Please rate this poem 1-100 as harsh as possible and give the most detailed criticism, thanks so much!?

Question

“Son of a Witch”

All in a haste come a flurry of hits
Like a pile of falling pissed off bricks
The expected eruptions cause explosion
Inventing fear from concrete devotion
With constant tremor inside his head
His panic stirs his conscious dead
As the trembles settle, realizes too late
He’s the earthquake maker, dealt unlucky fate

Lying on the floor in his own disgust
A moment after a clashing thrust
The dizziness drowning out her full intent
There’s nothing left but the smell of resent
Lazily twitching like a thirsty sunfish
Hopeless like a puppy near a vacant dish
He’s eight years old and mom’s enemy
The carpet stain was her last memory

Answer 1

You sacrifice too much for a forced rhyming scheme and a lot of the imagery seems contrived.

You get a 60, for at least you had the courage to present it for such harsh assessment

Answer 2

You asked for honesty...I hope you're ready for it. The concept of the poem is good, the execution of it...not so good. You get a 40, here's why:

"All in a haste come a flurry of hits"...and that means? "all in a haste"? That's not the same as "all of a sudden" or "suddenly"..what was in "a haste"? a flurry of hits? nope, try again.

"Like a pile of..." I won't even go there. Your expression is unsuitable for the context of the poem. Find another adjective that better describes inanimate bricks...and no, personification of the bricks is not a good enough reason.

"The expected eruptions cause explosion"? what? if you'd said, "the expected eruptions come as explosions" I might have said, "okay", but not "cause"...that's like saying "my expected chewing cause bite"

"Inventing fear from concrete explosion"? Inventing fear? I think fear's been around a long time and it was never "invented"..."inspiring"? maybe, but not inventing. "concrete devotion"? whew...you're stretching it for the sake of rhyme.

"with constant tremor..." a tremor is a single motion..if you mean that they continue, then they are "tremors".

"his panic stirs his conscious dead"...I think you mean "conscience" or "consciousness"; "conscious" is the opposite of "unconscious"...which makes this a meaningless sentence as written.

"As the trembles settle, realizes too late" trembles? "tremors", and "he realizes too late"

"...dealt unlucky fate"? what's that mean? Do you mean the kid has been dealt an unlucky fate, or that he deals unlucky fate for others?...again, I think you forced the rhyme and lost the clarity of the meaning.

"a moment after a crashing thrust"...a crashing thrust? again, the forced rhyme lost the meaning.

"...the smell of resent"...sorry, but "resent" doesn't have a smell, it's a verb..."resentment" is a noun, but it doesn't rhyme as well...again, rhymes need to work, not just rhyme.

"lazily twitching like a thirsty sunfish"...you've already got input on this one.

"hopeless like a puppy near a vacant dish"...vacant? was someone living there before? "empty" is not the same a "vacant", no matter what you may think the dictionary says.

Why is he "mom's enemy"? What has he done? and why was the carpet stain "her" last memory?

Your poem has potential, but it's all over the place, perhaps because you wanted it to rhyme, maybe because you thought it was better that way...I don't know, but your main intent in any poem should be comminicating the image in your head so that others see it too...I don't think you accomplished that here.

You've got a good imagination...try again.

Answer 3

You try to rhyme too much! This pattern isn't working for you because the imagery you've forced yourself to use doesn't make sense. Sunfish are quite large-they don't twitch. conscious dead? that doesn't make sense. Why not dread? Trembles? What is that about? Try tremor. Is a puppy near an empty dish really hopeless? Maybe helpless but not hopeless. The puppy wouldn't remain by the empty dish unless he was hoping someone would fill it.

Otherwise, I get the gist and that's pretty heavy. I give you a 50 because I don't think you really tried. I think you just wanted something angry and rhyming and so you threw this up. You should think of every single word's meaning or possible meaning. Every word should be perfect or it's trash.

Answer 4

Whoa. Catchy title. You get 50/100 just for attempting poetry. Another 10 for originality. Another 10 for entertaiment value. So that's 70/100.

The thread is all over the place and the string seems to have broken somewhere in the carpet. Your train of thought left my brain sitting at the station without a ticket.

Keep writing.