your heart is racing,you feel the cold of the steel against your hand
thoughts are running through your head,trying to think,think of somthing,anything
looking for reasons.finding only bleeding and bruises
trying to feel,looking for love and finding only emptyness
your mind goes back to the present,your heart feels like its going to come out of your chest
you reach for the trigger,you look back upon the past
the heartache,the pain,
it's to late to go back now,whats done is done
the past is unchangable....
and your head tells you "pull the trigger" and your heart stops
2007-08-02 21:11:53 · 5 answers · asked by katey 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
you need to spellcheck that
2007-08-02 22:33:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is just a bunch of gobbledygook- it isn't a poem -
poems aren't outpouring of words or feelings or anything. this is garbage. I"m trying to be nice, but it's terrible.
a poem is like a snapshot of a moment like taking a picture of a moment.
her weapon's pointed at his head
shaking, sweating, shaking, nervous
my hand twitches, she blinks, I look
he's there, he's scared - she looks
her hand shakes more, thinking faster
her heart beats faster, and faster, and faster
looking at him
looking at me
looking at the gun
up and down
faster and faster
will she do it?
she gives him a sneer
and decides to pull the trigger
her heart stops and she falls down dead
I'm not sure I accomplished this - but what I"m trying to show you - is that you are trying to sit back and describe an event using words. like you are taking a picture. Most likely it didn't really accomplish what I intended, but look at the structure and compare to yours. It doesn't have to be perfect, and mine is not, but it focuses on one event, where yours is all over the place.
please do not use my writing for your assignment or for any other purpose without my permission.
2007-08-03 05:40:18 · answer #2 · answered by art_flood 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Very powerful. I don't care whether it doesn't rhyme or whatever. This is an expression of emotion and I like it.
2007-08-03 07:00:42 · answer #3 · answered by darth_atlanta 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow its really deep. You can feel the wordz az u read em
2007-08-03 04:16:15 · answer #4 · answered by KaVaGiRL 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very good, you really captured it.
2007-08-03 04:19:42 · answer #5 · answered by Jules or Juliet 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