
to what?...nothing.
My black suit covers my
Exhausted body. The
Color describing
The event
Before my return. I
Cannot hear you, though I
Can feel your presence,
Though I know your
Existence is well beyond
My reach. Where have you gone?
Answer me...aren't you
Thankful that I've
Witnessed your departure-that
I cared for where you
Disappeared into
Mid-light? Did you
See me? Erect upon the
Grass, not lying adjacent
To you? Did your wish
For my warmth to
Bring life to your flesh? The life
I would have given you,
Was what you desired
Of me? How can
The darkness commingle with
The light? I do not, and
Will never exist
As you did. My
Jar of life is filled with filth
From my garden. The
Clock stopped ticking this
Very hour. Make
It tick once more. I wanted
You, I needed you. Your
Light is gone. The clock
Stops ticking. I
Stand her. I listen.

Answer 1

Yeah it does a bit. The way to slow the poem down is by lengthening your lines. Short lines: fast, Long lines: slow.

Try altering your lines a bit, and see if that doesn't clear it up.

Answer 2

Anthony...isn't this the poem you posted just the other day? In any event, you've misspelled "here" several times in this version (stand "here", not stand "her"). Also, what happened to your line breaks? Please put the "I" back where they belong...don't force a sentence break where it doesn't belong. Do you speak that way? Of course not. Let your line breaks be a cue to your reader on how to "read" your poem. It should go,

"The event Before my return.
I Cannot hear you,
though I Can feel your presence,
Though I know you're Existence
is well beyond My reach.
Where have you gone..."

...and while we're on the subject, look how many times in a row you said "though I". Try replacing the second "though I" with "and" so it reads:

though I Can feel your presence,
and know you're Existence
is well beyond my reach

The rest of the line breaks are also hodge-podge, but it would take too much space here to correct them all. Just go back and make the breaks match your normal speech...that's what line breaks are for.

As before...you're still "erect" on the grass instead of just "standing" and you still believe you have never "existed" when you really mean you never "lived" like they did. However, I do not some positive changes, so you "are" improving...just don't stop...
keep writing

Answer 3

AC!

This is frikken brilliant...

You can slow it down by taking half of the returns out. But I like the high speed turns.

Answer 4

l think it's good just the way it is. it speaks of the time we've lost, the moments of lust gone forever.