If husband doesn't find you attractive does that mean he's:?

Question

Selfish and/or a jerk? and if he can't find you attractive then maybe you shouldn't be married, even though you get along and have one kid together?

I'm 25 years old and married to a man that doesn't find me attractive anymore, Are we both just wasting our time and selling ourself short of REALLY being happy with someone else. I'm tired of the negative effects it's having on me and my low self esteem due to being rejected and ignored.

I really would appreciate it if you would not put negative comments, I already feel like sh*t about myself as it is.

zimmiesgrl...

I have talked to him about it thousand of times. I realize that I am not what I was when we were 15. But I am a women now and I have had a child. SO to answer you honestly, I am a little bigger then when we got together (about 20-30lbs). I know I need to loose it and work on it to make our marriage better, but I don't want to just do it for HIM. I want to do it for myself.

I appreicate your input. Thank you!

he told me himself that he didn't find my physically attractive anymore. He is never mean to me about it but never is intimate either. It's about once every few weeks. I know for a fact that he is not having an affair (won't go into detail ,it would take too long).

Answer 1

This must be extremely painful for you and I am so sorry to read what you wrote. Just reading it makes me sad too. Please ignore that silly first response, it is not an answer. It made me angry to read such an insensitive response. I just fail to understand why people even bother responding if they don't have somthing positive to say or at least not be abusive.

I must qualify my response to you know where I am coming from. I have been in a long term marriage, who passed away, then remarried to my current husband. I know about long term committed relationships, and I just wanted you to know I have experiance in this area, that I am not just talking out my behind.

Relationships go through stages. Things are always in flux, changing rather like a tide, ebbing and flowing, again and again. Attraction can be affected by many different things which can be occurring within the relationship. We are not always attracted to our mates, nor do we even always like our mates. However, we always love them, unless we have allowed things to get so out of hand that the love just dies.

If we turn outside of our marriage to fix a marital problem, only more serious problems will result. There are not any marital answers to be found outside of the marriage. Seeing a marriage counselor is different, as that person is an impartial third party who helps couples reconnect, or get past some difficulty or help a couple grow within the marriage. So, a counselor is not turning outside of a marriage for help.

I am not saying you two need a counselor, only that it can help and there isn't anything wrong with seeing one if you both think it would help.

As I was saying we are not always attracted to our spouses. We go through different stages. However, if we are not prepared for these periods we can react poorly and act out in ways which can kill the relationship. So, it is important to know and understand that these times will come. What is also important is to know that attraction can be rekindled. Attraction isn't something that just completely dies out, unless the love has completely died out. Attaction can be muted, or even seemingly gone, but it is really just damped down, for one reason or another.

Depending upon how long this has been going on there are many things you can do to help rekindle the attraction and romance of your marriage. First, having a new child is one of the most dampening of attraction within a couple within a marriage. If your child is older now and the attraction still hasn't gotten back on tract then this is something that perhaps a counselor could help with.

However, work, stress, grief, and many other life situations can dampen attraction and reduce libido in any person. It can last a short period or a long period. When you notice that this is occuring talking it out is very important. Try to focus on the reason and not taking it too personal is important.

If you two are getting along, are still friends, still showing other signs of a committed relationship, then this is something you can get past. Don't throw in the towl over a rough spot in your marriage. Don't throw in the towl when things become difficult. Marriage is hard, it is work, and unless you wish to go from relationship to relationship, then work on this one until you know for sure that it is truly well and over before jumping ship.

We go into relationships without really knowing how to actually be in a marriage. We have idealized notions of what it will be like, and when our ideals are not lived up to we feel rather bereft and let down. Worse, our society tends to want immediant gratification, and we run at first signs of trouble instead of sticking around to work through the hard parts. All relationships are difficult, but marriage is the most difficult of all.

The reason marriage is the hardest is because we have to really be who we are, we have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and take down our protective masks. We peel away our masks, rather like the layers of an onion, and the danger is that familarity breeds contempt. What I mean is that the more we expose, the more another knows our bad parts along with our good and sometimes those eventually get used against us regardless of how well we are loved. When this happens it can put a real damper on romance and attraction. When a spouse sees us in all our naked glory, and by this I mean our full personality, quirks and all, there are going to be things that they don't care for much.

Unconditonal love is when we love somebody for the good in them and in spite of the bad. However, we have to first come to grips with the bad. lol After the honeymoon is over, our rose colored glasses come off, and all the things we use to think cute now bug the heck out of us, or irritate us to end. We have to embrace these irritations and get past them, accept them for who they are, and then the reasons we were attracted in the first place will be the more visable. We tuck away the irritants and foucs again on the things we like the most. We become more protective of those we love, really love, and while it is ok for us to commit on what we think is irritating, by goodness don't let anyone else do it!! You know what I mean!

I think it is way to soon to give up on your marriage. You have a third person to be concerned with here too, not just you and your husband. Your child deserves your very best at helping to save your marriage. There is no better gift to give our children than a happy marriage.

