husband and family problems?

Question

ok...i love my side of the family..
bfore i met him, i would go over to my families' house all the time and we just show up whenever we want. my house or theirs...we'll do laundrys at each others houses when we visit or whatever..it's all ok with us.
now that i'm married, my hubby(peter) doesn't like it when they come over or anything. he's always giving me excuses that his too tired for company, which i understand at times..but everytime they want to come over? i have children from a preivious marrige..and when they come over he'll give me all this excues too, that he don't want them over too much or blaa, blaa, blaaaa...a few times my kids came over to do laundry and he told them they can't do laundry at our house anymore...i was so mad but i let it go.2 days ago my younger sis came over to ask me to help her with something..he told her he doesn't want her or anyone asking me to do things for them anymore, cuz they should do it themself.i am so frustrt with peter..Help!!

Oh yes, i've talked to him already..still more excuses. nothing solid..my family tried included him..he always tell them he is busy or too tired. trust me, my family tired to be friend with him alredy too. especially my brothers. I'm thinkin i should leave him, but we have to little ones. i'm so sad. today i talked to him and told him how important my family is to me. they would love him more only if he would be more friendly with them. but he is not. they come over he goes to his room. they asked him to play games with us, he said his not into games...he does have a family but they are not close. hardly visit each other ever. i've invited them over but they always have excuses not to come too.. becuz peter and his family had a few words 5yrs ago. i am so mad at him i just want to leave..but my two kids??

Answer 1

I can see your point of view and his. He comes from a family that wasen't really close and they pretty much do everything for themselves. He looks at it kind of like they are using the two of you. You however come from a really close familly, you probably dont even have to knock on the door when you go to their house. If they need a favor, than you are the first to respond. This is the same cituation me and my husband have. The only way I found to deal with it is, just visit your family, or have them visit you while he is at work. I mean my family dosent really care if they see him or not, as long as they see me and my son. My siser does her laundry here while my husband is at work. It has worked out pretty good so far. Good luck.

Answer 2

This is definitely something that you guys need to discuss. While he may not have been close and active with his family...you are. So he needs to be considerate of your needs too.

....Here is my suggestion in solving the problem...Make a schedule let him know what days you want spend time with your family...That way he can't "visualize" it.
For instance.. if 2 days out of the week you want to have your sis come over for laundry.. let's say Mon & Wed ....etc. and give him a time frame Then he can't complain saying you "always" spend time. He will know and thus have no questions....This will weed out whether or not he is truly controlling. If he considers the schedule then great that means he is willing to work with you if there is a PLAN some men are like this. Can't see until it's mapped out ...lol

If he doesn't THEN he is controlling he just wants to control you...reconsider this relationship.

Answer 3

It's time to have a talk with Peter. There are two people in this marriage, only one is Peter. So maybe it's time to sort out life plans, his and yours. What does he anticipate for the future of the two of you, where to live, what do do, when to retire, how to retire, where, etc. What are your thoughts about the future of the two of you? Talk about it. Sounds like he doesn't have a family or if he does, he isn't connected to them. He may feel like an outsider, for whatever reason. It may be that if you talk with your kids, your sister, and the rest of your family, they can start making a point of including Peter in their lives. Call him on occasion, ask his advice, ask him for help, include him in their lives. Make Peter feel he is part of the extended family. You might investigate Peter's family and see if you can get them involved also. But try getting your family to involve Peter. And try talking with him about what he sees in the future for both of you. Good luck.

Answer 4

It can be hard to blend two people's lives, when they were raised to expect different things.
In your case your family is close, and you are used to everyone popping in and out at leisure. Your husband probably came from a different family environment, where you only get together at the big celebrations, Christmas, New Year, or whatever. Or maybe his family was quite small, and they didn't see a lot of other people.
My family was like his, and my husband's like yours. So I know what your going through.
To me, my "family" was my husband and kids, with the occasional visit from/to a relative. To me, our home was supposed to be a private place, just for us.
His idea was almost daily contact with his family, who would come into our home, without knocking, and unexpectedly. He needed them close in his life.
But through the years, I have come to see his family as part of my own, and he's not seeing them as often as we did at the start. Now, 23 years married, we have found a place that gives us each a little of what we want. We adapted, with a little give and take, and have come to see where the other was coming from.
Either way, you two have to learn to give a little. You have to learn to be both your own family, and part of the bigger one. Compromise. That's what is needed for harmony.

Answer 5

I really can understand the issue here. He is really not into such family gatherings because he is not having such events with his own family and this could be the real reason.
I suggest that you stop your family members coming to your house but you continue visiting your family and also explain the reason for it to your family.
Hope that with time, your husband will come to his senses.

Good Luck

Answer 6

I can understand about the family coming over, but YOUR kids, ok he has to stop with that. those are YOUR kids.. speak up to him and let him know how you feel or your kids are gonna be upset with you.. Let him know how much you are hurt by this and that you understand why he is this way but family means a lot to you and if he can't understand that then he needs to figure it out, and not to tell YOUR kids what they can and can't do. don't let him walk all over you. Tell him to stop making excuses and be happy that you have such a great family like that.sounds to me but i am not an expert but that he is Jealous of your relationships with your family.. BE STRONG!! great families last forever, dont let him ruin it! good luck...

Answer 7

What you need to do is address the issue with Family Counselling. There are under lying issues here - more than just, acceptance of your family ! Good luck to you .

Answer 8

Peter is behaving like a child and you are treating him like his mother... your response perpetuates that game he is playing. He obviously doesn't realise he is being childish. Wake him up.

Answer 9

When Peter maried you, he took on your family too - he has absolutely no right to tell you who you can and can't see, what you can do, or have over at your home, ESPECIALLY your children.

He has no right to isolate you, that is abusive and controlling behavior.

Tell him it is either marriage counseling, or you are going to consider separation.

Answer 10

D-I-V-O-R-C-E Peter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now he is controlling who comes over, and next he will be controlling where you go... After that it will be what you wear and then you won't even recognize yourself. Leave him and count on your family and friends for support. If you stay, you will lose them all and yourself along the way.