Good Morning! poem?

Question

Siena

Those golden days of sorrow-filled adoration
Along the canals and in the forests
Vastly lost on God’s estate,

Waiting for you in an ancient cafe
A half glass of aged Madeira
The old fear that you may no show

But then, around the bend
Into refracted cathedral light
You carried grief to me.

Your face, a too-often read story
Of how things wouldn’t be
And I half listened, studying your radiance

Cheviche and uneaten truffles watched
As I argued for us-- and you said no,
Then disappeared into cobblestone shadows

I learned gilded lessons of love and isolation
And left us in the past for thinner-rooted places,
Thin promises of new days.

Love and mourning twist in the traditional way,
Pulling me back to a café on the river
To see you again in Siena.

Answer 1

ObscureB,

You have some beautiful imagery here--just wonderful phrasing. Sorrow-filled adoration, though a mouthful, feels very lush here. This poem has such specific interesting details:

A half glass of aged Madeira

Into refracted cathedral light

Your face, a too-often read story

Cheviche and uneaten truffles watched

gilded lessons of love and isolation

I might as well just copy the whole poem. The ideas transitioned from one another so well here. Satisfying and brilliant work.

This poem made it a very good morning. Thank you for sharing this.

Answer 2

The poem is a good one, but it could use a little editing.
"Vastly lost..." Not sure "vastly" is the right word here. Maybe "Vast, but lost" or "totally lost", or "quite literally lost"...but "vast" is just not the right word as used here.

"half-glass", not "half glass"

"the old fear...may not show"...not "no show"

"refracted cathedral light" seems off...try hypenating it as "cathedral-light"

try "and I, half listening, studied your radiance"...the pause after I creates a focus you'll lose by letting it run directly into "half listened", but it also causes the word "listened" to shift to "listening" and "studying" to studied".

"...and you said no"...try it like this: "...and you said, "no"

and you might try to invert the phrase "cobblestone shadows" so it reads "shadowed cobblestones" since the shadows were not produced by the cobblestones.

"...past for thinner-rooted places"...thinner rooted? try, "shallow-rooted" places instead...that way the word thin is not repeated in "thin promises", which does work well.

I think with some of the editing suggested above, or editing along these lines, your poem will be quite lovely.

keep writing

Answer 3

I lost. Hahahaha. Wow, your good! How long have you been writing? Star!

Answer 4

Heavy! You're Good.