Once a cheater always a cheater?

Question

about 2 months ago i started dating a divorced woman. She divorced because she cheated on her husband and then stayed with the man she cheated on him with for a year. This past Christmas, they broke up. Now, she tells me that she stays in contact with both her EX's. She also said that she was over him and that she rarely talked to him. And the man (we'll call him Tom) she cheated on her husband with, one night, about 1 month ago, text her while we were in bed together and she answer the text in front of me, at 11:30PM. She wouldn't tell me who it was at first, but i found out by looking over her shoulder as she was deleting the text to him she sent. I freaked and she "that was very disrespectful to do that"...and she agreed and we had a fight and i shouldv'e walked out but we talked things out. 3 days later he called at 12:00AM and she didn't pick it up to answer.

Why would he be calling or texting unless they still talk on some level. or he is looking for “something” from her that late at night?….Again, I freaked and said, why is he calling you this late? And she said she can’t control when he calls and I agreed. HOWEVER!!!, this is the same guy she cheated on her ex hubby with and she said she was friends with him before the cheating and stayed friends after. Now I don’t talk to any of my ex’s but not to say talking to them is bad because you can still be friends in some cases. She also has a ton of guy friends, but this guy Tom is different given the situation. How good of a person can he be knowing he was screwing a girl who had a hubby, ya know? What are his intentions NOW??? And why is she answering the text but didn’t pick up the phone to talk to him if she has nothing to hide.

Since these incidents, I noticed she turns her phone to silent at night when we sleep now and, stopped guarding her phone, like she did in the beginning. I also asked her on 3 sep. occasions to remove his # because it bothered me that it was still in her phone given her past with him and she put up a huge STINK each time I asked her and it wasn’t until the 4th time I asked that she did. The very next day she put BOTH her ex-hubby and Tom’s names back in the phone.

I don’t have a problem with her EX-hubby being that he has moved on and is having a baby with someone else, but Tom has got to go. I also had a hunch she called Tom and after the, again, a “4th” time asking her, she admitted she called him to get a home made DVD of a concert that she was at and happened to be on the DVD and wanted it back after asking him to make a copy of it for her a long time ago.

“Is this an excuse to call him?!!!”

During all this, she really gets enraged and bothered by me asking her to remove the numbers each time. She says screaming that she loves me and wants to start a life with me.

…again, I asked her to take the numbers out a 5th time and she still fought, saying that she was “losing” a part of herself if she removed them and that she is over her ex’s but not what she did to her ex hubby (meaning the cheating). I still don’t know if she removed the numbers again, but the thing is, for some weird reason, she changed her primary email address the very next day after our fight recently. Given everything I have said in short, should I be worried that she might be doing something behind my back or still has an emotional attachment to these other guys? Now this TOM guy, she used to work with, and only lives 2 miles from her job. She also gets texts and calls sometimes and won’t answer them STILL.

Again, should I be worried she might do something behind my back? I am with her 7 days a week and I spend every night with her. M-T 7-8PM to 5AM and then F-7-8PM through until Monday morning, all weekend. When does she have time to cheat?...or is she just keeping her options open or is it that once a cheater always a cheater?

Sorry for this being so long, but i fanyone can shed some light on all this, please help...i truly care about her and want things to work out and i am just trying to get a better understanding on how to handle this....thanks!!!

Answer 1

tell her she needs to decide between him and you ...IF she has to be "friends"with him then I would not stay with her...I would tell her if you want to be with him then go to him don`t do it while your with me ...you two are not married ,maybe she gets off on cheating on men that's why she with you and not him

