How do I develop trust with my wife after CYBER cheating, and almost physical event took place?

Question

This has been a year straight from hell!
as many of you know my wife of 16 years, started to contact her 1st love when I asked about it she informed me it was just nostalgia ( she's 7 years older), but it wasn't it almost went into physical side at her HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, hell he even had the balls to come to my home but I kicked his @$$ and sent him on his way!

We separated for a few months but after allot of therapy we got back together on my part mostly for the kids we have 5 all adopted, and 3 nieces and nephew teens that we got guardianship of thats a total of 8 already!

Well I came home last month and everything seems fine in fact it's been great , the wife has been really happy I'm home and have been making amends, the kids all seem happy and glad I'm home but theirs something missing and today I found out what it is TRUST!

My wife asked if she could go with a few friends all who knew about the affair, and I almost freaked because I realize the trust is gone what can I do?

I told my wife her friends were not welcome in our home ever because of their participation in her lying today!
She started to protest but I jumped on it and told her if she went don't come back ever!
Not my best moment but I realized that the trust is gone and I don't feel right about it any ideas on what to do?

Now I'm angry again about an issue that was expose to be salved already, and thing is It's not fair to her, because know one should have to justify themselves every time they need a break!
It's not fair to me because if I have to worry about if I can trust my wife then where the hell did our marriage go?

WHY can't I trust her again, because now I feel like a jerk but also feel like part of the reason my trust levels are down are do to the friends she keeps what can I do?

I would love to hear any suggestions that can help me, thanks in advance.

Answer 1

After trust has been broken, there are only two factors that can help regain it, time and consistency. You have to actually give her the chance to show you that she can gain your trust and she needs to understand that she cannot gain your trust overnight, time will have to pass. As far as her friends, you must remember, they were put in an awkward situation. They are her friends, not yours, so try to see things from there point of view. Cutting her off from her friends is controlling her, and that goes back to the problem of you not allowing her to regain that trust. Those friends might have even wanted to tell you or stop her, but would that not mean betraying her. You two have put them in a situation to lose her friendship no matter what they did and it is not fair. No one said this would be easy, and there are no guarantees, but to really heal from this, you are going to have to not want to control her surrounding and allow yourself to heal and her to prove her love. Explain to her that there are times you will still be angry and hurt, until trust can be regained. If anyone ever told you that the trust would come right back, they lied.
I commend you two for trying to work things out and keep with the therapy, maybe not just together but alone as well. Keep working on it and know that it can get better. You can never have the marriage you once had, that has been taken away. However, you can build an even better one, just keep the faith.

Answer 2

First and fore most it takes a lot of courage and Patience to start all over again, I understand about family.
I am going through the same trust issues with my husband as you are your wife.
what you are feeling is normal, I do the same thing. It sounds crude to other people but it is just.... Trust is something that she is going to have to earn back, If your wife wants you in the relationship she is going to have to earn that trust back and it is not going to be easy, and it won't happen over night. sixteen years is a long time to dedicate your self to one person. Marriage is about trust and communication. If you do not have trust you do not have a marriage.
It is going to be a long road my friend, and it all depends on love how much you two love each other and how much you are willing to endure, yes there will be heart ache, but you and your wife will have to re-bond. you will first have to forgive.

Answer 3

You are not a jerk for being suspicious. You have been cheated on and you don't want it to happen again. Trust has to be earned. I would be checking everything she does. Phone records, emails, chat rooms, bank accounts, everything. Don't sit there with your eyes shut and have it happen again. You need to know what is going on and she needs to be accountable for anything she does out side of your sight. It's the price she has to pay for cheating.

You have to accept the reality that she isn't who you thought she was, she has proven that already. Your whole world has changed and not for the better. Now you have to try and figure out who she really is. Not an easy task with a cheater. She made you insecure and she will have to do her best to make you secure again, if it will ever happen. It may not, if she continues behavior that makes you suspicious.

Answer 4

It's hard to regain trust once it's been shot down. Some people never do get over it and their relationship is damaged forever. You can't expect your wife to give up all of her friends over something SHE did. Her friends weren't responsible for HER behavior, she was. You still have alot of anger, so I do think that you should return to therapy and see if that will help. If not, you might need to make some decisions about the rest of your life. But, try the therapy.

Answer 5

there is no remedy for lost trust as good a man as you are you cant really expect to think that you can believe your wife after she blatantly took your trust and broke it . that trust will take a long time to rebuild ,and that also goes for her girlfriends as well.
Its all about how you see and deal with the future with your woman can you say yes dear go out have a good time and even if you are upset be happy in the knowledge that she now see,s what she has to lose.
In my eyes the only answer is tell her that you don't trust her yet and that she has to reassure you that she is doing right by you .Because it was not you that strayed and its not you that is untrustworthy .... But it is you that has to see her efforts to make up for her mistake.

Answer 6

You did the right thing, sending him on his way. He obviously does not have any respect for you. Neither does your wife. Sorry to say. I think she needs more therapy than you do. There are the kids to think about, not just herself. You need to let her know that you don't trust her or her friends anymore. She has to earn that back by proving her worth as a mature adult, as a wife and as a mom to the kids. Good luck!

Answer 7

This is the first I have read about this situation...
If she is older than u.. then,, It sounds like she is playing u,

and u have the right to feel the way u do...

all these kids.. ?why did the 2 of u adopt so many?
sounds like she gets tired of kids.. and wants to spend time away from home.. with the wrong crowd..

need more therapy.. much more..
this is gonna go down hill if u don't...

u said you got back together mainly bcuz of u , in the first place... ?? doesn't sound good...,
are u the babysitter?
I don't want to put more doubt in your head.. but something doesn't add up here?????

Answer 8

Well first of all, blaming the friends is wrong, your wife is a grown woman, her friends did what friends will do, support any decision even if they think its a bad one.. but they didnt hold a gun to her head, ur wife is the one that made the vow to u, not them..

Next why should u give her trust.. u already did that and she threw that out the window, its her turn to earn that trust back.. but u need to allow her the space to do it.. or she'll never be able to prove to u that she can be trusted.. so u should back off alittle bit.. i know what it feels like to be cheated on, and i unfortunately know what it feels like to be the cheater (when i was young on a bf not my husband) so i know how it can feel wanting to smother someone to ensure ur heart doesnt break, and well it usually doesnt work cause they end up needing to break free, so u end up pushing them away, and like i said i know from expirence on both ends, that bf i cheated on, he forgave me to, but then i couldnt do anything with out him snooping through my stuff or always accusing me anytime i did anything, and i wasnt doing anything wrong i had learned from my mistake but i couldnt get it through to him, and he became extremely possesive.. and well that ended up breaking up our relationship cause after awhile i couldnt handle being punished for the same mistake over and over again..

So dont be blind by any means, but dont hold on to her so tight that she feels the need to escape.. she has to earn the trust, but u have to give her the room to do it..

Good luck..

Answer 9

Maybe if you could get her to voice why she felt drawn to the former guy in the first place. My spouse didn't trust me to be on MySpace even though I showed him my ALL WOMAN friends list. It eventually pissed me off so much, that I said what the hell, and started adding men

Answer 10

Go to marriage counseling. It can really help you two talk to each other and develop trust again. If your wife won't go, go without her. I speak from experience.