What should I do?

Question

My husband and I have been married 11 years. We love each other, that's not in doubt, but we just can't seem to get along anymore. We have devoted so much or time to our children and their sports that we don't have any kind of relationship, not even an intimate one. I've always been the one to initiate sex but after consistantely being turned down ... I don't ask anymore and he will NOT make the first move.....it's been 6 months now. I've bought stock in batteries but it's not doing it for me anymore. He refuses to see a marriage counselor and I can't seem to make him understand we, our marriage, needs help.

thank you all so much for your answers .. just to give you a little more details ~ Our children are 20, 16 and 13 so there is no need for a babysitter. I truly believe he's bipolar because his mood swings from great to all hell broke loose in less than 60 seconds if things arent' going HIS way. He's NOT abusive but the anger can be quite intimidating. Over the past few years I've "ignored" the issues/problems but it's beginning to effect the children and their relationship with him. I'm afraid that when they are all grown up and leave the nest they won't want to come back and visit because HE is here.

Answer 1

Wow.......... that's quite a story. Somewhere along the way you two forget what it was like to be a couple in love and became a family in love. Which is cool.... but you have to find some balance in your life. I am curious about the.... um.... lack of snap in his turtle, if you know what I mean. I can be mad as hell, but when my girlfriend wants to seduce me at least the lower part of me always responds.

I would suggest that you find out if your husband is still committed to the marriage. Or if he is just playing it out till the kids are grown. He might have a medical problem that's keeping him from feeling sexual.... but barring that... I would suggest that you need some alone adult time. Set it up so maybe your parents can watch your kids and take some time off to be a married couple as opposed to just being parents. Its great to be a parent... but again... you have to find balance.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

If I were you, I would try counseling on my own first since your husband is unwilling to go. A counselor can still help you figure out what is going on and what is best for you.

I think one main problem is that you and your husband don't have any kind of a relationship. You're constantly spending time with your children, but have neglected each other. Have you tried to find a babysitter so you two can spend some time alone? Maybe you can try to have some alone time to do something fun and actually date each other again.

If your husband isn't up for that, or if it doesn't work, then there are bigger problems to worry about. Right now, it sounds as though he doesn't care and it takes two to make a relationship work. He has to put forth an effort too, not just you.

I would be worried about the sex and intimacy part too. Men are sexual creatures and I would be afraid he is getting sex somewhere else.

Good luck.

Answer 4

If he refuses to see a marriage counselor, your going will not help your relationship. You have to either decide that your life is ok the way it is or move on. (It sounds like you are not happy with the way things are going)

I am not saying this lightly, it happened to me...actually my ex was fine with the way life was but I was not. I tried the marriage counselor because he said he would go...and he did, once, then refused to go again because "He didn't have a problem, I did". I love my ex still, but did not want to live my life with a room mate that I argued with most of the time. I was happier being alone because that tension was not present all the time.

Good Luck, I hope things work out so that you will be truly happy

Answer 5

Usually in a marriage, if the sex life goes, the marriage goes. That's just how it works. It sounds like he is unwilling to try anything to make it better. Sometimes in life we just come to the end of the road. You have walked that road now for 11 years. And you're at a crossroads. Do you stay on that road, or turn off in search of something more fulfilling? I will say this much: My husband divorced me for another woman after 15 years of marriage. It was the greatest gift he ever gave me. Because we had become stale and tired of each other etc. And now, we are both remarried to wonderful people and are much happier! Sometimes, it's just time to say goodbye. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

It's not a good sign that he won't meet you half way on this. And it is a bit puzzling that he would not view a sexless marriage as one in need of some help. Think about going to see a counselor yourself. It might be less threatening for your husband if you went. If not, it might make you able to cope better or help prepare you to leave.

Answer 7

It's hard, & can be really annoying to do for a while, but seek out ways to make his life easier. Seek out ways to make his day a little happier. Do this without expecting anything in return, this is amazingly effective because you love who you serve.

oh, even though you do this all without expecting anything in return, chances are, if you married a half decent guy, you'll start seeing some reciprocation.

Answer 8

Well this is the marriage curse at its FINEST.

What can I say. Maybe have a 3way with one of these wemen that like sex without commitment.

Answer 9

If you want to save the marriage you will BOTH have to see a marital counselor....you can't do this yourself.
If you don't save it now, when the kids are out of school, he will be gone.

Answer 10

Maybe if you start going to a marraige counselor by yourself it will help you and interest him after awhile?