How long would you stay upset/mad?

Question

Last night my husband went out after work with coworkers and came home intoxicated (to the point he got sick). This was a problem a few years ago but hasn't been in the last year or so. He knows it was wrong (he drove himself home) and feels bad but thinks I should just get over it. He has promised that it wouldn't happen again (but I've heard that before). He thinks I'm staying mad at him as a way to punish him, I'm just upset that he wouldn't make better choices (we have 3 kids he needs to think about also). He says it happened because he was stressed out over work, but he's always stressed out about something. Am I wrong to stay mad/upset? What would you do in a similar situation?

Answer 1

I have been there, done that. You should tell him that you are not mad per say, but you are very worried about where this one evening is going to lead. He could have killed himself and now you are going to be on pins and needles every time he is running late, because of what he did.
Maybe he should check out some counseling or some anti-anxiety pills, they really helped my hubby, everything stressed him out and he drank alot, now he drinks may 2 or 3 times in a year's time!
Tell him that you and the kids love him and NEED him......... and tell him to think about where you would be without him.....

Answer 2

If this was a constant habit id say be upset and worried.. , he's ur husband not ur puppet, and sometimes we all need something to ease the stress of "life", sure be upset that he drank till he was so drunk that he got sick, but stop holding it over his head.. i mean when u go out and shop and maybe u spend alittle more money then u should of , does he go balistic on you, does he hold it over ur head forever? Is it really that he got intoxicated and that he drove .. or do u think u would of felt the same way even if a friend drove him home , Honestly? , i think maybe it may be a combination of drinking and driving, and the fact that u stayed home while he went and had fun. I mean u already admitted that its been over a year since he's done something like this.. so its not like he's constantly drinking .. he did use bad judgement in drinking and driving and risking his life as well as others on the road, but fortunately for him he made it home safely.. maybe u should dwell more in the thankfulness of that, cause im sure if god forbid something bad would of happened, u'd be thinking of everything but holding a grudge against him .. he's human, he made a mistake, and its time to start compromising instead of holding things over him. Dont push him away. He still needs some atonomy even if u and him are married. Sometimes u just need that little extra space to unwind and relax and sometimes the stresses are so bad that all u want to do is forget, even if for a moment.. and really if he's that stress out, are u actually helping him right now with that stress or just adding to it? Whats done is done... its a new day.. talk to ur husband, compromise.. realize what ur real problem is.. instead of masking it behind half truths..

Answer 3

I would forgive and move on but make it clear that it cannot happen again. I would say that the next time he comes home like that you and the kids will leave until he has been sober for a year or whatever.

Don't hold it over his head that will just add more stress to his life. Tell him if he's that stressed you will let it go but he needs to get some help so that he learns to make better choices and deal with his stress in a more positive way. Ultimately though if this is how he wants to live his life there's not much you can do to stop him.

Answer 4

When is the last time he went to an AA meeting?

I would forget getting mad at him and sentence him to at least 2 weeks of AA meetings (after the current work situation is resolved). Don’t withhold sex from him, don’t be mad at him and don’t punish yourself. Let AA do the job for you and take the stress out of the problem. He doesn’t need any more stress now and you don’t need to make yourself miserable over his failure.

If anyone has a good reason not to drink it is the folks at Alcoholics Anonymous. He has heard what you have to say, and you don't need to waste your time or get yourself angry trying to bang it into him again; let the pros do it; if you have to drag him to his first meeting in person.

Then feel sorry for him about his stressful situation at work, and ask if you can help. If nothing else he can talk to you about it and that may make him feel better. Don’t let this problem interfere with your life any more then it has. He did the deed and he knows it was wrong. He needs to pay the time and do the punishment, but you don’t have to be the one who gives it to him. That is only going to make him mad at you and you made at him.

Why let this mistake ruin your relationship or the time you both have with your kids. If he has to go to a dozen AA meetings then that is going to be serious enough to give him the idea and you won't have to obsess over it. Give him some time, like a month or two before he does it so he can get over the problems at work, but make it clear that if he doesn't do it then you won't stand for it. Don't make threats, make promises. I hope you don't have to promise to leave him if he starts behaving like that again, but you should consider it. Threats can be ignored or bluffed through, but a promise can't be avoided and you can't call someone's bluff on a promise. I tell people, "Watch it, I don't make threats, I make promises." Usually, they get the hint that I am mad and don't make me take action, but if they do I won't hesitate.

Answer 5

You have a right to be upset because he put his own life, and the lives of others, in danger by driving drunk. He also broke the law. But there is nothing that you can do now, after the fact, so why aggravate him more by nagging him about this. That'll just stress him out more, and cause him to do something stupid. Why not help him find other ways to relieve stress, like exercise or sex.

Answer 6

Had a similar situation happen with my ex. He went out with his guy friends (NO big deal), got really drunk (again, NO big deal) and stayed out (STILL, NO big deal), then drove himself home (NOW it's a BIG DEAL). His excuse? He didn't want his pals thinking he was *****whipped because I'd asked him to either call me or take a cab if he got really drunk, and he didn't. I agree with you, he should think about being SAFE too. Drinking...I mean casual drinking...with friends really ISN'T the issue...stress isn't the issue...making common sense, safe choices IS the issue...he's just trying to blow a smokescreen because he really knows he made a really dumb choice that could've had truly dire consequences. (I stayed mad for about 3 or 4 days and then he realized my reasoning was out of fear of his losing his life).

Answer 7

Maybe he should visit a MADD meeting and see what drinking and driving has done to families just like yourselves.

He may also need to talk to someone about alcoholism. Stress is not a reason to drink to that extent, just an excuse.

Answer 8

The last time it happened with me I locked my husband out of the house. He slept in the car & broke in the next morning when he was coherent enough to figure out how to get in. If he does it again he's out for good. He knows that now it's his turn to make the choice. Family or alcohol.

Answer 9

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Check www.al-anon.alateen for times and locations. If your husband has a problem controlling his drinking (or even if he has the type of personality that might lead to problem drinking) the wonderful folks at Al-Anon can tell you everything you need to know, and will be glad to give you some help and support.

Answer 10

Of course you should be upset,he could have hurt someone, or himself driving home. I"d start cutting out newspaper articles on drunk drivers, the damage they have caused, the jail time or fines they have paid, and let him know,you are not just upset, but afraid,that this could have ruined your family