im leaving my house tonite THIS IS A SERIOUS SITUATION plz advice?

Question

Heres a little about my story.
I am 22 years old, and my boyfriend is 23 years old. We both are originally Pakistani
And live with our parents (most Pakistani’s live with their parents until marriage – girls only move out with husbands.. and boys mostly get married and still live with their parents – that’s just the way our culture is) So we live in Canada. Me and him have a great relationship for 2 years. Before this we were friends for 4 years. During these 2 years we have not broken up even once, not even for a day. We understand each other really well and talk and meet up almost everyday. We always say we want to be together forever BUT the problem is me and him are different casts of muslim. I know it doesn’t sound like a BIG DEAL. Because we’re both muslims atleast and to us it doesn’t really matter.. but to our parents IT’S A BIG DEAL. We don’t marry in other casts usually. So most of the times we’re afraid to talk to each other about it. Because we’re both scared. On top of that his mother has been emotionally blackmailing him to marry his first cousin from Pakistan.. (I know YUCK) our parents have said it CANT HAPPEN between us etc. except his parents are worse cuz his mom has promised her brother that he will marry his daughter.. (from Pakistan) anyways Ive never even thought about breaking up with him because I love him SO much.. n he hasn’t ever said anything like that either.. I cant see myself with anyone but him. And I know it’s a sin to have sex before marriage but I even lost my virginity to him.. and I want to be his only forever.

Now the problem is that Im pregnant. (2months) He knows that I am, and has mentioned that we should go to the “doctor” and I know that because of our current situation.. he’s trying to imply. Lets get an abortion. But we don’t discuss it much. THERE IS NO WAY I AM GETTING AN ABORTION. AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE MY MIND. my parents are getting suspicious that something serious is going on.. and they found out im pregnant. When I first got pregnant.. I told my bf that what am I going to do when my parents find out.. they’ll kill me.. and he told me to tell them that we already got married.. (in court – legally) but just never told anyone about it.. so once my parents found out.. that’s what I told them.. that we are married already. (I lied) and they have told me not to come home. Unless my “husband” is with me and talks to them and they can get us married the “proper way” I haven’t told my bf YET.. cuz this JUST HAPPENED.. and im actually at work right now and gonna be done in an hour. He is also at work.. but he will be done around 11 at night. So im going to go to my friends house until then.. and then around 10:30 im going to go by his work and tell him what happened. I am SO AFRAID AND NERVOUS. I don’t know what he’ll do.. im thinking.. will he make me go back home? Would he go with me and talk to my parents? Would he back out.. and say he cant hurt his parents.. and lets get an abortion.. ? all these thoughts are going through my head. I am scared and need some HELP AND ADVICE.. sorry I know this was long.. thanks everyone

thank you so much everyone..
it really touched my heart when i read what you guys had to say.. it means a lot. i will be talking to him tonight.. i hope it works out.. i will keep you guys posted on what happens next =) May God bless all of you - Ameen

and yea abortion is not against our religion. its ok as long as its less than 3 months or something like that. im not too sure how many months. but i still wont do it =)

Answer 1

I know some people will reticule you for your beliefs but I will not. I think you should stop, and take some deep breaths. Go to your friends house and then see your boy friend. You have been in a relationship with this guy and now you are pregnant by this guy and he knows this. I would say that he will want to be with you and marry you. If you have known him this long you know what he will do. Just relax and try not to panic to much.

Answer 2

Well, while you can't really "do" anything until you talk to your b/f, it's a good thing to run through all the different possible scenarios, and figure out what is it that you are ultimately prepared to sacrifice. If push comes to shove, will you choose to disrespect your parents' wishes? Can you stand up to them and do what YOU want, even if it isn't what THEY want you to do? Are you prepared to be on your own with the baby even if your b/f might not want to have anything to do with you? I mean, best-case scenario is your b/f marries you and you live happily ever after as a family; I hope for your sake that it will happen just like this. But things don't always work out in the best possible way, so just be prepared to give up *something*. Figure out roughly what you can part with, and what is non-negotiable. It sounds like you have already decided that you will not get an abortion no matter what - so this "building block" is set; now, everything else you are going to be doing will have to fit around this premise. If your b/f chickens out and decides he doesn't want to marry you, after all - you're running the risk of upsetting your family; so you will have to think about how you're going to live on your own and build your own reality away from your family. Is this something you are prepared to do? If absolutely not - then you need to reconsider your stand on abortion, and so on. I hope you can come to some sort of a decision between you and your b/f . Good luck.

