Why isn't my husband very supportive of my ambitions?

Question

It seems everything I want to do and get excited about, he has to shoot me down. I told him I wanted to go back to school and be a nurse or radiographer, and he said it would be a problem because I am bad at math. I'm really not that bad at it, but he always brings it up. I also like to write, and I brought up wanting to write a novel, maybe not to get it published, but for fun at least. He said I wouldn't be good at it because I don't have a degree in writing. Plus, he said, "You really think you can write as well as authors?" and then kind of chuckled. It really hurts and makes me think he doesn't think I'm very smart of something. Why does he do this? If he ever has an idea, I am 100% supportive of him, even if I don't think it's a good idea. I wouldn't ever say so, because you never know about these things. So why is he like this to me? Anyone else have the same problems?

Answer 1

i think a lot of men do this. they feel threatened or jealous that they couldn't go and write novel. maybe he hates his job and really wants out but feels that he can't because he needs to support the family or something like that...

i say, just do it and show him.

Answer 2

I tend to agree with wifey, it can be a control issue. It limits your options. I had the opposite problem in my marriage.

My suggestion would be get your transcripts, get a course catalog and enroll for something. Don't even ask. It does no harm. One or two courses. not a full load. You don't really need to worry about a major or any of that right off, just get some prerequisites out of the way.

Then see how he reacts. You ought not to need his permission to go to school, even if you're married. There are good reasons to do this, like what if he became disabled, and needed you to take care of him? What if you had a child later on who had a medical problem that required more money than he makes? He should be able to figure that out for himself, but you may be smarter than he is. I don't know either of you. If he gets real mad, then he is being controlling, and that will show up in a lot of other issues that may be more painful. It's one thing to think something is a poor idea. It's a different one to try to block it.

Even the best of men will feel a little threatened by this. We are raised to believe we should be the breadwinners, and take care of the family. There are people who will look down on a man because his wife works, and they will let him know. Nothing can be done about that. Those people don't make your decisions, you do.

Men also sometimes fear this increases the chance you might leave, as you'll gain resources, options, and you'll be meeting people. His fears should not run your life any more than yours should run his. It might be worthwhile to ask him why he's against it. If all he can say is "you can't do it, you don't have the ability", that's bad. It's actually a form of verbal abuse (invalidation). If one kind of abuse works, it can lead to others later on.

These types of things affect both of you. It's not reasonable of him to put you in a position where you could end up 40-50, with children and debts possibly, and only able to earn minimum wage if he suddenly died. He may not approve, but a BIG argument is a sign of a problem between you. Keep in mind there will be issues, like who gets the car, or who picks up the laundry. Those will be there anyway.

When you discuss it, it's probably a good idea to stress you're talking about options that shouldn't be done away with hastily, and creating a few new ones, not huge changes in the near term. One person should not get to make all the decisions, or the other one will always end up miserable.

Answer 3

Of Course we do, Men like to keep us at bay, they do not want us doing better them then b/c then they would feel as though they are not needed.

By you being 100% supportive even when you are ot is in a wat of laying he ask you for your true opinion so start being honest! If your don;t think his ideas aren't good ones you should not lie and say you think they are when in truth you do not. He may even know this and be a bit upset b/c your are not being truethful about your opinions he may greatly value them and really need and want to hear the truth! We all can handle opinions and critisisim as long as it isn't done in an abusive manner.

Next time you get an idea don't go to him - you don't need his approval on things like this, just do it if you are serious about doing them and this may be why he has the attitude he does he may know your just talking and not serious about them later, maybe you never finish anything you start... If you already know what his attiude will be why ask just do it and see his reaction then and when he asks why you didn't talk to him about it first tell him why b/c yoyu knew he'd cut it down and not support you and your idea so there fore you no longer need to dicuss things youre just gonna do them from now on. Show him don't tell him, show him don't ask him. Even if he dowes cut down your ideas why do you let his words stop you from doing your dreams never let anyone make you feel less then what you are so what that he doesn't thing they're good ideas you do so just do them so you can say later told you so.

Your confidence and self esteem are low and he likes it this way! It makes himself feel superior. Build yourself up slowly he'll try harder to knock you don't but be strong and pick upself up everytime you fall and come back even stronger!

Answer 4

One word: Insecure

He is an as* and a sh*thead, but he probably doesn't realize how terrible he is making you feel or how condescending her is - sit him down and tell him that he makes you feel small and inferior when he puts down your ideas, and that you don't need him to sing your praises but you would like to think he loves you enough to be glad to help you try, even if you MIGHT fail.

Next time he has an idea, a good way to get into the conversation might be to say "What? You? Hah! You don't have a chance, you're no good at that kind of thing and it would be a joke." Pause, end then say, I just thought you might be curious about how you make me feel when I have ambitions ... then maybe he'll talk. :P

Answer 5

If his comments stop you then you clearly aren't motivated enough to do it.
If there is something you really want to do you do it PERIOD.
Your career, your choices. your actions are YOURS ALONE.
Anyone can find a thousand and one problems with anything. Its the few that offer solutions and keep moving ahead that I listen to. If you want to write then write. If you want to be a nurse become a nurse. To become what you want to be takes determination from no one, but yourself. Prove those who doubt you wrong.

I challenge everyone and every thing at first, but if I see determination I'm the first to offer my full support. You can not teach determination and if you have it anything can be done.

You are the only one that makes who you will become.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, he is either an emotional abuser (which you will learn later in life) or maybe in his twisted little way he's trying to spare you the feelings of inadequacy. If you start something like this, and you quit, you may feel discouraged about yourself. My husband does that too sometimes. Sometimes he'll stop me before I even finish telling him my plan. But he claims it's to either keep me from getting hurt when I fail or it's because he's seen me start many projects and quit before completion. Either way, it's hurtful, and for some reason, the men in our lives just don't know how to handle it. I say, do it anyway! To heck with him!

Answer 7

It sounds like your husband is jealous.
Your ambitions and goals are great and you should definately do them. If you believe in yourself anything is possible.

As I said, it sounds like your hubby is jealous because if you did do these things, you would be better than him and it would bruise his ego. As a result, he shoots you down.
The best way to counter this sort of negativity is to prove him wrong. Don't stop supporting him and his dreams, but don't let him stop you from going after your dreams!

My ex did this to me. He said I was too dumb to go to college, but in spite I went to prove that I was smart enough. I went back to college and got a 3.9 GPA and I got a dual degree in Crim justice and Psychology. I think pushed it farther by getting accepted to law school and getting a scholarship. Yes it was a lot of work, but I was NOT going to let this man tell me I was not good enough or not smart enough!

You can do it too! Just believe in yourself and look toward the finish line!!

Answer 8

He is afraid that you will change. I suffer from this a little bit, but I don't allow it to interfere with my relationship. Supporting your wife is necessary to having a sound marriage and family. The man's primary role as a husband or father is to lead by example. Hopefully when he notices your resolve and continued commitment with your aspirations, he will come around and participate in supporting you. That's what husbands supposed to do.

Answer 9

He might feel threatened by your motivation to move up. Some guys feel that their wife should not outdo/outrank them. I said some. It would be so much easier of a life if couples support each other. Thats a perfect world.

Talk to him about it and tell him how you feel whenever he douses on your dreams. See how he reacts.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Your husband is very negative, perhaps jealous of your potential success and/o insecure about you being successful and losing you.

Go for whatever you want and don't tell him. BTW, you don't need to be good at math or be a nurse or radiologist; you need to be good at sciences (chemistry and biology).