Go on some dates with your husband. Put on something pretty, flirt, and just be the two of you. Help give him reasons to remember why he found you attractive in the first place. If your body has changed since the birth of your child, remind him it changed from giving him his child, and that he should love every inch of your body changes and all. Changes from birth are hard earned battle scars from bringing forth life, and they are not repulisive, but beautiful. Giving life is beautiful. This is his child your body sheltered and fought to bring forth, and he should appreciate that.

We also have a romatized version of what women should look like these days. Skinny may be "in", but it is not healty. Women are not intended to be skin and bones. They are meant to have curves and be soft.

With all that said, if your husbnad is one of those asinine men who seem to think only skinny is beautiful, and expect a woman who has given birth to lose all the weight the first year, or all of it at all, (it is normal for women to not lose ten pounds of pregnancy weight for each child born! See how hard we work to get it off? Any woman who can keep off all but ten/twenty pounds after more than three children is a wizard of starvation or one who use to be considered poor. Only a hundred years ago women who were skinny were unattractive because only poor women were skinny as they couldn't afford enough food to get proper curves. Watch Fiddler on the Roof and listen to the song, "If I were a rich man" and you will know what I mean, also look at any naked woman painted over a hundred years ago and you will see women who are size sixteen and above and they were the beauties, not skinny women), so you see, today we have a very unhealty idea of what beauty is. I see that the youngest generation is stuck on skinny. They fail to understand a womans true physiology, that we are suppose to have curves, not look like boys with boobs. However, if your husband is too stuck on this, then he needs some counseling. This would be his problem, not yours. It is only yours too because he is your husband. If this is how it is, and he is unable to get past such juvinile thoughts, then yes, I would encourage you to consider divorce, but only after really working to the point when it becomes absolutely a fact he will never change how he perceives you.

Other than that, please don't just throw in the towl to quickly. Marriage is hard work and it ebbs and flows. Marriages go though many different incarnations and it is just so terriably sad when somebody ends a relationship which could have been a deeply bonded love, too soon.

However, if he is being abusive to you then get out right now and take your child as far away as you can. No woman deserves to be abused and we have to protect our children from the poison of such abuse. Emotional abuse is even worse than physical abuse. Poke me with a pin and the pain goes away soon, poke me in the heart or soul and I will bleed for years to come and only heal by scabbing over the wound. So, if he is abusive, or can't get over some perceived ignorant ideal of a woman's body, leave. otherwise, work to fix this.

Talk to him, communicate how much this is hurting your self esteem and your marriage. Perhaps he doesn't know how you feel and how much he is hurting you. He also may not understand how these things change over a relationship, and that it doesn't mean it is gone for good. If you both are more aware of this fact, then it is easier to be patient and actually be proactive in getting the attraction back on base again. Oh, it will never be how it was when you were in lust with each other, the initial "falling in love stage" where you could hardly keep your hands off of each other. However, this doesn't mean that the levels of attraction you feel over the course of a long marriage are not equally satisfying in many different ways. Just trust that these things happen, that it is normal, and work to retrieve it, and you both should be fine.

Good luck and I really wish you the most happiness life can bring. Have a good day

Answer 2

did you ask him specifically why he's not attracted to you? Is it the weight you gained from child bearing or is it something else? Does he wish he hadn't gotten married? My husband told me once a long time ago that he was no longer attracted t me but he said it was because I was disrespectful to him. That's why I'm trying to make sure that this is actually about how you look. If it's truly because of how you look and he is not willing to work on his feelings but just expects you to change, then I would leave. When he married you he should've known that there was no possible way you would always look the same. I would try to talk to him some more and maybe even go for counseling. Not necessarily to fix the marriage but to be sure of whatever you both decide. Whether you both want it to end, or you both want it to work out a counselor can help you have the necessary conversations without and keep it from getting ugly.

Answer 3

Perhapes it would help if you would give us a little more information. Does your husband actually say he doesn't find you attractive, or is this something you are picking up on by yourself?

Going on pure imagination, here are a few things I might try before calling it quites...
First of all, try spicing up the bedroom. Do something kinky and exciting. Wear cloths that you wouldn't normally wear. Go to Spencers and pick yourself a dirty outfit, and a dirty game. Or maybe even a dirty video. Also, try getting a little makeover. Put on some high heels and strut your stuff.

And remember - show a little confidence. Whatever you do, don't ask him "do you think I'm attractive", or "Do I look fat?" - these kind of questions kill the mood.

I'll leave you with this last thought - you can leave this man, but you probably won't leave this type of relationship. People tend to end up in the same kind of relationship over and over again. It's way better to fix what you have with your current hubby then to repeat the same mistake over and over with some new jerk.

Answer 4

Sometimes, the other aspects of the relationship, that build up as you really get to know each other, cancel out the physical attraction you may have for a person. When we first meet someone we find attractive, we want to be with them, but sometimes, as you really get to know them, you decide you really dont like them that much, and you get turned off to them, It really is no ones fault. But people percievce this as a lack of attraction, when it is really deeper than that. I think you answered yourself, when you said that maybe you shouldnt be together. The bad feelings only grow between you, and you end up hating each other. I have been through this, and it was only by looking back after the fact that I could see what really happened. It was never really a lack of attraction, but really, it was just that we tried to make a relationship when we should have just stayed freinds. We get along pretty well,again, now that we are not on top of each other all the time. Dont stay till you hate each other, bad things get said, and it gets hard to forgive.
AS much as breaking up with someone sucks, If you do it before it gets really bad, you can still remain freinds sometimes, and it may be a better relationshiop than being married ever was.

