I want to be a woman, and I told my girlfriend today?

Question

I've wanted to be a female for a long time now and I thought that those feelings would go away but they haven't and I told my girlfriend today that I want to change sex, and she was really upset about it, so I told her I wouldn't do it, cause I don't want to lose her, but I can't help but want to be a woman

I've had these feelings for about 10 years.

Answer 1

It seems as if you were a woman born transsexual and like 90% of other ts women you were attracted exclusively or predominantly to women so you behaved quite naturally as a heterosexual man. The "were" related to pre-transition state.

Only 10% of ts women thought they were gay men pre-transition. Of the entire ts female population about 15-20% were on balance bisexual.

Postop it all changes. Only 35% of ts women fancy women in the main, and the remainder generally prefer men, with about 25% of the total population being either bisexual or pansexual.

So most ts women DO change their sexual preference to liking men and straight men for that matter, not gay men, and this explains why only 3% of formerly heterosexual LTRs survive SRS and beyond.

Interestingly fewer still LTRs between formerly gay couples survive. This is explained that most women are heterosexual and most gay men like men and not women. So both straight women and gay men want men and not a woman which of course you are post operatively.

Your girlfriend got with you because she thought you were a man. 90% of all women are predominantly or exclusively interested in men.

Can you see why if your girlfriend is to do you any favours, it is vital you accept that your relationship is finished? She is going to be forever worried about your revelation and will need to tell someone but her ignorance is going to be your downfall - you need to get some online information as quickly as possible - see the links I give below.

So you go into Denial.... result: you will fail because if you are a woman born transsexual it will eat away at you until you get Gender Crash.

Whenever I counsel ts women struggling with their gender the first thing I tell them is "DO NOT TELL YOUR PARTNER YET - ONLY DO SO AFTER YOU HAVE SOME THERAPY".

Far better to separate now whilst you can both remain friends since you have already released the Genie out of the bottle. You can agree a stepped process wherein you beign therapy, start on hormones and facial hair removal all well before you have to being living full time.

Please be warned, partners CANNOT be trusted to stand by their assurance to "stand by you". For once this is a journey you have to take on your own and for many significant others it WILL be too painful for them now. In time they may return to be your friend but expect the worse and hope for the best.

Deferring the decision to live full time might be a practical alternative and could be helped by seeing a therapist who will discuss with you the motivation that is driving you forward. It
may be you can live part time as a woman and take hormones to see if they appeal to you but be warned, they WILL in time make you sterile and CAN impede sexual relationships since erections will be less or even non existent.

After just a few months of hormones you will smell differently and you may lose your sexual function (depends on lots of other things). If she likes penetrative sex you might not be physically able to perform though you might not be able to do it emotionally either. The mere object she wants from you, your penis will become a detestable piece of your anatomy that you will wish to conceal as opposed to use.

To stay with a partner under those circumstances, indeed any circumstances is untenable since you will not be leaving for another woman but AS another woman and it you might even pose an emotional threat to your g/f.

The fact that the thought of you losing your g/f is enough to send you shivering back into the closet worries me somewhat for there will be far more challenging situations to face if you DO transition. It is no fairy tale ride through the Magic Garden, it is a hair-raising roller coaster through inhospitable and new territory that tests your resolve daily.

It DOES however get better though please believe me, and eventually you might realise that it was all worth it - it was for me - but being a baby and panicking might just be a sign you are still not quite ready.

Go find a good gender counsellor (I am in the UK and can recommend the Gender Trust website for information:

http:// www.gendertrust.org.uk

Talk it all through with the counsellor initially without your g/f but if she is in agreement later on with her so she is aware of the changes that might be happening to you.

You may also find these links of some help:
http://www.tsroadmap.com/
http://www.gires.org.uk/
http://www.kaffeine.freeuk.com/korner/
http://transsexual.org/letters1.html
http://www.secondtype.com/
http://php.ucsf.edu/PatientEd/MedicalCareofTransexualpts.pdf

and a good one for your g/f and parents:
http://www.tsfaq.info/

If you take this little poem of advice take this:

"You are a time-bomb which needs to be defused
You have a condition that cannot be refused
Your loved ones might feel they have been used
It's life as a woman you have to choose

Take care, don't panic
Take each day slow
Get help, reach out
And Go! Girl Go!"


Best wishes and I can assure you there IS a life after "he" has gone but the price you have to pay may well be to lose the girl you have so you can be the girl you are to become.

You are not at all alone, many other women have trodden this path before you.

Nikki
x

Answer 2

Your girlfriend’s reaction is normal. If you change to a woman, it is a major loss of how she thinks of you, and some of the reasons she fell in love with you. Give her some time, and bring it up again after she has thought about it some more. You both might want to buy some books on the subject for overall better understanding of what you will go through and what your other loved ones will, too.

