Background: Every year my mom has a family get-together with all her kids, grandkids, etc. For the last 4 years my brother hasn't gone. He says he'll be there and not shown up. Although it's bugged her, my mom won't say anything to him because she knows he won't tell her the reason he's not going. In the past 11 months, my sis-in-law has lost a daughter and been diagnosed with a disease that has a terrible prognosis.
She told me but made me promise not to tell my mom. The problem is, my mom wants to call sis-in-law and confront her about not coming to the family event. I told her that considering what she's been thru, she doesn't need the added stress. My mom knows she's sick but not full picture.
I have honored my sis-inlaw's request but I'm afraid my mom (who isn't known for her sensitivity) will regret confronting her. She may not even make it to Christmas with the diagnosis she's been given and I'm sure my mom will regret laying this guilt trip on her. Please, no rude answers.
2007-08-03 08:00:51 · 15 answers · asked by katydid 7 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Senior Citizens
Goldwing, considering there is an impending death in my family, I would hesitate to call it "drama". Geez, if you don't "get it" as you said, don't answer the question.
2007-08-03 11:50:27 · update #1
Tough situation, but I would continue to honor your word that you gave your sister-in-law as she must have her reasons for not wanting your mom to know the full picture.
Perhaps you can talk to your mother and tell her that things are not always what they seem (i.e., why they don't come to the family-get-togethers), and that she should let sleeping dogs lie.
If your mom knows that her daughter-in-law is not well aside from adjusting to losing a child, why in the world would she call and confront her daughter-in-law about such a thing. It seems your mom is being selfish to me. I'd let her know.
I've had to talk my mom out of doing things when I felt she was about to meddle. If done tactfully, she may listen to you.
I hope it works out for your family. So sorry to hear about her prognosis.
2007-08-03 08:46:29 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Tell your mother. If she "confronts" her DIL she will feel terrible afterwards and I think she has a right to know. Isnt mom a member of the family too?
Her feelings about her DIL are being negatively impacted, and why should she be the only person who doesnt know? I would be so hurt. She may have a hard time forgiving you for keeping this from her.
Your mom will want to be there to offer support and be as helpful as she can for both her son and DIL at this time, if there are children its important their Grandmother be in the picture NOW - and not after the fact, or they will wonder where the family was when their mother was so very ill.
I understand a lot of people just want privacy when they are ill or going through a bad time. I want to just crawl into my cave and snarl at everyone to leave me alone, I dont want sympathy or someone hovering - but the people who love you and care about you WANT to be there for you in good times AND in bad times.
I really think you better have a talk with mom, then call your SIL and tell her, if she had asked you to keep a secret about something less important you would have, but its your opinion that the family needs to know this because they care about her and her family.
Tell her you feel its wrong to exclude your mom from what others know, and you will not continue to hurt your mom because believe me she will be hurt big time.
Tell her you felt you have an obligation to your mother too because this is seriously affecting her and her relationship with her son , and no mom should be shut out of her sons life to this extent.
I am sure it will be a huge relief to you to not have to lie, knowing it is going to hurt your mom, and to have her to talk to about your own feelings and worries right now.
Sometimes you have to take a stand, and this is one of those times, I have broken promises when I feel keeping it is not in the best interest of anyone concerned.
2007-08-03 08:16:46 · answer #2 · answered by isotope2007 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I understand how the back talking and finding things out from other people is frustrating, but it also helps if you consider her point of view too- She has to deal with a new baby AND having her mother-in-law living with them which isn't ideal for most wives/mothers of newborns. I understand where your coming from too though, but it was also very nice of your brother and his wife to let your mom stay with them, i agree its not fair of her to get annoyed at stuff and to ask your mom to cook but she probably doesn't mean any harm, maybe she just isn't getting the full picture and it's probably time for you to talk to Vivian but without naming the people that told you that stuff.
2016-05-17 09:14:58 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good grief...why all this drama??? Aren't we all a little old to be playing games like this? Your SIL is keeping quiet for some unknown reason, probably NOT a good one. Your Brother is keeping quiet, lord knows why. And your mother seems to not be able to see past the end of her nose!
If it were me, I would tell Brother and SIL to talk to mom immediately, they have put you in the middle of what will be an ugly mess down the road. YOU will be blamed for any guilt your mom may have because she "goes off" at her son and dil about NOT coming. So much to do about so very little. IF the woman is dying, then why in the world doesn't she just come out with it? This one, I really do not understand at all.
2007-08-03 11:31:44 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
Why don't you call your brother and let him know what is going on and what your mom is about to do; let him and his wife make the judgement call. I think that your mom needs to know, but that is not your call to make, that is theirs. It is good that you have honored your sister in-law's request but now your back is to the wall, figurativily speaking, and you have to let them know that it if they don't say or do something, it is going to blow up in their faces.
Personally I think your family does need to know about your sister in-law's health so that they can be there for her and especially for your brother when she passes, plus this may help your mother be a lot more sensitive to their wishes.
2007-08-04 02:52:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Respect the sister-in-law's request - however tell the SIL about your Mom wanting to confront her and your concerns of the stress it may cause. The Sister-In-Law will then have to do one of 2 things. Either tell your mom herself or allow for you to tell. That way - you don't break a trust that your sister-in-law may not understand the reasoning for. Be honest with your sister-in-law....Good Luck and God Speed to you all in these hard times.
2007-08-03 08:12:54 · answer #6 · answered by Jackie 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I believe you need not tell your mom, But you need to talk to your brother about having a sit down talk with mom, with sister-in-law, mom, and brother. To explain the scene behind the scene. And everyone support sis., in this time of need. But don't over support..............good luck.
2007-08-03 14:54:51 · answer #7 · answered by whiskeybandit7220 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your mom is the mother in law but she is also the mom. Tell her she needs to call your brother and ask him to please explain what is wrong and is there a problem. Your sis in law does not want sympathy or interference while she knows she is dying, your brother should handle this not you.
2007-08-03 09:27:31 · answer #8 · answered by lilabner 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
i think you should tell your mom your sister in law needs all her love ones right now. even if your sister doesn't want your mom to know a part of her truly does. your mom will me more angry about not knowing than the guilt trip thing.
2007-08-03 08:05:50 · answer #9 · answered by Esther N 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
tell her! she is gonna be p^ssed off when she finds out after it's too late! that's one of those promises that needs to be broken. tell her about your promise too so she will no how to handle the situation without giving you up. mom's have a way of getting people to tell them things that they don't want to tell when they have the right information.☺
2007-08-03 11:00:16 · answer #10 · answered by gone fishing! 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