Clock revised?

Question

I pour my tea into the teacup
Of sapphire porcelain creation.
The world is quiet and I breathe in the steam
Deep and thoroughly.

I absorb.
Time passes by without a moment of worry,
Without a moment of hurry,
Without a moment of fuss.

The clocks ticks itself away,
Bringing my age along with it. Yet is
Every moment wasted, or spent?
The uncertainty is not apparant to me.

I enjoy the peace.
My legs, my mind, my strength
All need adequate rest.
The existence of perfection is not within the physical.

I am not a god,
Nor will I ever be.
Here, I hear my thoughts,
For every pulse of emotion is just beneath my skin.

It is quiet...
Very quiet.
I needed this time,
For it is not wasteful.

do not copy! It is copyrighted!

Sorry, some stupid editor wanted me to change it this way. Maybe the original version was better?

This is the original version:

I pour my tea into the sapphire
porcelain teacup.
The world is quiet and I breathe

The steam thoroughly
And absorb.
Time passes by

Without a moment of worry,
Without a moment of hurry,
Without a moment of fuss.

The clocks ticks itself away,
Bringing my age along with it.
Every moment wasted, or spent?

The uncertainty is not apparant to me.
I enjoy the peace.
My legs, my mind, my strength

All need adequate rest.
The existence of perfection
Is not within the physical.

I am not a god,
Nor will I ever be.
Here, I hear my thoughts,

Every pulse of emotion
Is just beneath my skin.
It is quiet...

Very quiet.
I needed this time,
It is not wasteful.

Answer 1

I liked it. But 1 question; are you a sponge or a writer? 'Cause I never 'absorbed' nothing.... Lol. Also another piece of advice is to shorten the 1st stanza. Because the way it is has no flow. I mean spending all my time saying, "Of sapphire porcelain creation." I shouldn't have to wast all my time pronouncing that...

Sorry, love. But aside from that it was good. Luck, though.

Answer 2

Your revised version is better in some areas, not better in others. You still have the double "tea" at the beginning when you say "pour my tea into the teacup". If you said "fill my teacup", we'd understand it was tea. If you said "pour my tea into the cup", we'd understand it was probably a teacup. So why say it twice?
Also, if you change the "of" to "a" in the next line, you would call specific attention "to" the cup..."a sapphire porcelain creation"...see?

Instead of "absorb", why not just say "I take in", and why repeat "without a" three times...we get it, just tell us what you're trying to say: "without a moment of worry, hurry or fuss." It even sounds better when you put them one after another. Also, "itself" seldom improves a line...just say "The Clock ticks away", and if you mean that it ticks time away, say "The clock ticks time away"...but don't say "itself"...it's a very weak word. Another weak word is "adequate"...it's enough to say they need "rest", you don't need to tell us what kind or how much...do you? If you say they need rest, we'll understand that they haven't already received adequate rest.

The existence of perfection is not within the physical...what? you might want to say that it is not within the realm of possibility or that it doesn't exist in the phyiscal plane or that it cannot be attained by the physical...but saying that it is not "within" the physical leaves the phrase open and the thought unfinished.

"here, I hear my thoughts"...are you sure you want to double up "here/hear" like that...so close together? It might work if they were farther apart, like "here, I stopped to hear my thoughts", but "here, I hear..."...it just sounds too close together to my ear. You be the judge, but think about my comment.

I do believe your editing will help, and it is not uncommon that an edited version will be both stronger and weaker in places...that's what editing is all about. Edit, post, test reactions, etc.

Answer 3

To me, that sounds like someone doing a spoof of free verse.

It is evident that the writer of this piece has a philosophical bent, but that does not substantiate this as poetical.
It is monoligical to the point of farce.

Answer 4

Sorry, I wouldn't copy it anyways
But I do like the third stanza a lot

Answer 5

nice,absolutey beautiful,especially the second version.it rymes perfctly,i related to the poem from the first stanza

Answer 6

Your original is far better to me. Screw the editors.