If you feel and desire to be a woman, and this will make you happy, then you should pursue it. You are the only person who understands how to make your life fulfilling. The risk is that people you love might not be there anymore, but there are so many people out there that will support you and love you no matter what. Be you, and do what you must do to be a happy yourself first.

Answer 3

First you must ignore silly people like Fritz Milan. If you feel you must be a woman you were born that way and no "god" made you a man so you must stay like that. That is just rubbish and wont solve you problem. there are books which will explain how people are born male, female, hermaphrodite or many conditions in between Brainsex by Anne Moir and David Jessel is a good one published by Mandarin ISBN 0-7493-0525-8 also Sex an the Brain but I cant remember the author. You do need some counselling and I would suggest your GP may be good start or you may have a physco-sexual councillor nearby. St Georges Hospital in London do training in this field and may be able to direct you to someone

Answer 4

First off, well done on telling her, it's a very brave thing to do. Also, even if your girlfriend reacted badly to it, it is the right thing to do.

I think you should give your girlfriend time to think about what you have told her, and just let her consider what you have said. If she truly loves you, she will accept you for the way you are and come to understand this part of you. If she does not accept it, then you may have to just move on from her. Sadly, although it isn't fair, some people just can't cope with the news.

However, don't go back on what you told her, because it will just complicate the situation further. If you just tell her the honest truth and explain your feelings, you have done the best you can and that is all you can do. Just don't deny yourself the right to become who you really are, or else you will regret it in the future.

Hope this helps, and good luck. Xxox. =].

Answer 5

I also have wanted since i was very young to be a woman. I came out to my wife (now -ex) 7 years ago, and my entire family 4 years ago. I saw a therapist for several years, and started towards path towards transitioning, however I let the fear of losing family and my job (which I dont even like), control my life. Now I'm still struggling with it, and even though I say I don't want to transition because (fill in whatever reason), It is a lie. For every day i say to myself I wont, I have even more days where all I can think about is wanting to be a woman. Moral=You can try to supress it all you want, but your feelings (your true inner feelings, NEVER go away)

Answer 6

Don't lose hope on your girlfriend coming around - many people do. But please, if you are seriously trying to repress any desire to live as a woman for the sake of saving a romantic relationship, remember that such attempts are almost inevitably disasterous failures, and the longer they go on the worse the fall out is. I know you love her, but you can't base a relationship on false pretense indefinetly.

If you end up marrying this woman, what then? Or having children? Especially a couple decades ago it was common for trans people to put off transition (changing their lives to live as men/women) until they were in their 40's or 50's and had families, and the results could be devestating. They lost everything, families and careers and children, and had to start their lives over. If you start now, you don't have to do that. You can build a career and a life and a family as a woman.

I really, *really* suggest finding a counselor who's used to helping people through transition and all the social difficulties associated with it. If you have a queer community center anywhere near you call them, they may have counselors there or be able to direct you to reputable people elsewhere.

Unfortunately, many romantic relationships don't survive transition. It's awful, it's painful, but people survive it, and go on to have relationships again in the future, and they will be stronger for being part of a life in which you can live honestly with yourself and them. And in some cases, even partners who react badly at first do eventually come around. It's good to hold out hope, but also remember that if she can't cope, *this doesn't mean your life is over.* Many people lose friends or loved ones in this process, but in the end their lives end up so much better.

And please, ignore the asshats who tell you to "stay as God made you." If you believe in a divine being, then you are as God made you - and if God made you trans, there must have been a reason for it. To transition isn't "telling God he made a mistake" any more than any other response to unusual circumstances of birth is.

If we're assuming God consciously determines the circumstances of all births, he's responsible for conditions far more bizarre and ineffable than men born appearing female or vice versa. Who's to say that the process of coming to grips with this situation and the incredible social perspective that can grow out of it isn't what was intended in the first place?

Answer 7

Grab your credit card and go shopping. It was very courageous of you to tell her, and her response is understanding. You will have to deal with a lot of mix emotions from everyone you love. Take it easy. Try leaving the style first before you commit to "snipping" old faithful. Talking to a professional will help you sort some things out. AND PLEASE KEEP IN MIND, IT IS YOUR LIFE...you have the right to be happy in whichever way makes you smile.

Answer 8

Go for it dude and do not wait another 10 years, life is too short! There is a lot of support systems out there, do your research and talk to others who have done this.

Answer 9

I think you made a big step toward coming out. You will most likely get a lot of reactions like that with your family if you decide to tell them as well. But don't let that discourage you from doing something that you really want to do. I suggest counseling first, talk to a therapist about it before doing anything else.

And don't try to second guess yourself. It is really bad if you second guess a goal. You don't want to think about what might have been 20 years or so from now.

Answer 10

do what u want and if she did really like u enough to be ur girlfriend she would understand......and i dont no if this helps but ive heard that .....after u die its not the end of ur life, u will have the chance to come back 2 this world as something other than yourself.so in your other life u may have the chance 2 come back as a woman. hope i helped! =D