Is there a such thing as a woman being "too independent" when she is married?

Question

My husband has made remarks about me being too independent, but if I don't look out for myself who will? Also, before I was married I was single and I have always worked, had my own apartment and paid my own way for everything. Even when I was so called "dating", I never left home without my own money. I had several friends that wanted to be wined and dined. They expected a man to take care of them. Not me. I learned a long time ago that you can't rely on people. But the weird thing with my husband is if I ask him to do something (household projects; carrying heavy objects; etc.), I will get attitude. If he initiates it on his own or offers and I decline, then he says I am too independent. What does he want? A needy woman who can't stand on her own two feet? That's the same exact thing I experienced with guys that I dated when I was single. They'd much rather do something for a woman who doesn't have a job, has kids, etc.

There are a lot of trust issues for me as well.

And to clarify what I mean by they'd rather help women who don't work and have kids ... I mean women who have no desire to work, who would rather stay at home and have baby after baby, collect welfare and foodstamps. There's nothing wrong with getting assistance if you really need it, but it just seems as if guys are more prone to help a woman who appears to be needy than a strong woman.

Answer 1

No, that's the problem with a lot of women today. They are so dependent on their husbands, that they can't leave because they can no longer fend for themselves.
The guys you meet who want the needy woman, knows that the needy woman will let them do anything they want. She needs him and he knows it so he uses that against her.

Answer 2

I think your question is very complicated and I don't think I can sufficiently answer all parts without additional information. Trust issues throw a whole new angle into the mix.

But no, I don't think being independent is necessarily a bad thing. But as is the case with ANY relationship, it's a matter of being true to yourself while still being sensitive to your partner's needs/expectations, too. This is easier to do if you spend enough time before settling down with "just anyone"; finding someone who shares similar expectations and relationship values may take more time than many people are willing to spend, but it's worth it.

That being said, remember: nothing is black and white, and nothing is set in stone. You say your husband gives you attitude about doing things around the house... is this true ALL the time? Or has he annoyed you so much on a few occassions that you're not able to remember all the things he DOES do? Remember: he's not your servant, at your beckon call (and the same applies to you; you wouldn't like it if he expected you to, oh, say, cook him a delicious meal every time he asked, would you? He IS entitled to say no, or not right now, too).

It sounds to me like the two of you need to communicate better, and you need to let go just a smidge and let him do nice things for you. It's stereotypical, but I truly believe men show their love through their actions, not their words. If you're constantly "beating him to the punch" or declining his offer to help you out or do something nice, it's like you're ignoring him when he says "I love you".

Maintaining a certain level of independence is healthy. Not allowing your partner to express his love in his own way for fear of being hurt, abandoned, coming off as spoiled - whatever - is not.

Good luck. And maybe talk to a councellor about your trust issues.

Answer 3

Why not come to some kind of agreement with your hubby,
that for 2 weeks, he can be in control, and you see how he
does it....for a change....
my mother always said, if someone wants something bad
enough "give it to them"...they can "shut up or put up".
Remove all your independence, just for awhile, and allow
him that privilege...at least give him the benefit of the doubt...
he should have known how you were when you married,
but guess he didn't, and now ''he's asking to learn" and
perhaps he has a desire to do so...
What is it going to hurt, to ''let him lead", and make a few
decisions...just don't let him lead you astray...so to speak,
but I do think, that he should have a chance to ''be the
leader, for a change.."
Go to work and do the things that you must, that won't
jeopardize your losing your job, but ''be beside your
husband," and "learn how he wants to play the game",
and perhaps he just might like it to go back to the regular
routine it is now....
This is real trust...
Men have always ''wanted to be there, for the lonely, the
deprived, etc..." perhaps you don't have the look that they
do...
Come on, let your hair down, and live, for once....
I hope it works out for you and him, but it depends on how
you both want the marriage to work out.
You might try ''going away together, where nothing is a
reminder of the same ole grind"...TF

