Evanescence lyrics?

Question

how do these lyrics sound in a poetic sense?

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming monsters
Calling my name
Let me stay,
Where the wind will whisper to me,
Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story.

[CHORUS:]
In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullabies,
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos, Your reality.
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge,
The nightmare, I built my own world to escape.

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullabies,
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear
Of silent nights.
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming,
The goddess of imaginary light.

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullabies,
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Answer 1

Your chorus has a very catchy quality to it, but "sky fly over me" doesn't work for me. Usually a chorus will rhyme even when the verses do not, and I think in this case, they should do the same. Let's take a look:

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullabies,
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me.

It's that last line that needs work...how about:
"As over me my purple sky flies"?
or
"As over me a purple sky flies"?

The verses are a little uneven and might benefit from editing after you have someone else read them to you out loud so you can hear how they sound as written (it's tough to do in your head because you cheat...we all do).

Good images...love the chorus

Answer 2

i love that song!

most songs are "poetic" in some way or another.
It has rhyme, flow, imagery, it makes a good poem too!