What to do if your husband will not help discipline your teenage step children?

Question

I've tried everything, and I am at my witts end. After the last blow up I have just settled for the silent treatment. My heart is heavy and I don't want to fight or get a divorce.

Answer 1

I feel your pain. My husband's son moved in with us when he was 12. We got custody because his bio mom put NO restrictions or consequences on his behavior. He was driving, unsupervised, at age 11 because his mom thought it made him like her more.
Once he moved in with us, it became apparent it was going to be as hard on us as it was him. He was used to doing whatever, whenever, wherever, he wanted. I'm old school, and I expected him to follow our rules (like keepinig his grades up, room somewhat clean, etc.). The problem was that his dad wouldn't enforce it. I was the bad guy, he was the good guy.
By the time this kid was 15, he was out of control. As his stepmom, I had no say. We went to counseling and my husband was told to be a father, not a friend. I was told to stay out of disciplinary actions.
This problem did not go away. My husband did not get it. The kid got his way and continued to go downhill, behaviorally. It was so bad that I was ready to leave, at least until he was 18 and would move back with his mom.
It was hell. The kid is 18, living with his mom, not accepting responsibility for anything, and just a rude, disrespectful kid in general.
The reason I'm giving you so much background is to try to make you understand that there's not much you can do. I would recommend counseling and staying out of things as much as possible. The one thing the counselor told me that helped was, if my stepson crossed a line that I considered worthy of butting in, I should butt in. Whenever he showed disrespect to me, my husband or anyone else, I let him know it. He did treat me with respect but I can't say he's very respectful to most others.
I wish you the best of luck. You are in a difficult situation and unless you've been down this road, it is confusing. Good luck. Hang in there. My stepson graduated in June and has moved out. We are working so very hard to get things in our marriage back on track and I'm happier than I've been in 7 years!

Answer 2

Sit him down and have a very brutal honest talk. Tell him all the things you have done for him and really show him in a non threatening way what he needs to do in order to pick up his game so to say. He needs motivation and support. If he does good things then praise that. If he tries to get out of something then give sort of like a small punishment or some sort. Basically you should start getting alot more hard on him. Make him a list of things to do which you think is only reasonable and ensure he does it. Build up from that. Tell him if he can keep his room clean for a week you will give him something. If he starts being negative don't let him use any luxuries like xbox or pc time. Basically you have to teach him that every action he does will have a reaction and the sooner he learns that the better. You can ofcourse just stick it out till he is 18 and be rid of him but from what I could gather you care deep down. So do what is right and bit by bit help him realise his wrong ways.

Answer 3

Wow, it seems like you're in a tough position. My neighbor went through the same thing and ended up getting a divorce. I think it all matters on how you phrase it. She literally told him "I don't like the way you raise your children and you should do something about it." Maybe that was a little too harsh, but her husband was also a little dramatic. They ended up getting a divorce. If your husband is very understanding, you should kindly tell him that you're concerned. Don't make it seem like you want to change the way he raises them. Just bring up the fact that you are now involved in their lives and want to do the best you can to make sure the children are brought up in a manner where they respect their family and others around them. I'm really not sure how he will react, but I really hope all goes well.

Answer 4

You are the step parent. You have no control over things that don't effect you directly, so stop trying. Here's an example: Let's say that your step child comes home with a bad report card. In truth, you can't say anything... its up to the parents to raise their kids. You let them have a talk, with you in another room... and then you come out and be the hero. Another example... you catch your step daughter sneaking in at 1am, hours after curfew. You tell her that maybe its not such a good idea that she do that as there are about a million cases where kids are hurt or killed. Then you tell your husband in the morning and you let him decide what to do. THEY AREN'T YOUR KIDS........ don't try and be a parent, you aren't one.

Now........ let's say that they break your family vase. Yeah... you jump 'em for that... make them pay you back.

Answer 5

Plain and simple! You need to lay down the rule! If your step child won't obey them, then take away their privileges and enforce a punishment upon them. When they learn to obey the rules, then give them some freedom. Just remember that you are the parent figure and you are in charge. If your husband won't help then put all of the responsibility on him! He will eventually see that he needs to step up and straighten the child out! Hang in there sister!

Answer 6

Let them mess up. Let them do all the annoying things and have them break the rules. Do nothing about it. Don't talk to them, don't scold them. Let them ruin everything. In fact, leave for a week. Just leave a note on your bed saying that you will be back in a week. He will most likely beg you to do something and help him. When he does, tell them that you are done disciplining them and that he is their father and he must do something about them himself. When he steps up and does the discipline, you will come back

Answer 7

Marriage counseling or parenting classes sounds like they may be in order here. Especially since these are his children, in all technicality, you should not be alone in the discipline department.

Answer 8

Whose children are they? If they are yours and not his, he should stay out of it as he has not place telling them what to do. If they are his and not yours, you should stay out of it and let him do his thing.

Answer 9

Now remind me....WHY did you marry him when this was NO DOUBT a problem BEFORE you married him?????

Answer 10

LEAVE!