Answer 4

Coco Chanel once said, "I do not believe in women's strength, I believe in women's weakness".
But that was a while back and things have changed.
In any relationship there must be give and take, and the willingness to compromise and work together. You have to apply the same dedication and team work-sense that you put into your carrier, and direct it into your marriage.
It seems you and your husband are currently engaging in a pissing contest and have conflicting attitudes about values married life, and neither of you is willing to budge, or get some maturity in problem solving.
Let me say, that some men feel masculine and needed when they are supporting their spouses, and some men like for their wives to have carriers and independence.
You are who you are, and maybe you were not ready to share your life and compromise your ultimate independence with a husband just yet. Try to communicate with calmness and clarity, and see if somewhere between independence and power struggle there could be a positive partnership.

Answer 5

Your husband wants to feel needed and wanted. If you can do everything for yourself and do not give him the opportunity to contribute or at least feel like he makes an impact, then he probably wonders why you ever want to be with him. Men need to be needed, just like women do. Everyone needs to be needed in some way. It's okay to want to be able to take care of yourself, but don't push it into his face. Instead, let him carry things, let him pick up the tab. He will be gratified and happy.

For the record, I have learned through TWO marriages that independence is not a good thing. Both my husbands were emasculated because they did not feel like as a woman I needed them for anything but sperm. I have ended up very lonely, a single mother supporting two kids on my own and working my butt off at two and sometimes three jobs. I'd LOVE for someone to take care of me just once. Be thankful you have someone who wants to be there for you and wants to contribute cuz there are plenty of idiots who want to live off you instead. I learned my lesson the hard way.

Answer 6

Guys are threatened by strong women. It's important to keep your independence but you also have to let him know that you need him. Something a friend of mine taught me... If you need help with something, say, "Honey, it would make me really happy if you would...(take out the trash)" or whatever. In this way, you are letting him know that his simple action will make him your hero. Read the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.' It will give you some insight into the ways men and women think and how for both people to get their needs met. Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

I guess your husband is just being threatened by your sense of independence. You know men, they always wanted to be felt needed. However, to be honest with you, I admire your being independent because I know that in the long run, it will be the best for you. Like you've said, you've learned a long time ago that you can't rely on other people and sad to say but that is the truth. It is better to keep on being independent because truth is, time will come that you have no one left to hang on to but yourself.

With regards to your relationship with your husband, I think all you need to do is make him feel that his opinion matters to you. Make him feel that you needed him and that he is important to you more than he thinks. I believe that in a relationship, each party has the need to feel needed and wanted. As your husband, he definitely wanted to feel that he is responsible for you but that is not the case because he sees you as a very independent woman. They say men like independent women, but I guess not to the point that would make them feel un-needed.

Answer 8

Well, honestly, I wouldn't might to stay at home to care for my "future" kids. Why do you discriminate against those people who have multiple children that they are all on welfare? You know it's not true. Do you have statistics?

I'm very financially independent myself, but I don't act like one. I let my fiance take me out all the time. However, I also take him out. I ALSO like to buy him expensive gifts for birthdays, Christmas, New Years, Valentine Days etc. Why not to buy him a digital camera, ring etc. ? I ALSO buy household stuff ... However, I let him to take care of me because I also want to feel special, you know?

Remember, it's OK to be independent, but don't act like one with your significant other. Good luck.

Answer 9

YOu have to balance it. Nobody says its got to be black or white. You are not weak if you let him feel you need him.
Nobody likes the feeling that if you seperated the other wouldn't miss a beat! Maybe you give off a feeling that you just don't need him for anything. If you are finacially independant then let him know you need him emotionally! Being needed doesn't just mean you need him to lift something! He doesn't feel important to you. He wants you to rely on him. You don't have to give up your check book, just tell him you'd be crushed without him.

Answer 10

You are harder for him to control and he feels insecure that you will not be dependent enough on him.

Basically, if you have the means and wherewithal to survive on your own without him, it forces him to be on his best behavior at all times instead of just long enough for you to say yes. It means he probably feels like he has to constantly make efforts to keep you in love with him instead of controlling you and moving on to "mate guarding" as a means of keeping you from seeking sex elsewhere.