Answer 5

wow that's so sad that you feel like sh*t about yourself.

But my advice don't ever say that about yourself by telling yourself that all the time you start to believe that's all your'e worth and that's not true.

What are your redeeming qualities:

are you a great listener
do you play a musical instrument or sing well
talented sportwoman
good with your hands: knitting,drawing,painting gardening?
are you a kickass cook

find something your'e really good at and perfect your craft it will help you feel much better about yourself.

Secondly, you mention that your husband doesn't find you attractive and you seem unhappy. I am only 20 but what i would do in a situation like this is take a break from him and go work on myself....exercise diet and get to a healthy weight if your'e overweight. Buy some new clothes, go get your hair done. Whatever it takes to make yourself feel like a million bucks. And if he really loves you he'll wise up and realize that a hot momma is about to slip through his fingers.

Life is too short to feel so badly about yourself. ELEVATE!!

Best wishes and good luck :)

Answer 6

It sounds like you've already decided. The question now is whether you have the spine to stand up for yourself and end this before you waste more time on a relationship that is doomed. You do deserve better and you deserve to be in a relationship that is loving and nurturing. It is important not only to your well being physically and mentally, but also to your child. It is never a good idea to stay with someone for the sake of the children. Do what is best for you and your child and you will never regret it. Stay and waste more time in this relationship and that's what you'll regret. There A LOT of men out there that will do better by you than this guy. Cut your losses and move on to a better life. Good Luck!

Answer 7

He's lost the passion and caring feeling for you. If he "truely" loved you, he would always think you are beautiful, even if you've gained a few pounds, or got an ugly scare. Why? Cause he sees the beauty inside you.
But, if he says he isn't attracted to you anymore, that means that he's attracted to something else. He's lost that excitement of the committment.
The thing is you can't really make him feel this way again. The more he's not happy with the relationship, the more his "love" will turn away.
You won't be happy anymore.
This man will not be the man you married. Get counseling or get another path to life.
In other words, your future "with him" is not bright anymore. Now, your future may be bright, but not with him.

Answer 8

Dear, one thing is clear that you were really good looking and beautiful becos he wouldn't have married you otherwise. So never doubt your prettyness. It is quite natural that what a person looks like at the age of 18 does not look like when he or she is 30 and does not look like the same way when she or he reaches the age of 40 or above. Bodily changes are natural and are something which are bound to happen with times. So are the changes which take place to a woman before and after marriage. Changes also take place after becoming a mother of children. These bodily changes are inevitable. But the extra fat which you have got on after becoming the mother of your children is something which you can get away with, provided you work out. I mean fitness workouts and by controlling your food intake. Dont stop eating but regulate your diet. I am not asking you to go to gym or go out for jogging. All you need to do is just 15 to 20 mins. of fitness workouts and that too once or twice a day. After all just 15 to 20 mins. of free hand exercises can be done by you in the entire 24 hrs in a day. Just play some music and close the door of your room and do your workouts. Believe me, in just month or two you will be different from what you are now. And remember one thing, if you dont start your workouts/ fitness, your entire life will go by and you will grow more fat but if you start your fitness workouts then just see in a month or two the change in yourself. What i am saying is that if you dont workout your life will go by and you may grow more fat but if you begin today with a determination, then you will surely be a changed person in a just month or two. Now its up to you what you have to do. And one more thing, appearences do change but innerself should not change. The innocense inside is something which is appreciated by everyone and if the innerself is pure and innocent then it will reflect from you. Bye and take care

Answer 9

find out why he doesn't feel attracted to you any more if you 2 can have a civilized conversation. maybe he doesn't find you attractive cause you don't have time for each other. some guys feel that way about their girl after they have had a kid. if he can't give you a good reason then he's just wasting your time. tell him how you feel about it and see if there is something you can do about it. tell him you love that you get along with him and all that but you want to know what is going on with the unattractiveness.

Answer 10

Just because you are no longer attractive does not mean he does not love you. You have not stated how he no longer finds you "attractive".

There's physical and emotional attraction that have to be taken into consideration. Have you lost or gained a tremendous amount of weight? Could your attitude changed from nice to a mean?

You have not provided quite enough information to give you an informed answer.

Best thing to do is ask him what's changed. That is unless you already know and are not willing to help him adapt OR go back to the way you were.

Answer 11

Did he once find you attractive? "Any More"... What does that really mean???? Are you bigger, smaller, or something else since you two met? Since you married? What about him? His he huge now, and wasn't then? What physically changed that changed the dynamics of your marriage?

It is not important that some other person not find you attractive, this is your husband!!!! And it isn't as if you two were in a 50 year marriage.

Find out what it is, and what happened.... and if it nothing, then, "cherchez la femme" find the other woman....