my future mother inlaw has problems with money. she never seems to be able to get on her feet. my fiance (her son) just let her borrow money and it bothers me! she has a track record of borrowing money from other family members and not paying it back. this is the first time she has asked him and im afraid it won't be the last. what should i do?
2007-08-02 05:33:58 · 14 answers · asked by Mrs K 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
She is employed and is single. She makes the same amount of money my fiance makes. She also has a gambling problem. Yikes :(
2007-08-02 06:44:48 · update #1
Here is the rule about lending money.....you lend no amount of money that you are not willing to give away. Because the truth of the matter 9 times our of 10, you are not going to get it back.
Now it appears that his mother has a bad habit of asking for money, and it is very difficult to say no to your mom. Right now this is between him and her, should you be concerned...yes, because you are building a future that is based on financial security, so does this need to be discussed between the 2 of you...yes, but at the appropriate time. You need to discuss what your plans are and how you are going to achieve them and how much money needs to put aside to do this. And hopefully he will figure out that he can not make it a habit to give her money, if the two of you are planning a future. But men are a bit dense at times and just don't get the point without just coming out and saying it....so if it comes to you having to say....we cant achieve this if you keep giving your mom money......do it is a nice way. He loves his mom, and the bond that even you share with your mother he cannot change (unless you let him) nor can you change his bond with his mother. And stay out of it the best you can.....always and only talk to him about it, and let him handle telling it to her and his family.
2007-08-02 05:49:53 · answer #1 · answered by mrs_endless 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Friends and family who want to borrow money can turn into being a serious problem in many ways. Of course it is hard to say NO! But I would rather say no than ruin a relationship because you harbor ill feelings when they dont pay you back! You arent married yet- and you had better have a chat with your fiance before you tie the knot! Finance issues are one of the top destroyers of marraiges! Any financial decisions like this, and large purchase decisions, should be talked about and agreed upon both both people in a marraige. Now that your soon to be mother in law knows she can borrow from you, it will happen more and more! Since there are other family members who are willing to GIVE her money and not get it back- let them do it instead of you! Here are two key things I think about before lending money! #1) Do this person HELP themselves and they are just stuggling right now? In other words, if I know someone is always trying to better themselves, help themselves and they run into financial trouble even though they have really tried, then I will give them money! I only do this if it doesnt effect my families needs and wont cause a hardship to my familt! #2) I say GIVE money because the biggest problem with lending is that if the person doesnt pay you back, it can devestate or ruin a friendship or family relationship. So we learned that when we are asked for money, if we can afford to just give it to them, we go into this with the mindset that it wont be paid back! That way, if it doesnt get paid back, we do not harbor ill feelings! However- if it doesnt get paid back, we dont lend it again to that person! Does this make sense?
The last thing you might want to consider is does your fiances mother not REALLY have enough each month to live on OR does she constantly buy stupid stuff she doesnt need! If her financial issues are true, then you could consider giving her a set amount every month to help out. $50.00 or $100.00 what you can afford and still keep your budget in tact. You could also, instead of money is gas up her car, buy some groceries something along those lines. Remeber- this woman will be a part of your life for a very long time! Blood is thicker than water and your husband will always be her son! But you dont always have to be a part of his life! Best wishes
2007-08-02 07:08:39 · answer #2 · answered by tpettee 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to speak with your fiance now, have him tell his mom next time she borrows money, how the situation will be after you marry, make sure she gets the seriousness of the situation. She needs to be pre warned. Suggest she take some money management courses, some are free. There's no reason she can't learn now. There is no way her husband can't know, on less he keeps her on a budget, this would have shown long before your husband was old enough to have an income, in which case your fiance is helping her lie to dad. Are you sure she has not devoloped a problem?
2016-05-21 01:07:09 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to break it to you but you are not married. You have no say in what he does. Regardless of her having a gambling problem it is still his mother. The only thing you can do is ask him how he feels about helping her out, if he is aware of her gambling? Is he going to continue giving her money on a need basis? If he is not looking as it as a loan but a gift nothing you can do. If you have an issue with this now you might want to talk about finances before you get married.
2007-08-02 08:31:58 · answer #4 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your fiance about the situation. Let him know that once you're married, financial decisions will be made together. And as a rule, you're uncomfortable lending money to family members - this means your family, too.
Hopefully he'll agree.
2007-08-02 05:38:19 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your Fiance about the situation. My mother-in-law still owes us money for a vehicle we "sold" to her. Never again will we lend, or sell anything to family. Let it go the first time but talk to him and don't let it happen again for a second.
2007-08-02 06:36:59 · answer #6 · answered by wdh25 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well if it becomes a habit then talk to your fiance...say that you two need the money for your future. And now that you two are getting married...you need every penny. If he insists on lending her money...say that you want it under specific conditions...you need the money returned before a specific time...if not you will need to start charging interest...because you need the money for your upcoming nuptials.
2007-08-02 05:41:58 · answer #7 · answered by yuma yuma 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have always heard to never lend money to family and friends. Just give it to them....you will not see that money back. Talk to your husband about how you feel. It is likely that she will keep borrowing and never will pay it back....I never lend money to family or friends.....and I never ask to borrow money from them either.
2007-08-02 05:38:51 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Unless you are married you really have no right to tell him what he can or can not do with HIS money. He's an idiot for enabling his mother's spending habits but it is his choice, and as long as he makes this choice, if I were I'd choose NOT to marry him.
2007-08-02 08:14:12 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She gave birth to him and raised him. He should be able to give her money. And if you interfere in that, he won't like it.
However, you may want to discuss this with him as a way of setting limits. Decide what you two can afford to help her with each month. Set this money in a savings account and if she asks, she can only have what is in the account.
Also, see what you can do to help her get on her feet -- i.e. see if you can help her with good credit counseling services or stuff like that.
2007-08-02 06:02:04 · answer #10 · answered by mj69catz 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