How many believe "once a cheater always a cheater?"?

Question

I have been in a two year "toxic" relationship with a man that has two sides to his personality. He has a huge fan club, mostly women, and they think he is a wonderful sweet man. I believe he is addicted to the pursuit of women or can't stand to be alone for a second or is a sex addict. This has caused many fights and always results with him doing it again because I end things - he calls his "girls", texts, posts personal ads, instantly - all the while calling me and begging and saying every sweet promise under the sun - in particular that he is not talking to anyone else - I love him still and always always resume our relationship - only to find the evidence of his girl chasing which starts the whole cycle over and over and over. He has cheated with at least one of these "friends" - unless you don't call it cheating if he texts to you first "I'm breaking the vows" just before going for dinner and a hotel. He admits now to a prob and wants therapy - can he change?? Should I run?

Answer 1

dont run you will only make thibgs worse. once a cheater always a cheater.. not quite true if the girl belives it true love she will give you another chance. it always takes a second time to make things right. but you care alot for her dont do it again

Answer 2

Look at the situation this way: You know his habits, and although you may love him you stated that you also "believe he is addicted to the pursuit of women or can't stand to be alone for a second or is a sex addict." And you have to realize in every signle fight you have in the future even if he may change your opinion of him will always be the same. You will say to yourself "He used to be this way, now he is different..." And then realize that he very well might not be different. He is actually still the same man.

Even if he loves you, he doesn't respect you enough to shape up and set things right. All of a sudden he is ready to get therapy, and I think thats very brave but - I also think you two should seperate and see where it takes you. If in a few weeks or a month, or a few months even, he contacts you and says "I am not the same man, I am finally ready to come back to you." Then you can have dinner, and see if he really has changed. If not, you should be able to tell, and you will know where his priorities lie.

Now, there is nothing wrong with supporting him - You pretty much have to at this point, right? Keep in mind that loving him and supporting him - And keeping your distance as a friend and watching his progress, are the same thing and you can certainly do that for him.

Answer 3

I don't necessarily believe once a cheater always a cheater because I think sometimes guys (and girls too) make a mistake or 2 when they're young and then they realize that they're going to lose everything if they continue. Your man sounds different. He even thinks he has a problem and wants therapy. That's a pretty good clue that he's saying this will continue to be a problem. Even with therapy what are the chances that he'll stop immediately and never do it again. The only way I would give someone like this another chance (although I probably wouldn't give him another chance) is to say fine you go without while you're in therapy if you can stay in therapy and not break your commitment to me for 1 yr or whatever amount of time, then I will give it one more chance. Honestly you probably need to go to therapyas well because being with someone like this is so messed up that it tends to take a toll on you. I probably wouldn't give him another chance but there's my advice I hope it helps

Answer 4

My belief is that some people cheat because they can't commit, they don't know how, it wasn't instilled in them as a child. Other people cheat because something is lacking in the relationship. Cheating doesn't have as much to do with sex as you might think. It's more of a connection. If you have been cheated on, you most definitely have the right to determine the course of the relationship. If you chose to continue the relationship you have to find a way to forgive that person and to do that you have to find out what was wrong in the first place that caused that person to stray. 9 times out of 10 there is something besides sex that the person went looking for, it's just that sex is a bi product of cheating. So I say, typically, once a cheater, doesn't always mean always a cheater.

Answer 5

You should break things off, wait until he has been in therapy for at least 6 months AND he has remained alone during this time. If he cannot take therapy seriously and learn to be monogamous than just walk away forever. You will just be in a drama filled relationship with him unless he proves to you that he has changed. Everytime he cheats you are sleeping with 100's of others, you know that scenario. If he has been this way the entire 2 years of your relationship do you really think that he wants to change? Who brought up the counseling/therapy? Him? As another excuse to get you to come back, again? Tell him to put his money where his mouth is! You deserve way better and if you back away and stay away you will find someone who will treat you better. Learn your lesson and stay away from the bad boy/players!

