I am really at wits end and am worried about my marriage as my husband seems to be addicted to porn and bizzare sex. I have recently discovered that he has posted a profile on a adult sex site. I am so upset as he posted he wants very bizzare sex with anyone, more than one, whatever, whoever. He adds "Dont email me as my wife may find out!" I discovered this all by accident as someone responded to his ad through my email for some reason. This just breaks my heart as I thought we had a pretty good marriage going on. We have been married for 12 years. We have a pretty good sex life...although he wants it alot more than me as I am starting menopause and am not always in the mood, but it's not like we never have it. My biggest concern I guess is the kind of sex he is looking for. I can't even discribe it, but its NOT normal! This is the 2nd time in our marrige I have caught him doing this. Help..I don't want to loose my marriage!
2007-08-03 08:58:07 · 15 answers · asked by Kathy J 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
"This is the 2nd time in our marrige I have caught him doing this"
Why on earth did you think it would just disappear on its own after the first time?
Every relationship is different, but I wouldn't be ok with this. I don't care if he requested sensuous, tender love-making; the fact is he's seeking to be intimate - emotionally, physically, whatever - with another, possibly several human being(s).
Ask him about it. Calmly tell him how hurt you are about a) the fact that he's being unfaithful (and yes, the act of posting a personal ad is enough for me; carrying it out is not the only way to be unfaithful) and b) the fact that he has apparently deviant sexual fantasies. If your marriage was as healthy as you thought, he would have/should have discussed these fantasies WITH YOU.
It is possible that your husband is acting out some sort of sexual repression. It could be, to him, all a fantasy but he is certainly flirting with very dangerous territory. The "bizarre sex" isn't so much the issue here as is him going behind your back. People have all sorts of odd fantasies; that's normal. But actually wanting to act it out and be unfaithful to your spouse? Not so much. Most people can distinguish the difference between fantasy and reality, and have a clear cut understanding of when exploring a fantasy would be appropriate, and when leaving it strictly as fantasy would be a better idea. Personally, I think it's childish and selfish for your husband to think his desire to fulfill his fantasy is more important than his vow of fidelity to you.
Bottom line: bring it up to him. Even if you didn't find it by accident, it's clear that there are some major trust and communication issues going on here. If you're even interested in salvaging this relationship, you need to work on rebuilding the foundation of trust and communication. This is not a sex issue! Talk to a councelor - but only if you're both sincerely willing.
Good luck!
2007-08-03 09:58:22 · answer #1 · answered by Courtney 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not necessarily. Arousal doesn't require completion of the act. In fact, that can be a let down in some ways. Just like you don't have to get drunk to enjoy a drink. There must be some element of fantasy there that you're not providing. Perhaps as simple as the unattainable or forbidden fruit. Try a simple experiment. Sometime when you're watching a movie or something comment about some guy, about how hot he is, and see what happens. You might also try a bit of hard to get, or something to give the impression that someone else is interested in you. If that doesn't work, perhaps you need to trash it up a bit with some naughty words or something. Once you've got him interested more in the real thing then you can start working on getting a little more of what you want out of him.
2016-05-17 09:42:08 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh Honey, you've been under the impression that some men don't want bizarre sex? And you were lucky enough to marry one?....hehehehe. Sorry, didn't know there were men out there that don't fantasize about kinky sex. And the older they get the worse they get....lol. Just hope the fetish that turns them on is one you can live with!!!!
None the less...I'd be more upset that my man was STUPID enough to use the mutual email address to sign up instead of creating his own on yahoo, gmail, etc. Really not a very puter savvy dude, huh?
2007-08-03 09:05:15 · answer #3 · answered by gypsy g 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off I'm not an expert, but I do believe that he is totally in the wrong. Me and my husband have been married for 4 yrs, just had our ann. . We both beleive that porn of any kind or form is completely wrong and that it distroys marriages. He should take a look at what he is doing to you. How selfish of him.. !!
2007-08-03 09:05:08 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Um he's already cheating on you or trying very hard to. Do you really want to take the chance of catching something modern medicine can not cure from him?
Your marriage is already over. When someone loves you they do not cheat on you and they do not define their marriage by sex.
2007-08-03 09:07:06 · answer #5 · answered by Saphira 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well thats horrible because he pretty much posted an ad to cheat on you with whoever however. I think you should ask your self if this marriage is worth saving. If it is then maybe therapy?? I dont know what to say really.
2007-08-03 09:04:23 · answer #6 · answered by California Kush 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
He has these desires, but somehow, he figures if he discusses them with you, you'd think differently about him. H wants this bizzare stuff, but he knows you won't accept his fantasies, or like I said, think of him alot differently if he openly approached you about them.
So he explores, vicariously though this website. He may not have actually met anyone, but the fact that it's out there is enough for him take pleasure that his bizzare desire is out.
That's how I see it psychologically.
but, yeah, you guys need to talk about this.
2007-08-03 09:07:46 · answer #7 · answered by Sean C 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Meet him halfway and do it "his way" every other time, or every third time, etc. If that isn't an option then you have to be assured he will find it from someone else. Then you will have to decide whether to live with it or divorce him. Good luck, hope it works out.
2007-08-03 09:04:24 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
you both need some counseling. It comes down to making some compromises, you make some and he makes some..... this should help build a boundary that is never to be crossed
2007-08-03 09:05:41 · answer #9 · answered by jimmy.parker06 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's "lose" (not loose) and you need to discuss the issue with him...counseling if needed...nothing will change unless the two of you deal with this together.
2007-08-03 09:03:23 · answer #10 · answered by . 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