My Beloved
Across the endless sea you've gone,
Across to Heaven's shore.
I cannot feel your silken touch,
I'll see your face no more.
For now I'll miss you next to me,
And have for several years.
My sorrow that you're gone from me,
Has caused me many tears.
I miss the way you looked at me,
I miss your nose so cute.
I miss the sunlight in your hair,
I sometimes feel I'm mute.
The years I had, so fleeting few,
To gather next to me,
The memories of a lifetime,
So in my mind I'd see.
The sparkles in your eyes so blue,
The golden hair so fine,
The perfumed scent I loved so much,
When you were only mine.
I must stay here, yet, for a time,
But there will come a day,
When I will meet you by the gate,
And then with each we'll stay.
No more to part, nor turn our backs,
Our spirits will entwine.
As one we'll spend eternity,
For you I'll cease to pine.
2007-08-02 12:22:52 · 6 answers · asked by Dondi 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
yes, sad, but sadness always makes beautiful poetry.
2007-08-02 12:35:48 · update #1
It was I who was lucky.
2007-08-02 14:08:06 · update #2
A beautiful poem, well written and with pretty consistent meter and rhyme.
Stanza 3, line 4...try, "sometimes I feel I'm mute" or "Sometimes I'm almost mute" This would change the last line so it wasn't as predictable by moving "I" into the phrase instead of at the beginning of it.
Look at line 4 in stanza 5 and consider "truly" instead of "only"..."only" works, but it implies that now she belongs to someone else "and" you, whereas "truly" would imply that she was more than just a memory, that she was physically, spiritually, and mentally yours.
The next stanza, again, fourth line, "and then with each we'll stay"...perhaps, "where together forever we'll stay", or "when reunited forever we'll stay".
and finally...too good to pass up, consider revision of the last line where "pine" seems a little archaic...try, "When again, you'll truly be mine"
Whether you choose to edit as I've recommended or not, your poem is a lovely one and a very heartfelt one indeed.
May all your poems know such heart
2007-08-05 19:12:06 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I have goosebumps. The lady you speak of was lucky to have known such a love even if for a brief time
2007-08-02 20:21:20 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
beautiful but sad
2007-08-02 19:31:49 · answer #3 · answered by Cheshire Princess 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a beautiful soul you have.
2007-08-02 19:28:46 · answer #4 · answered by Dragonmistress 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thank you. It is really beautiful.
2007-08-02 19:28:41 · answer #5 · answered by kickinupfunf 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, made me cry, it was very pretty, sounds like you loved someone very very much , and that kind of love is so hard to find,
just beautiful.. great job......... :)))))))
2007-08-02 20:03:28 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