Answer 3

I can only imagine the situation you are In but I understand you decision on the abortion, however your parents must realize that todays world is not the world they grew up in and his parents have to realize in most countries it is illegal to marry a first cousin so his marriage to her wont even be recognized in Canada ( I know this cause I am Canadian) you need to have all of you sit down and talk his family and yours and let them know how you feel about everything and I would recommend pulling the guilt trip saying how if they wanted you to be happy they would let you live you lives as modern people and such like that. However if you do not feel comfortable with this you could always send them an anonymous message using http://hikkup.com saying what you feel. No matter what you do I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 4

Yikes! You are in a pickle my dear lady. I suppose the best thing to decide is who the most important person in your life is right now. I am guessing it is the baby that you are carrying. I can see that an abortion is not an option for you...which I totally agree with you on. Next ask yourself is your boyfriend more important to you or are your parents. Ask him the same thing...Are you more important to him or is his family. If you both can't agree that you are more important to each other...and your respected families come second...I see trouble for years to come. I really don't see how your relationship could survive. Don't waver from your decision about keeping the baby....if he keeps insisting that you have an abortion...then I would say that is a definite sign that he not the person you should be with. He is far too worried what his parents will think. Good luck and hopefully things will work out for you and your baby.

Answer 5

remember that this baby is yours and you are the one carrying it in your body, so the decision for an abortion is only yours and not his. Sorry if he or his parents do not like it, but it is your body, and your baby. I think that your parents are going to be OK. I am sure that they are very disappointed, but you will be giving the a grandchild in about 8 months, and to be sure they will not deny a beautiful baby. You just keep your head held high no matter what. If he really loves you, he will not ask you to kill the life the 2 of you created. and his family will just have to get over it and accept it. but If you marry him.....you don't have to live with his family.....the 2 of you get a place together to raise your very own family.

Answer 6

First, get somewhere safe where you can clear your head. There are lots of places for unwed mothers who don't want an abortion. They may be christian, but they will help you out. Look in the yellow pages under Pregnancy Counselling. Then deal with the issues, cause there is lots. Your boyfriend needs to step up. if he didn't want a baby, he should have worn a condom. Yes, you can make a marriage work. If not, think about adoption for the baby. My wife was adopted, and it gave her a great life. You are young and strong. You can get through this.

Answer 7

I realize that there is so much I don't understand about your culture. But if he refuses to stand up to his parents then you may just have to do what you think is right. Even if that means being single and raising the child by yourself. What do muslims believe about abortion? Would your parents accept that? Would his? Maybe his parents will let him marry you now if they are against abortion. I really don't know what to say other than if you have to you can take care of this child on your own if that's what you choose. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Answer 8

The best advice I can give you is to follow your heart. Now, I don't understand a lot about Muslim culture so I'm not sure how to advise you regarding the whole parental issue. Is your life in danger? I can't imagine anything that would compromise the love I have for my children. If you have reservations about how they want to deal with this situation, it might be best to go to the authorities for protection. You may also want to turn to someone from the Pakistani embassy there in Canada and discuss other options.

Answer 9

Okay.... I understand the whole "duty to the parents" thing. But both of you have put yourself in this situation (as you well know) Will he marry you? Can he talk some sence into his parents? It sounds like although your parents aren't happy they might be willing to accept this once your "husband" talks to them. Would his parents be willing to do the same?

I know that there are alot of what if's in this, but honey that's all you ever have. And to be honest I am baptist and have no problem telling my parents where to stick it. Thank you for not haveing an abortion. God will talk care of this. One way or another. Bless you and best of luck.

Answer 10

Wow, that is a big problem. You mentioned a couple of times that you two haven't really talked about this or that. Start talking. Communication is a huge part of a successful relationship. Now, if he doesn't want to do the right thing based on your culture then you'll have no choice but to tell your parents and his that you are pregnant. See how he likes the sounds of that.