Answer 6

I think once the pattern starts and they get away with it they will continue. He knows you will get over it and has no fear of really losing you! He could be a sex addict but you could also be addicted to the relationship! I would get counseling so that someone could help me understand why I stay and take this emotional abuse from this man. He is not good relationship material because there is no trust about him and with his philandering ways could be a walking STD waiting to explode. He is unsafe and can't be counted on to stay faithfull to probably no one. A person can't change if they don't want to and he seems to enjoy his life just the way it is. He can have you when he desires to do so and keep his fan club to. I would move on in my life without him because love isn't always enough.......you will never find a stable relationship in him because he knows what he wants and is content with himself. He is use to having his way with women and believes he is special. You know how he really is the other women do not. He is toxic to you and you deserve better than this. He manipulates you with sweet promises knowing he can control you. If it were me I could be just as miserable without him as I could be with him. If I am without him the one possible thing that could come from it would be that I would be available for someone to be in my life that really could love me and treat me right. You are worth more than he can give to you. Please take care and break away from this heartache in your life.

Answer 7

You have couple choices. Run if you don't want anymore headache and to be an unstable relationship. Stay if you think it's entertaining to live with a guy who has low self esteem and always relies on women to validate his worthiness. He obviously needs attention. You, alone will not be able to provide it. He needs more than one women at a time.

You even said you've been in a 2year toxic relationship. You already know what the answer is.

Seems to me that he's wired this way. He'll never change.

Answer 8

I absolutely believe that people can change, but if a person has cheated once he/she is more likely to cheat again. All you can do is slowly rebuild trust, but I know myself personally there would always be a small part of me that would fear a repeat of the past.

For your situation, it doesn't seem like he really wants to change. He seems to be telling you what you want to hear because he knows you're his safe place and you'll always be there. It's not healthy for you or him to stay in a relationship like this. It's ultimately up to you, but I would end the relationship... perhaps help him as a friend get into therapy. I hope for him that he can really change, but I think his chance of a lasting relationship with you has come and gone.

Answer 9

I only believe a cheater can reform if and when they choose to do so themself. I wasn't always a cheater, but after my second relationship I became one. I thought I was too young to commit and that I shouldn't have had to. But after feeling like sh*t when I cheated repeatedly over the course of a 2 year relationship, I decided that I don't have to be in a relationship. If I'm single, I'm not cheating. So this guy has to come to that conclusion on his own. Cheating doesn't make him a bad person; it makes him a selfish and careless person who lacks self control. If he wants to change and get therapy, let him, but don't hold your breath waiting for the moment for him to become what you want. It may never happen, or it may happen later than you can wait for. Best of luck to you, and I wish you a happy and healthy relationship in the future.

Answer 10

If you have no ties you should run and never look back. You didn't say if you were married or not or if you had kids they will change what i would do if he really loves you why does he keep the girls on the line he would focus on you unless your just his back up. He sounds like a player. You can only change 1 person in this world and that's you. He will only change if he wants to. yes he says he will but what else is he going to say yeah i have a problem but I'm not going to change because its fun? He has the fun chasing the girls wont give it up keeping you on the line is part of the game. he gets to have fun and you get to pay for it he gets the pleasure you get the pain why allow him to keep doing that.

Answer 11

Dont believe the fairy tales, hun. He wants his cake and to eat it too, you deserve better than that and there are plenty of good men out there that would cherish you for YOU. When I fell in love with my girlfriend, there was no one I wanted to think about like that again. I have never cheated on her or thought about it. When I was in toxic relationships, I wasnt serious about my girl I was with and did the things you mention in your post. I didnt want to be faithful, but just like the song by shaggy, "hey love"

Hey love can I get a rain check
Just 25 I'm not ready yet
Hey love let's make a deal
Give me some time I got a few hearts to steal
Hey love got more grounds to gain
Can't get stuck with a ball and a chain
Hey love I need to be sure
Come back and see me in two years or more

It is nice to have your love on the side, while he sows his oats elsewhere.
Believe me, the man that deserves the love you probably give him is out there and will return the love with a love you only dream about. You should NEVER doubt the love of the man you will be happy for the rest of your life with, if you doubt, you are only wasting your time giving and giving, and giving....... what are you getting??????