any comment?

Question

FINAL FLIGHT OF LIGHT

sunday morning.
your voice slid a slice of light
into my eyes,

your smile dusted the debris
of memos and bills
off my shoulders.

and i wished the time
to stand still
so that i could cling

to the tender laughter
in your eyelashes;
so that i could lay my head

on your tiny thighs
and listen to the riddles
rivuleting from your tongue.


riddles that yesterday
were rattled and clipped
by the anger that oozed

from my eyes, mouth, and fist –
a beast that refused the warm breeze
brought by the sea of your why’s.

a, how i wished i could tie the sun
and lift it above the hills
a little longer –

i still would like to play with you
to annoy you, to say sorry,
and to sleep embracing you,

my child. but the dusk
has already fluffed its wings, the wind
has whistled the final flight of light.

to art-flood. thanks for the suggestion but my intention is not just "tying and lifting the sun a little longer". yes it's an important image and emotion but as you can see in the poem, the experience i want to convey is much much richer than what your suggestion can capture.

Answer 1

that was very deep and powerful....it uplifted me in my time of need. you should get it published.

Answer 2

I like this poem, it was emotionally deep. It's about a parent who didn't have time for their child yesterday, but realizes today the joy that was lost. Even today does not seem long enough to baste in the love and innocence of your child.

Your poem sounds a bit tragic at the end. You say the wind has whistled the final flight of light. That sounds like a permanent ending.

I would say to you that there is always tomorrow to once again live and love. Even in a child's death, there is joy and strength from the remembrance of gifts bestowed upon you in this mortal realm. As a believer in God I look forward to re-union.

...but back to the poem. For the most part it flowed nicely in my mind. Areas that bothered my poetic soul a bit were "slid a slice" and "laughter in your eyelashes." "Slid a slice of light" makes light seem static rather than flowing, beaming, brilliant, glowing. Ironically, "laughter in your eyelashes" seem to give movement to those static hairs.

...again a very fine poem. As a parent I can identify with it. Keep on writing.

Answer 3

Humm, some fresh blood surging into the poetry category, including you. I found this poem delightful in parts, shocking in others, and when they first collided, surprised at the change of voice so swift.

The last stanza shows your capacity for writing. Absolutely lovely. Also, "how i wished....a little longer ---" Beautiful.

I wish to go through this stanza by stanza but this seems to me like the kind of poem where you were so in the moment and could recapture. I'd love to see you go at this again more incisively, especially in the middle.

the only stanzas that didn't work/confounded me a bit started/ended with from "riddles" to "your why's." Would love to sit down with you over them.

Very nice work, I thought. Thanks for sharing this. Don't stop.

Answer 4

I'd like to see this in the 'poem of the month' at myverdict.net

Answer 5

reduce it to this - make these into haiku
it works much better - please give me partial credit if you publish this.

i could tie the sun
lifting it above the hills
a little longer