Answer 2

You are putting more into this relationship than she is. She is definitely keeping backup's in case you don't work out and she may have some thrill about sneaking around. All in all why should you be with a woman who isn't putting as much into the relationship as you are? The Respect, Trust, and the Loving part is not there and that does not make a relationship last. She has no respect for you by talking with another man first of all and certainly not one whom she cheated with in the past on her Ex. Why wouldn't she do that to you? She has already proved she can't be trusted.She was talking to him in text while you were in bed together so right there goes the trust. And the loving part is what you don't feel while you doubt everything about the relationship because she makes it that way. What is she willing to give you to make you feel secure and loved? Nothing. She is afraid to erase what she could pick back up on when needed anytime she wants. Your convenient right now, she is using you for the moment. Seems like she is always lookin for the next best thing. She wants to do as she pleases without caring how it may affect you. So find someone your free to love and trust...it feels a whole lot better than what your going through now. You know she wouldn't put up with you doing these same things with other women so put the smack down! Good Luck and hope you wise up!

Answer 3

You have a real problem here. If she cheated while she was married, it would be nothing for her to do it while she's dating someone. If she turned her phone to silent so you don't know when someone is calling her, she's trying to hide it. You should run and never look back. She still has huge issues with letting go. She does not want to start a life with you if she can't stop talking to another person. She has complete control of you calls her. She can tell that person to stop, she can refuse to answer the phone when he calls, she can have her number changed. There are a ton of things she can do to stop her behavior...she doesn't want to.

Answer 4

Hey man your question is real long.. but i read the beginning and i didn't see why to finished reading it when the first paragraph just told me that your in the wrong relationship.. I mean this woman is definitely trouble,you better get out while you can.. don't invest your feelings on this sour relationship, she is a cheater true enough and she will do this to you, in fact she is already showing signs of cheating by answering texts from her ex in front of you the only reason she didn't answer the 12 o' clock call is because she saw you got upset and got in to an argument, who knows if she called him up later and talked to him.. Please don't put your self trough this.. she is a dead end.. get out is my advice.. good luck.

Answer 5

She admitted right off that he remains her friend. You excepted this then, and should remain doing so.
BUT she is keeping him around because he's giving her "things" that your not. There's all the time in the world to cheat when you really want to.

How about stepping back from the relationship for a bit and see what transpires from it? IF you find that it's a lost cause, at least you'll see this being away from her texts and phone.

Yes, once a cheat, always a cheat.

Answer 6

A moment of weakness that results in a one-time indiscretion that a person carries to their grave and deals with the guilt rather than burdening their partner is not likely to cheat again....

On the other hand, it's a character issue for those who do it repeatedly. Selfish, insecure people who want to have the security of a relationship and the excitement of "someone" new...they will not likely change, barring an act of God.

I think this person falls into item number 2. Unless you have a messiah complex and want to try to "save" her from herself, leave her to her trifling ways.

Answer 7

I would not say this. I have been married for 16 years and have never cheated. I don't believe in cheating. But I am about too. There is always that first time.That does not mean that it continues, situations are different. So you can't base one person's faults with another. All people are different.

Answer 8

Dude. STOP!

We get it. You're insecure. And you have every right to be.

She isn't cheating, she's living an open lifestyle! Open your eyes, you're not the only man in her life. If you're cool with sharing your GF with others, then stay with her. If not, run for the hills and delete her number from your celly cuz she is never giving up Tom.

Answer 9

Dude seriously quit kidding yourself....She's keeping her options open, and Ill tell you it's not good to be spending all your time with her...She was married when she cheated, so im sure she wont care if shes dating someone. Do yourself a favor and save yourself some time and self respect, end this thing you'll feel better mentally because it wont be driving you crazy. Good Luck man.

Answer 10

Spare us the novel.

You know the answer to this question already, or you wouldn't be on here. If you'd used your brain instead of your pecker when getting involved with someone like this, you would not be in the situation in the first place. Time to dump her and move on to someone more mature and appropriate. Good luck!

Answer 11

in some cases that is true,but in this case from what i read they probably just remained friends but thinking you might be jealous decided to talk to him when you were not around.most women hide male friends not because there cheating but because there boy friends cant handle them talking to another guy.don't worry so much if she wanted the other guy she would have stayed with him. good luck