What is your new opinion?

Question

I changed my 4th Stanza form my fist draft and would like to hear what you have to say.

I have an idea for a title as well, but if you would like to contribute....

As you travel on the path
You are not alone
For a barrier has been drawn
That time in moments will stall

Neither true night nor true day
Will ever prevent me
Returning once again
To my full glory.

As the dusk of night falls
Return to the path of normality
I will be there
Though not in clarity.

For in the moments that swiftly pass
Look close you may see
Released dreams awaken to reality
Knowing I am truly free

Set upon for a moment
Hidden as the sun controls
Not fearing for knowing
As the moon takes her hold

For twice rising
Then twice falling
Always in full glory
I am all

Passing again
Times wasteful friend
Returning again
The marrows end.

word edit - (sp) form to from

Answer 1

I like your poems, but the first stanza of this one leaves me confused. I'm not sure how you get from "you are not alone" to "for a barrier has been drawn that time in moments will stall"...? this is not like you...are there a few missing lines? How does having a barrier make you not alone, especially one that has been drawn in time that in moments will stall?...I'm not even sure what that means.

Your second stanza's uneven meter is created by the first line..too many beats and the last syllable of "glory" is not an upbeat like "me" was...check it out again.

The poem moves on and I see where I think you were going with this...but it isn't one of your best. I'd suggest you start over. It's just my opinion, and I'm sure others will disagree, but you need to edit pretty much every stanza and line. ...the marrows end? You can do better than this, and you usually do. I suspect you had a good vision of what you wanted to write, put something down to capture it, then posted before you had a good chance to go over it. I'd work on it a little while longer. Picture what you want to say, picture a beginning and an end, and what you need to do to draw a straight line between the two. I'd love to see the rewrite.

keep writing

Answer 2

Its nice.

It seems to flow a little better than you first post, but something in your last stanza leaves me a little flat

Is this a second draft?

Keep writing.

Answer 3

I think it's lovely. And I still think you should title it "I Am All"