I am a 33 year old divorced father of two girls whom I have two days a week and every other weekend. I love them dearly and am quite involved in their lives.
My girlfriend is 28 and has never been married and has no kids. We have been together a year now and I want to propose marriage.
However she is really struggling with the idea of becoming a step-mother. It scares her. She has read two books about being a step-mom...and one specifically about going from single to step-mom, but they raise more fear and concern.
I want to encourage her, but I do not know how. I could use some help from all you women who went from single to step-mom. I need some positive encouragement and ways to make this not so scary for her.
2007-08-03 07:41:20 · 15 answers · asked by swdance74 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My girlfriend has spent time with my girls.
My girls are young...6 and 4.
My girls love her dearly and want us to get married.
2007-08-03 07:58:28 · update #1
You have to be reassuring with her-
Let her know that you will take her opinion into account when making decisions regarding the girls (scheduling visitation, financially, etc.) and that she won't be left out of anything! The last thing she wants to feel like is a pay check or a babysitter- let her know these things won't happen (and do everything you can to make sure they don't). Assure her of how appreciative you are of everything she does for you and your girls.
2007-08-03 09:11:41 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been there. It is a hard road, UNLESS you convince her the children already have two parents and they don't need anymore. There is a beautiful place for a step parent and that is an adult that cares about the children's well being and allows the parents to do all the parenting. I have raised a fabulous step son but only as a guider when he came to me. I never acted as a parent. To this day we all have done well. There is an awesome respect between us all.(Including his Mother). Best of luck to you. Also you may need to see if she is totally serious about you. I didn't ever have a fear that would keep me from marrying!
2007-08-03 07:49:07 · answer #2 · answered by New Nana 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would definitely take out the "step-mom" word out of conversation and allow her to sink into the "bride-to-be" word. I think she has already accepted your daughters since they come over several days a week, right? Otherwise, she would have dumped you long time ago. Give her the time and opportunity to want that label because if you push her into it, she may become annoyed and run the other way. Don't give her the duties just yet. Let her take the duties when she desires. Its not her job to discipline your children nor to do the "mother" thing with them either. If she accepts the duties on her own, you should be proud.
2007-08-03 07:54:13 · answer #3 · answered by anaise 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The scary part, is probably your ex - more than the kids. My question to you is, how is your ex going to handle there being a step-mom? Is she going to get territorial and cause problems? Or is she happy for you, and do you co-parent well?
How about your kids? Do they like her? Would they be happy to see you move on with your life and get re-married or will they be resentful? Have you talked to them about it?
The fear is less about being a "mom" and more about the relationships she is going to have with everyone - you need to calm her fears by showing that the children want her around, and that your ex is ok with you moving on...if there is a problem with either - don't get married until it is resolved.
2007-08-03 07:52:33 · answer #4 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My brother has an seven twelve months old daughter that he observed while he married my sister-in-regulation. He became the daddy parent in her existence while she replaced into approximately 2. interior the commencing up she called him by ability of his first call yet on fathers day a pair years in the past she instructed him, "i'll call you daddy all of the time now, no longer in basic terms while i opt for something reason you're my daddy and that i admire you." He broke down crying and pronounced this is the appropriate present day every person would desire to've given him.
2016-10-01 08:16:03 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well Im not a step mom but I have a step mom and have had two step dads.. I hated my first stepdad because he was a control freak, and I cant stand my step mother because she is an attention hog to my father. The best advice to give to your girlfriend is to step up and start acting like a mother but not to disipline or talk down to your girls. My current step father is great. I treat him like he is my real dad because he has always treated me with respect. He is funny and really fun to be around. I like just hanging out with him and he doesnt feel scared to just be himself around me. At first we didnt hang out as much but that was before we really knew each others personalities. The fact that he was fine to just be himself around me really made me like and respect him more. Just tell your girlfriend that if she acts like herself and is just there for the girls whenever they need to talk to her they will work out great. I am assuming because your in your thirties that your daughters are younger and either just turned into teenagers or are pre-teen.. which helps alot because she will get to know them before they turn into rebels lol... If she is this worried over becoming a step mom she is on the right tract.. because that shows that she cares.. and that is the most important thing.. just tell her to relax... your girls arent going to rip her to shredds or anything.. Plan for you all to go out and see a movie, go to the zoo, go shopping or whatever they like and then after you do this all together.. have her take the girls once by herself to see how it goes.. The best thing for you to tell her is to relax and be herself.. she will be a great step mom... dont forget to tell the kids either..my father never told me that he was married untill my brother told me a month later.. I havent talked to him since.. Good Luck!!!
2007-08-03 07:54:51 · answer #6 · answered by Katie C 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think she should just work on developing a friendship with the girls. Being a step-mom will evolve over time. Don't forget, your kids already have a mother and no one can replace that. I think her responsibility is to accept them, treat them with love, and be their friend.
2007-08-03 07:47:01 · answer #7 · answered by Annie 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sweet Pea I went from being single to step mom and it works for me. The best advice I can give is to set boundaries with the children and the ex meaning make sure she is comfortable when the children are around and make sure they respect their step mom and make sure the ex stay's in her place.. When this is done you won't have to worry about anything. Good luck!
2007-08-03 07:47:05 · answer #8 · answered by b n real 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am not a women. But I think you should assure her to start out slow and let you do all the parenting and she can establish a friendship first. It will help ease into step-motherhood.
2007-08-03 07:45:36 · answer #9 · answered by W 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell your girlfriend to throw out the books and to live HER life with YOUR family rather than living inside the books.
2007-08-03 10:11:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