Say how is 'Where are You?'?

Question

I closed my eyes
I searched every where
You were not there
You were long gone from my dreams

I closed My eyes
I seached everywhre
I found a glow which none could share
Which I could follow Till it deems.

I closed my eyes
I searched every where
Felt your fregrance in air
Yet I won't find You It seems

I closed my eyes
I searched every where
I heard A voice 'come her'
There in heaven you waiting waiting for me

Answer 1

thats pretty good=].

Answer 2

The poem has a beautiful sentiment, but you got lost in an attempt at echo and rhyme. Poems are best when they are crisp and fresh, concise and incisive. For example, your entire poem can be summed up like this:

I closed my eyes to search my dreams
I followed a glow that no other could share
I smelled your frangrance in the air
But you were long gone from my dreams
Until I heard a voice softly say
"come here"
There you were...
In heaven, waiting...
waiting for me

It's not Robert Frost, but it makes all your points in less than half the lines without excessive repetition...and I bet you could do a better job at it if you tried.

Sometimes the message is more important than the rhyme...I think this poem qualifies for clarity above all else...and it will sound more honest too.

Keep writing, your soul shines well in this poem

Answer 3

You've got a nice idea, and it's lovely sentiment, although sad. I do think it could use some improvement in some areas. Constructive criticism is as follows:

1. I think the repetition of 'I closed my eyes I searched everywhere' gets very old halfway through the poem. Try varying it a little bit.

2. 'Deems' is not the same word as 'dims,' no matter how nicely it rhymes. To 'deem' is 'to have an opinion' or 'to judge'. To 'dim' is to 'become less bright.'

3. Fragrance, not fregrance

4. Come here, not come her

5. There in heaver you WERE, waiting, waiting for me. You need the 'were' in there.

Answer 4

That's pretty good. Just a few pointers.

1. Everywhere is one word.
2. Line 8 doesn't make sense.
3. It's "fragrance"
4. It's "come here"

I dig the 4th line rhyming though.

Answer 5

I like it, the poem was Nice
I close my eyes
and I searched every where
and all I could fill was the hand of the girl I Loved.
The night before I died.
Thank You

Answer 6

The person whom you love can never be out of your dreams hence the beauty of poem would have been more if 3rd and 4th line if changed slightly---

You were always there
But long gonewhen dream was over

Answer 7

It repeats the same verse too much. It is hard to get past the first 2 verses. Also try spell check.

Answer 8

It certainly is a star worthy effort! There is fragrance in the lovely piece of poetry you have created! (fragrance, pls note the spelling!) And, when the poem says, 'come here', one feels the nearness, proximity, of the spirit of the poem! ('come here' , not 'come her' !) An excellent effort!

Answer 9

That's a pretty good voice! It could use some revising though, but pretty good!

Answer 10

Its different and interesting all at the same time

Answer 11

That is REALLY good! Keep doing this and dont let your talent go un-noticed!